Page 58 of The Cruelest Kind of Hate
I try to lose him in the crowd, but he’s on my trail like a fucking bloodhound. I’m mad, but I think this is a first when I say that Gage is even madder. If he was a cartoon, he’d have smoke coming out of his ears and nostrils. His face is already as bright red as a fire engine.
“It is my fucking business.” He drags me into a vacant hallway and pushes me up against the wall, his arms bracketing me on both sides. His shoulders are hunched, his neck strains only slightly to look down at me, and the hard planes of his stomach are just inches from my body.
I don’t cower. I don’t shrink. I push my chest out and match his iron glare. “No, it’s not. We’re not together.”
“Yeah, you keep reminding me, and it kills me each time you say it.”
“I wouldn’t have to keep saying it if you’d just get it through your thick skull!”
There’s a glitch in his expression, revealing the hurt lingering just below his tough-guy surface. “You’re so hot and cold with me, Cali. One second everything is good between us, and the next you want to pick a fight with me. What the fuck is going on?” he snaps, the smallest grain of desperation lodged in his voice.
“Nothing’s going on!” I yell, fruitlessly trying to squirm past his boulder-sized body.
“Then why did you get jealous back there?”
“I didn’t! You were the one who got jealous!”
Gage closes the remaining distance between us, the warmth from his figure and the dizzying scent of his cologne making my belly woozy.
“Yeah, I did. You’remine, Calista. Do you understand that? The thought of sharing you with anyone, even when I wasn’t in your life, drives me fucking crazy. The thought of you touching another man—the thought ofhimtouching you—makes me so angry that I can’t think straight. It makes me want to track that fucker to the ends of the earth and shove my hockey stick down his throat.”
If it wasn’t for the confusion skyrocketing inside me, I would’ve been immobilized by Gage’s confession. Even though he’s been drinking, his frustration must’ve sobered him up. He doesn’t have that dazed, faraway look in his eyes anymore; his irises are portals created to devour me whole.
I soften and reach out to touch his arm, unsure if I’ll be met with resistance. “Gage…”
“What are you so afraid of, Cali?” he whispers in a defeated breath, gently guiding my outstretched hand to rest on his bicep.
So much. I’m afraid of so much.
I try to quash the overflow of tears in my eyes, try to clear the way my vision tunnels, but none of my efforts seem to be working. Everything I’ve suppressed for these past few weeks is done being condemned to the darkest depths of my soul. My emotions are crawling up the dungeon walls in strides, determined to regain their freedom, but I’m not about to let them escape and wreak havoc in the world.
“I’m not afraid of anything. I just need to focus on my family. There’s no room for love in my life right now.”
“You mean there’s no room formein your life right now,” Gage corrects.
That’s not true!my heart wants to yell, but it’s my head that makes the ultimate decision.
“Friends with benefits is all we’ll ever be. I can’t keep living in this fantasy world with you when my real world needs me—when my family needs me.”
“You said that we could pretend tonight. That we could pretend to be something more. I’m not asking for a lot, Cali. I’m just asking for you to imagine a life where you could have everything you want. A life where you didn’t have to choose between your happiness and the happiness of others.”
Thatwaswhat Gage asked for—something deliverable and doable—and I failed to keep my end of the promise. Even if I wanted to come clean with the truth about me falling for him, I don’t think I could bring myself to do it. Am I scared of consolidating all my efforts on a relationship that might not even last? Of course I am. Am I scared that this relationship could completely knock my family out of the picture? Fuck yes.
And no amount of play pretend will bury those fears.
When silence is all I can offer, Gage is quick to amend it.
“Please, Cali. You may have stopped fighting, but I haven’t.”
How long are you going to keep this up, Cali? How long are you going to push him away until he never wants to come back?It’s either my family or him, and the scales are so close in weight that the right choice isn’t clear anymore.
Moisture sticks to my lower lashes like dewdrops, and I self-consciously bite my bottom lip to stop it from its habitual tremble. I don’t know what to say. This is killing me inside, and Gage probably doesn’t even realize it. Guilt tangles around my limbs in black tendrils, curved thorns scarring flesh and tissue and tendon, severing the picture-perfect front I’ve been trying to upkeep.
“I…”
I want to run away from this night. I want to run out of the door right now and never look back. But even if I did, I know that Gage would be right behind me.
Gage suddenly registers the hurt on my face, and he caresses my cheek, softly brushing his thumb over the dark shadows under my eyes. “Cali, I’m sorry. I’m just…I’mselfish. I don’t want this to end. I don’t want to return to a life where I don’t know you. I’ve foolishly been thinking that if you let me in, I can have you all to myself. But it’s destroying you, and that’s the last thing I’deverwant to do to you.”
