Page 52 of The Last Kind of Kiss
“You had every right to,” he admits quietly. “I should’ve told you the truth before things got serious. I handled everything poorly. I disrespected you. I can’t—won’t—blame my actions on my fucked-up past.”
My thumb wipes away an errant teardrop. “I handled things just as poorly. I can’t believe I didn’t notice what you were going through. I made assumptions about you that weren’t true, and instead of exploding at me, you just sat there and took it.”
He blinks clarity into the warped brown of his irises, but they’re devoid of the warmth that brings out the flecks of green in his eyes. “I don’t deserve your apology.I’mthe one who’s sorry. I’m sorry for the way I ghosted you. I’m sorry for giving you any speck of doubt about my feelings for you. A year ago, things were getting so serious, and I…I panicked.”
Even though we’re a hug apart, I can’t feel any warmth radiating off his body. It’s like—it’s like he’s a hollow shell. I’ve never seen him in pain before. He’s always so put together. He never burdened me with any emotional grievances. I was always the one leaning on his shoulder to cry.
“You don’t have to expl?—”
A frown brands itself on his mouth, highlighting the heavy bags hanging under his eyes. “I do. It’s the least that you deserve. I wanted to make things official with you, Lils. I did. So badly. But the more I lost myself in you, the more I fearedlosingyou. And I couldn’t—I couldn’t go down that road again.”
I want to cry. I want to burst into sobs. But I have to be strong for him. I can’t believe I pushed him to tell me this. I basically pushed him to relive the worst moment of his entire life, and it’s clear he hasn’t healed from it yet. I’ve waited so long to hear those words, but under these circumstances, they’re as easy to digest as a dry pill. Seeds of desolation sprout too quickly for me to weed out.
“Fuck, and then I ghosted you this entire week.” Bristol finally severs our contact, turning away from me to cradle his forehead in his hand, his pallor turning a muted shade of green. “I should’ve never left you in the dark, especially not after the incredible night we had together. I’m an idiot for not realizing how that could’ve looked. I…there’s no excuse for the way I treated you.”
Every facet of this situation just gets more and more complicated. It feels like we’re playing Russian roulette, except every chamber of the gun is filled with a bullet.
“It wasn’t something I did?” I ask with genuine confusion.
He quickly wipes his nose with his sleeve, then grabs me by the arms, looking into my eyes with something that I don’t recognize. It’s terrifyingly powerful—nothing like the countless glances we’ve shared before. “God, no. You’re perfect. The only thing you’ve done is make me fall for you even harder than I thought was possible.”
“But…your ex?”
“I’ll always care for her, Lila. And I’ve been trying to separate her from my current life as much as possible, but I clearlyhaven’t done a stellar job at that. I don’t want to live in the past,” he insists. “I don’t want this grief to swallow me.”
I grab his hand, finally feeling warmth saturate my palm. “I won’t let it,” I promise. “I’ll be here whenever the tide gets too hard to fight. I won’t let you drown.I won’t.”
He doesn’t withdraw his arm, though I know he’s contemplating it. I can see him fighting. I can see him fighting to be here with me, right now, while haunted by the memory of a heart that no longer beats. I don’t know much about grief, but I know it’s not linear. I know everyone deals with it in different ways. And Bristol…Bristol deals with it by cutting people off so nobody else has to experience even ashredof that pain.
He’s still teary-eyed, but I think it’s for a different reason this time. “You’re all I want, Lila. You’re all I’ve ever wanted. I need you to know that. I need you to know that you’re theonlyperson I have feelings for. I will always love Summit, but she’s a part of my past, and you’re a part of my present.”
None of the guys I hooked up with in the past had a dead ex. None of them were ever married or formerly engaged. This is all unfamiliar territory for me. And while I believe Bristol with my whole heart, I can’t help but feel like I’ll always play second fiddle. But I shouldn’t feel that way, right? That’s…God, that’s selfish of me.
“I know,” I say, albeit hollowly. “Of course I know.”
Why am I making this about me? I should be here for him. No wonder he didn’t tell me—he probably knew I’d react like this.
He slides off the bed and onto his knees in front of me—coming up to my chest even with our height difference—and he situates his hands on my hips. “I’m sorry about disappearing this week. Having sex just made everything more real, and I…I needed time to think if I could survive losing you again.”
A dagger slowly plunges into my heart. “I just wish youwould’ve told me the truth in the first place. You made me…you made me thinkIdid something to drive you away.”
He hangs his head in shame, his grip tightening, and when he does lift his chin up, the look he gives me cracks my chest open like a walnut. “I know. Shit, I know, Lila. I shouldn’t have kept it a secret from you. You deserved to know. I was a coward who couldn’t…”
I can’t decide: should I be mad, upset, confused? On one hand, I understand how hard reliving this trauma must be for him. But on the other hand, I can’t ignore the fact that he totally blindsided me. “Couldn’t what?”
“Couldn’t stand to see the way that you’re looking at me right now.”
I…I hadn’t realized my disappointment was that obvious. I tried to camouflage it, I did. I’ve tried to do a lot of things that I seem to fail at, including leaving my heart in the hockey-roughened hands of a man who’s broken it once before.
Bristol crumples further into himself, resting the side of his face against my stomach and fully encompassing my body in his arms. “I’m sorry. I’m so fucking sorry. I’m sorry for not giving you the love you deserve. I’m sorry for not trusting you. I’m sorry for not being honest with you. I’m sorry for so many things that sorry doesn’t even begin to cut it. There’s nothing I can say to change the past. There’s nothing I can say to even impact our future. I regret the way I went about everything, and I’ll always regret it.”
The hockey captain of one of the biggest teams in the NHL—who has enough fame and fortune to last a lifetime—is the same man weeping on his knees before me, begging for my forgiveness.
I pet the back of his head, trying to recover from the emotional whiplash. “I just…I need some time to think about everything.”
Bristol raises his head to meet my eyes. “I’ll wait. And if you decide you never want to see me again after this campaign, I’ll leave you alone for good. I promise. I won’t let myself hurt you again.”
Now tears fall downmycheeks, and the strength that I’ve been trying to muster evaporates. I hold him tighter than I ever have before, as if he’s the antidote to the poison currently filtering through my veins. I hold him with an urgency that’s been foreign to me until now—an urgency that tells meI’mthe one with everything to lose.
