Page 91 of The Last Kind of Kiss
The song finishes with an instrumental outro, and by that time, the damage has already been done. I’ve been distilled down to my barest parts. I rush to play it again, only to realize that Bristol’s left more than one song to communicate his true feelings for me. After some amateur sleuthing, I find that the Ed Sheeran song is a part of a playlist I didn’t create—a playlist titled “FOR WHEN MY ANGEL FORGETS HER HALO.”
I scroll through it in confusion before reaching the bottom, realizing he’s added over a hundred songs. I recognize a few titles off the bat, and I’m ninety-nine percent certain that they’re all love songs. Love songs to remind me how much Bristol cares about me, believes in me, supports me. He never once told me he made this for me.
I was meant to find it.
After he walked away, leaving me mired in my own mistakes, the only person I can blame is myself. I lashed out at him without allowing him the chance to explain. He couldn’t have…meant everything he said, right? I didn’t mean everything I said. Why am I still obsessed with a woman who’s no longer in Bristol’slife? Why do I have to let my jealousy and insecurities tear us apart? It’s not fair to him.
How can I truly think he doesn’t care for me? Bristol knows how much music means to me, and he took who knows how long to curate a playlist just for me, so I’ll never be without a preshoot ritual again.
Am I really going to punish him for keeping a ring that probably reassures him in the same way music calms me? I’m a hypocrite. And he said it himself—the ring was here, away from Riverside, for a reason. He was trying to move on without fully disregarding Summit’s memory. How could I insinuate that he’s still in love with her when he told me explicitly that he isn’t?
I’m the one who’s still comparing myself to Summit, not him. I’m the one who saw the ring as a betrayal, when in fact it couldn’t be further from it. He didn’t keep this secret from me to hurt me; he kept this secret from me because hedidn’twant to hurt me. Asking him to erase Summit, or for him to choose between the two of us, is the cruelest thing I could do. If I truly trusted him, I wouldn’t feel so threatened by someone who’s no longer in his life. I owe him an apology. I need to make things right before we cross the point of no return.
And he’s right: he can’t just get rid of Summit. She’s a part of him. I should bethankingher for making him into the man he is today—the man I’ve fallen so truly and madly in love with.
I’m not ready to let him go. I’m not ready to let what wehavego. Indelible history exists between us, and it’s as lasting as a searing brand on my conscience. I need to fight. I need to make it back to Bristol because…because he never once gave up on me. What if he’s out there, right now, looking for me? Our life together is still waiting for me, perfectly preserved like how I left it. For the first time in forever, I know what it’s like to be alive, to bleed, tofeel. Bristol brought that out of me after years of decay. I thought that having a heart was a punishment worse than death,but that was before I remembered how bleak life was when I had nobody to love.
Bristol’s my whole world. He’s my home. And I ran away from the only place I’ve ever felt safe. He’s divine absolution heaven-sent, created to heal the blackened, scarred parts of me. I wouldn’t be where I am now if it wasn’t for him. I would still be clinging to my self-hatred like the last disintegrating threads of a childhood blanket. I need him to know I’m sorry. I need him to know I love him.
31
A NEW TRADITION
BRISTOL
Where the hell did Lila go? I’ve left her ten voicemails, blown up her phone with about thirty text messages, and tried tracking her location only for the stupid fucking app to glitch out on me. I don’t know where she is. She was right here twenty minutes ago.
I thought I was stupid for thinking she’d up and left—until I noticed that her car wasn’t parked outside anymore. And now she could be anywhere out in this storm, and weather officials can’t predict when the forecast will clear up. My mind’s conjuring the worst-case scenarios right now. One, she’s trapped somewhere in the snow in need of rescue. Two, she spun out on the road because of the ice and flipped her car. Or three—and the possibility that I don’t even want tofuckingconsider—she’s dead somewhere because of the weather or the road ormytext messages.
I shouldn’t have even waited twenty minutes. I should’ve gotten off my ass and gone to find her the moment I discovered she was missing. I know Big Bear better than she does—I’ve vacationed here a lot with my family. Oh my God, I feel sick to my stomach. If Lila was in trouble, I’d be the first person she’dtext. But she hasn’t. She’s gone radio silent on me. The only time I’ve ever been this worried before was…right before Summit died.
My heart rate’s rocking a one-thirty BPM right now, and my mental sirens are doing a piss-poor job of patching the holes in my now-fragile defenses—holes that welcome a torrent of inconsolable worries.
I need to find her. I need to find hernow.
I fumble for my car keys, making a gigantic ruckus in the foyer, and my mother intercepts my nonsensible one-man rescue mission before I even get the chance to make it outside. Concern is scrawled over her tightly wound features as she gives me a wide berth, hesitant to approach me like I’ll bolt if she tries getting any closer.
“Bristol, you can’t go out in this weather,” she says softly, wrapping herself tighter in her sweater.
My dad nods solemnly. “Your mom’s right. You’re putting yourself in danger if you get behind the wheel. You have a pretty good chance of getting into an accident with the current road conditions.”
Tears come to a boil behind my eyes, and each one of their unwanted opinions feels like steel wool scrubbing against an open wound. “Lila’s out there, right now, all by herself. I’m not leaving her. If she’s in trouble and can’t call for help, I’m her only hope.”
My mom steps the tiniest bit closer to me. “I know you want to help her, but what good will you be to her if you end up getting hurt?”
I can’t believe they can’t see where I’m coming from. Lila’s my responsibility. I’m the reason she’s even here in the first place. This isn’t some sit-down discussion I’m willing to have with them. I’m not asking for their fucking permission to go save my future wife.
“I don’t care what happens to me! I’ll walk on foot if you’re so worried about me getting into an accident. I’m not going to stop until I find her. What part of that don’t you understand?”
My father comes between me and my mother, acting as some immovable force. “You’re irrational right now. I know you care about this girl, son, but do you really think you can cover Big Bear walking on foot? Hell, she could be anywhere. The best we can do is call the snow patrol and offer them assistance from here.”
“So if Mom was stuck out in the snow, you’d just leave her? You’d just sit by and do nothing? You’re seriously telling me that you’d wait for the snow patrol to start their search when you could’ve been searching for her the whole time? She could be freezing. She could be scared. Is that not enough incentive for you?” I’m screaming now, flying off the rails like a runaway train careening off a broken track, and the little scrap of hope still inside me has been crushed beyond recognition.
My mother’s on the brink of tears, looking up at my father for guidance, her small frame cowering behind him. All my dad does is stare down at me, and even though I can’t immediately place his expression, disappointment fills in the empty blank for me.
“I’m not losing anyone else,” I choke out, more than ready to fight my way into the snow if that’s what it takes. I know I’m not thinking clearly right now. I have no business getting behind the wheel when I’m this emotional, regardless of the weather. I’ll probably contract hypothermia if I’m out in the snow too long. And as much as I hate to admit that my dad’s right, I’m just one person. I can’t cover all of Big Bear by myself.
But none of that matters. The only person who matters right now is out there, God knows where, all alone. I don’t care about the fight. I just need tofindher.
