Page 64 of The First Kind of Love
A groan and a sigh roll into one, and I throw my head back against the couch. “He didn’t do anything. It was my fault.”
“I’m sure that’s not true.”
A flux of guilt tosses my stomach, and without so much as a warning, I collapse quicker than a house of cards, moisture sloshing over my waterlines. There’s a blistering kind of heat in my nasal cavities—one that goes against my harebrained decision to bottle up my emotions.
I didn’t want to make a scene. I didn’t want to take away from Aeris’ spotlight. I’ve convinced myself that I’m some selfless saint, but that couldn’t be further from the truth.
“My family’s business is going under. I didn’t want to burden Fulton with the truth b-because I didn’t want tobelieveit was really happening. Then I got a call from the bank telling me that they declined the loan we applied for, and Fulton offered to pay off all the expenses. I yelled at him because h-he just doesn’t understand. I’ve worked countless hours to help my parents siphon enough money for a retirement fund from a crappy little coffee shop, and to have all of that just disregarded with one flick of his black card? I’ve taken money from people I care about before, and all it did was l-leave them in financial ruins. Fulton?—”
“Take a breath,” Aeris says, rubbing a mollifying hand on my shoulder, the brown of her eyes like softened earth after a rainstorm.
I do as she says, feeling my body pulse from dehydration and the growing temperature of the room. Or maybe it’s because I’m crying out all my water retention. Everything’s overstimulating—the lights, the voices, the decorations. Fulton’s my first-rate reprieve, and all I want to do is curl up in his arms and fall asleep to the sound of his breathing.
We were happy.Iwas happy. Why did I have to ruin it? Why do I have to ruin everything?
“I’m s-sorry,” I slur through an alcohol-soaked voice, praying that the rest of the bachelorette party doesn’t take pity on me and form some kind of intervention. “I think I reallymessed up. And now he probably hates me, you know? I mean,Ifucking hate me.”
I don’t know why I expect Aeris to be mad at me, but I’m grateful when she offers me a kind look, the makings of a small smile tucked into her cheeks. “You’re going through a lot right now. You don’t need to apologize. And you don’t need to find someone to blame either. You saw his offer to help as a debt that you weren’t willing to pay, and he saw your reaction to his offer as a rejection,” she explains, sponging up the last residuum of guilt inside me.
“I didn’t mean to hurt his feelings.”
Snapshots of our fight keep coming back to me—each time worse than the last—and my heart winces when I replay the words that spewed from my mouth like magma from a volcano, hardwired to burn everything in its path.
“I don’t think you did. Fulton’s always been sensitive—that’s one of his strengths, believe it or not. He’s always second-guessing what to say or do, but when he finally got the courage to talk to you, I think some of that fear went away. I’ve never seen him so…himself…with anyone before. When you told him you were in trouble, his first instinct was probably to fix your problem for you, because that’s how he shows he cares.”
He told me he wasn’t going to let me drown.
“From the short interactions we’ve had together, Shiloh, I can tell you’re a very independent person. You’d rather have others rely on you than vice versa. But when you’re with Fulton, you just…”
Hoots and hollers from the other attendees simmer in the air, drowning out the sporadic sniffles that keep interspersing Aeris’ bestowment of wisdom.
“I just…?”
Aeris slips her finger under a strand of my hair, liberating it from the thin paperboard digging into my scalp. “You just let your guard down,” she finishes.
I knew I felt more at ease around him, but I didn’t realize other people could see it. Fulton doesn’t see me for my capabilities. He sees me for mysoul.
“It’s that noticeable?”
“Oh, love, anyone with two working eyes could see how much you care for him. Don’t get me started on Fulton—that boy is an open book whenever he’s around you, and discreet isn’t in his vocabulary. He is undeniably, irrevocably in love with you.”
Love? There’s no way…it’s too soon. That’s preposterous. He likes me, sure, but love is a strong word. A word thatdefinitelydoesn’t fit the bill now that I’ve shown him my true colors. I can’t accept this. I can’t accept the fact that someone may love me, and I have to check back into reality in a couple days.
I open my mouth to politely rebut her statement, but Lila comes speeding into frame with the conspicuity of an elephant, swiping her finger through the frosting on Aeris’ haunting cock cake. “No, Shi. Helovesyou. With a capital L. Hell, me and the girls have a running bet to see how fast he asks you to be his girlfriend.”
Sensibility finally finds its way back to me after playing hooky, and cold, hard reality body-slams me into the ground. Everything is starting to click. A guy doesn’t research a girl’s specific hair care routine in case she has a bad hair day because helikesher. A guy doesn’t surprise a girl with baby turtles that she mentioned once in passing because helikesher. A guy doesn’t offer to pay off a girl’s business expenses because she expresses how devastated she’d be if her family’s shop went out of business because helikesher.
Oh my God.
I do my best to fix my haggard appearance without the help of a mirror, as if Fulton’s magically going to burst through the door and beg for my forgiveness. “How do I fix this? How do I choose between him and my family’s shop?”
Just hearing it out loud, the answer should be obvious enough. So why isn’t it? Why can’t Iletmyself be happy? Is it because I never thought I was good enough? Good enough to manage a business, good enough to be somebody’s wife one day?
There’s a hand on my back, and while the fat droplets of my tears scallop my lash line, I crank my neck to find Cali in my peripheral. “Have you ever thought that maybe the two can coexist with each other?” she inquires.
A hiccup racks my entire frame as snot makes a…timely…appearance. “I can’t…”
“Your family’s business needs you, Shiloh,” Aeris assures me. “But Fulton needs you too, and I think you need him more. I think you need him to ground you—to remind you that there’s more to life than work.”
