Page 69 of The First Kind of Love
“Thank you for not giving up on me, even when you should have. Even with all my emotional baggage and my control issues.”
I can’t believe I’m going to say this—well, I can, but I didn’t expect it to be so soon—but I’m in love with Shiloh. I’vebeenfalling in love with her. It’s a first kind of love, as pure as the driven snow. She’s my better half; she’s my best friend; she’s mysoulmate. And I know that sounds crazy considering I thoughtI’d die alone and my decomposing corpse would become an all-you-can-eat buffet for the neighborhood stray cats, but I think I knew we were meant to be together all along.
“It’s okay. I should be the one thanking you. You’ve given my life so much purpose, and you don’t even realize it. I…I fucking love you, Shiloh Nguyen. I love you with everything that I am, and it’s not possible for me to everstoploving you. I know it’s only been three weeks, and you probably think I’m insane, but it’s true,” I confess, and the monstrous creation of negative feelings that have been terrorizing me all these years are suddenly…exorcised from my body. Just like that.
All the anxiety and the overthinking and the tiny voice of self-loathing in my head are gone. It’s taken me four years to chase peace, but I finally caught it after running for so long, and I’ll never,everaccept a life again where I’m not deserving of love. My father’s absence doesn’t define me. The way women have used me doesn’t define me.
Shiloh cups the side of my face with her other hand, and her thumb smooths over my cheekbone as if she’s wiping away all the intangible pain that’s stained my very soul. “No, it’s been four years, Fulton. Because I was addicted to you from the moment you walked into my tiny, off-the-map coffee shop. And if you hadn’t asked me out, I don’t think I would’ve ever found my soulmate. I’ve been tricking myself this entire time into thinking we could never have a relationship outside of Cabo, but that’s not what I want. It’sneverbeen what I wanted. I’ve just been too scared to accept that my life will never be the same after you.”
She wants the real thing. Oh my God. She’s willing to venture out of her comfort zone for me. She’s willing to face all her fears…forme. And I know how much strength that takes, especially for someone as routine driven as her.
This is the best day of my fucking life…aside from the day I first met her. And the day she let me pleasure her. And the day wehad sex. Okay, so a lot of my best days have been with her. Hell, even the day she accidentally fed me dairy was nothing short of incredible.
“Trust me, I’m just as scared as you are. I don’t know how to do this whole relationship thing.” My chuckle falls flat, and it feels like someone’s poured wet cement into my chest, the very real, verywarrantedfear of failure revisiting me in a cold flash.
“You’re pretty perfect at it, actually. Annoyingly so,” she says. “I’m so head over heels in love with you, Fulton Cazzarelli. So much so that change doesn’t scare me nearly as much as living my life without you does.”
I’ve never had the best timing, but I think I’ll regret not seizing the moment while my confidence is still hot. Stomach rolling, a love song composed by the fickle beats of my heart, there’s no precursor before I sign my soul over to Shiloh on that imaginary dotted line.
Nirvana is just a single question away, and for the first time in my life, I refuse to let my insecurities get the better of me. “I know this probably isn’t the best time to ask, but would you be my girlfriend?”
For someone who’s a straight-A student in overthinking, Shiloh doesn’t even hesitate. “I’d be honored.”
21
THE REAPERS AFTER DARK
May 12th, Wednesday, 1:43 a.m.
THE SIX DICKS WITH STICKS
HAYES:Ful, where’d you go?
GAGE:I think I saw him leave a while ago.
KIT:What? He didn’t even say goodbye!
GAGE:With Shiloh.
HAYES:Oh.
CASEN:Oh.
BRISTOL:Oh.
KIT:HOLY SHIT. Is it happening? Is itfinallyhappening?
GAGE:Uh, hate to break it to you, dude, but Fulton already lost his virginity.
KIT:WITHOUT ME??
HAYES:Ew.
KIT:Not like that, you perv. He didn’t even think to tell me. ME! His sex guru. I showed him everything he needs to know!
HAYES:Youshowedhim?!
KIT:Fulton, if you’re reading this, I’m heartbroken. I thought we had something special. I can’t believe you told Gage before you told me. I feel so betrayed. I’ll remember this for the rest of my life.
