Page 103 of Lovesick
Now that the entire waiting room and probably a good portion of the hospital staff have just witnessed my breakdown, I don’t object to a change of scenery. I plod behind him and occupy a seat, finally taking a belly-filling breath after what feels like an eternity.
She has to be okay. She has to.
I use the sleeve of my suit to dry the carnage on my face. I forgot I was even wearing it. Honestly, I forgot I was even partaking in an auction. All that seems so insignificant in comparison to the mammoth-sized mayhem of the last thirty minutes.
My leg bounces against the hard plastic of my chair as my nerves run rampant, and a spinning pinwheel of death slaps itself over my very laggy thoughts. I’m completely drained of energy—not to mention that I don’t even know where to start with an apology. I didn’t think it would take a near-death experience to fix things between me and Mr. Lawson. I wish it hadn’t. Then maybe Merit wouldn’t be fighting for her life in a hospital bed right now.
There’s no gentle easement into my words, nor is there a warning for the cave-dwelling sorrow that follows suit. My ribs fold like wings over my frangible heart.
“I’m so sorry, Coach. I’m sorry for disobeying you. I’m sorry for sneaking around behind your back. I’m sorry for completely disrespecting you and putting Merit in danger. None of this would’ve happened if I wasn’t so adamant about being with your daughter. I should’ve put her health above my own selfish vices, but I was an idiot, and I’m going to regret that decision for the rest of my life. I’m always going to regret jeopardizing my relationship with you, especially with how supportive you’ve been of my hockey career. I took your kindness andgenerosity for granted, and there are no words in the universe to express how sorry I am. I wish I could go back in time and do things differently. I wish?—”
Coach glances at me somberly. “You really love her, don’t you?”
That word clobbers me in an instant. It’s anything but a clean break. Jagged, misaligned—the kind of pain that hurts so badly where crying is the only succor. I always had a sneaking suspicion that what I felt for Merit started with a capital L, but hearing it out loud—from her father of all people—solidifies what I’ve known to be true all along:
I’m in love with Merit Lawson.
Irrevocably, unconditionally,in love.
Who wouldn’t be? Her laughter is sweeter than the early-morning coos of mourning doves, her touch is softer than brooms of lupines sweeping over prairies, and her smile is brighter than the dripping yolk of the sun at midday. She’s my North Star, and that scarlet-tipped needle inside me will always point toward her. Towardhome.
She’s the only person who’s ever seen me for who I am, not for who I present myself to be. She never cared about my stupid title or my reputation. She cared aboutme. She let me in, even when there was a chance that I could hurt her. She went against everything she’s ever known to give me the chance at a life I never had—a life filled with a love so profound that abandonment was never a lingering worry in the back of my mind. She didn’t try to fix me like I was some project. She loved every flaw with her whole heart—even those I tried to hide under stratified layers of falsehoods and façades.
I need to tell her. What if she doesn’t wake up? What if she never knows how I feel? What if she never knows how shesavedme? From self-blame, from self-loathing, from the loneliness that paces like a starving creature behind bars.
She’s my person.
Conducted by fine-tuned sadness, more tears wring from my eyes. “How did you…?”
“Because you’re here,” he says plainly.
Caustics smudge my vision as I lose the last foothold on my composure. I fare better staring at the pristine tiles than staring into eyes that are all-too familiar. “I love her more than I ever thought was humanly possible.”
Coach rubs my shoulder. “Love is anything but human. It’s transcendent. It’s the greatest thing in this entire universe, and all I’ve ever wanted for her is to find her person. My own love overshadowed that. She told me how unhappy she was, and yet I never listened. I thought…I thought I knew what was best for her. Instead, I dismissed both of you when I should’ve been supportive.”
“But we should’ve been honest with you from the start.”
“I should’ve been honest withmyself, Crew. Merit is in charge of her own life. It’s about time I stepped back and let her experience it on her own terms. And if you’re the person she decided to give her heart to, condemning her isn’t the way to handle things. Putting restrictions on who she could or couldn’t see wasn’t fair to either of you, and I’m so sorry.”
“It’s okay. I under?—”
A growl shakes his burly chest, similar to the way an old mountain groans as it settles into the loam of the earth. “It’s not. I had no right to treat you the way that I did.”
“You were just trying to protect her,” I argue, catching his misty gaze and noting the veins of blood defiling red-tinted sclera.
Mr. Lawson hunches over to bring me into a side hug, and a sense of love extends to my doorstep of all places. An aureate stream of light, welcoming me home.
“Now I don’t have to do it alone anymore,” he adds.
The treacherous fjord that once existed between us has been bridged by understanding, and when I step onto the firstpanel of wood that promises a better future, the foundation never budges. I’ve been searching for this steadiness my whole life, and for the first time in forever, I’m not scared of moving forward because I know Mr. Lawson will always be on the other side of the vertiginous drop.
I’m as cold as a cadaver. I’m not ready to say goodbye to Merit. I refuse to live in a world where she isn’t my forever. She’s persevered through so much—this can’t be the end.
“Do you think she’ll wake up?”
Hope is printed across her father’s face. “Give her time. She’ll make her way back to us.”
MERIT
