Page 90 of Lovesick
“You don’t mean to,” I whisper, waiting for her to look at me—prayingthat she looks at me.
Merit turns to face me, unshed tears teetering on her waterlines. “Maybe not consciously, but that doesn’t mean my reservations don’t hurt you. It isn’t fair to you, Crew. The truth has to come out eventually, and deep down, having you in secret isn’t what I want. I want you in all spheres of my life. I’m just too much of a coward to fight for us.”
“Don’t say that, baby,” I coo, caressing the side of her cheek with my hand and thumbing the mauve-shaded bag underneath her eye. I wish I’d noticed how much the stress was eating away at her. “You’re not a coward. You’re just trying to make everyone happy, and that’s really hard to do.”
When the light flashes green, I pull away from her, even though I don’t want to. We proceed through the intersection with tires splashing over rain-filled potholes, the windshield wipers screeching in full force.
Now that we’re out of the stoplight’s range, I can see the blotchy, red hives that are stippled all over her neck.
“This doesn’t just affectourrelationship. It’s going to strain your relationship with my father—your coach. You’ve worked so hard to get where you are. If my dad even thinks about cutting you from the team, I’d never forgive myself.”
“I know you’re worried about my career, but that’s for me todeal with. I get to decide what’s most important in my life, and it’s not even a competition when it comes to you.”
She sniffs, bidding me a sideways glance. “It isn’t?”
A smile smears across my mouth. “No, Princess, it isn’t. We both have a lot to lose if we come clean. I don’t want to make things worse for you at home, but I also know that I want to be your boyfriend. Officially.”
“You do?” she squeaks.
I grab her hand, intertwining our fingers and resting my knuckles against the center console. “I’ve never been more certain of anything in my life.”
“I want that too.”
My heart squeezes once, twice, and it feels like my mind is a sedge-filled marsh that I’m sinking in, feet slipping into muddy depressions and preventing me from moving forward.
“If that’s the case, then that means we’re an us, and I’m not going to hideusanymore. From your parents, from the world. Why would I when you’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me?” I exclaim.
Merit’s electrifying blue eyes—the kind that can peer into a person’s soul and make them rethink every choice they’ve ever made—are rheumy. “Crew…”
“But you have to tell your parents we’re dating, okay? I can be there if you want—whatever makes it easier. I just want to be someone you’re proud to wear on your arm. I want to be good enough to bring home.”
“You’re more than good enough, and I’m so, so proud to call you mine. I promise I’ll tell them. I don’t care about the damage, okay? All I care about is prioritizing your happiness, and I’ve been doing a shit job of it.”
Forgiveness settles over me. “You haven’t. It’s a lot to ask of a person.”
“But you’re not justanyperson,” she counters, her words sounding like they’ve been yanked from her throat by an invisibleforce. Louder than a gun without a silencer, ricocheting off the interior of the car.
I’m not just any person.
Nobody’s ever revered me like Merit has. She treats me like I hung her moon and stars. She sees me for who I really am, and that’s all I’ve ever wanted.
I make sure to obliterate the impasse between us. “It’s not really how I planned on making things official.”
Merit perks up. “You had a plan?”
“Oh, yeah. The whole nine yards. I was going to take you to this beautiful lookout spot in the mountains, surprise you with a picnic, then pop the big question.”
She gets an ooey-gooey look in her eyes, a heartfelt smile sprouting in place of that bothersome frown. “Oh, Crew.”
“I can’t take all the credit for it though. Some of the guys helped me come up with it. God, we spent hours brainstorming the perfect plan,” I laugh.
“If it’s any consolation, I would’ve said yes,” Merit tells me, and in that moment, prismatic colors flare behind my eyelids as arteries of volcanic lightning reach into the obsidian sky and crackle around a mushroom cloud of smoke, ash, and lava. A phenomenon so rare that it’s hard to predict when it might occur. A dangerous, beautiful creation of nature. I feel it all right now—the static, the heat, the lung-clotting breathlessness.
Since a fist pump might be a little more than embarrassing, I settle for a nonchalant shrug, deepening my voice. “Yeah, cool. That’s cool.”
Actually, judgment aside, I want to open the sunroof and scream at the top of my lungs thattheMerit Lawson is my girlfriend. I mean, we’d get soaking wet in the process, but it would be so worth it.
I don’t remember a time when I felt this happy before—when I felt that life was worthliving.
