Page 71 of Full Split
But I don’t give a damn about myself. I can’t let this happen to Niles.
I won’t let anything else bad happen to either of them.
The two people who mean the most in the world to me—the only two people who exist in my orbit—are hurting. Because of me.
Eventually, I convince Niles to come in out of the cold. Neither of us can stand the way random people keep staring. I might cause a new kind of scandal by stabbing people’s eyeballs out, so we go up to our rooms.
When we get there, Niles’ bags are sitting in front of my door. There’s also a balloon and small birthday cake that I know was sent to his room by Brianne.
After a short pause, Niles moves slowly, numbly, bending down to slide his hotel key card under the door to the room he was sharing with Weston. A gesture of respecting his space that I can appreciate, even though I want to go in there and make him face me.
Instead, I stare at the door, willing it to open.
Niles picks up the birthday cake and pushes his bags into my room with his foot, disappearing inside.
I stand outside Weston’s door for a while longer, leaning my forehead against the cool surface.
“I know you’re in there, West. I hope you can hear me, and that you’re listening. I hope you’ll understand someday, because I love you more than life itself. And I love him, too. I don’t knowhow to make both of these things work in a way that doesn’t hurt you. But I’d like to try, if you’ll let me. We need to talk.”
When I finally back away and step into my room, I notice the birthday cake in the trash. Niles is in bed with the covers pulled up over his head and won’t answer me when I try to suggest ordering dinner.
The next morning is podium training. For the first time ever, I can’t be there. Only the athletes, trainers, coaches, and officials are allowed inside. No parents or non-USAG Team USA coaches.
Niles leaves silently this morning, eyes bloodshot and looking exhausted despite going to bed before dinnertime last night. I try to remind him to eat something, but he doesn’t respond.
I stand by the door waiting to watch Weston leave, but he must have gone early to avoid us.
I’m not sure I’ve ever felt more useless.
Since I’m not able to focus on work, I pace, take fitful naps, and go for a run around the city. I stop at a local market close to the hotel and pick up a few things so there’s something healthy to eat in the room when Niles gets back.
The day creeps by excessively slowly. When Niles walks through the door, he looks wrecked. His jaw is tight, shoulders hunched, and his eyes are lifeless. He looks like he’s given up.
He doesn’t want to talk. All he tells me is that his event combos are all likely to be downgraded. It doesn’t seem like he did very well today.
He drags himself into the bathroom, shutting the door behind him. The shower turns on.
While he’s showering, I try to check on Weston. I knock, but there’s no answer. I consider trying to be sneaky and ordering room service for him, then rushing the door when he opens it, but I can see on the app that he already ordered dinner.
At least he’s eating.
I order food for us, too. It’s waiting when Niles comes out of the bathroom, skin pink from the hot water, hair wet. A hotel robe hangs loose around his frame.
We eat mostly in silence. He doesn’t eat as much as normal after a high-activity day, but he eats enough. I notice him rolling his neck and shoulders.
“Anything I can do to help? Want a massage?”
He gives me the faintest smirk with an edge of bitterness that scares me.
Then, without a word, he stands and drops his robe. He crosses the room bare, a reckless gleam in his eye, and straddles me where I’m sitting in the wingback chair. All I can do is stay statue-still and try not to breathe wrong because I’m a little afraid of him right now. It’s reminiscent of how he acted when he first started pushing this thing between us. Aggressive, and a little dangerous.
His body is warm, skin still slightly damp. His mouth brushes my ear.
“You want to help me?” he murmurs.
I can barely breathe.
“You can help by distracting me. Make me feel something other than… this. Make me feel anything.”
