Page 14 of Fixation

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Afterwards, she sent out a newsletter saying I was taking two or three days of medical leave. She also posted an announcement on my website. I texted my parents that I’d talk to them when I was better.

After this little break I’m taking from life.

I never took one. A break. Haven’t gone on vacation, either, in the last four years that I’ve been running Harper’s.

This must be serious.

What’s wrong with this room? Why is it freezing in here?

Winter officially ended, like, what? Two months ago? Sounds about right.

Then why are my teeth chattering?

Maybe if I just curled to the side, that would help. I hug my knees to my chest, hoping that I’d get warmer if I stay like this for long enough.

Nope. Nothing helps.

Not my fuzzy socks. Not the three layers of clothes I’m wearing. Leggings and two pairs of flannel pants. Two long-sleeved T-shirts and the green sweater Mom bought me last Christmas.

She said it accentuates my emerald eyes. That it brings out my red hair and makes my eyes pop.

That I look like a five-foot-two gemstone.

My fierce daughter, Mom said.

Mom…

While the plants outside keep mocking me, a depressing thought rises.

Had I been living in LA still, my family would already be here. Dad would cook me his famous chicken soup. Mom would work from home to tend to me.

Butnooooooo.

I had to be here.

My business had been doing incredibly well. Money was great.

But they weren’t what I needed.

My inspiration has been suffering for a while now.

I was too comfortable and couldn’t create. And when I stopped creating, a part of me was gone. And I couldn’t get it back. See, art can’t be forced. Art can’t grow out of thin air.

I needed a change of scenery, needed to shake things up.

They’re shaking up all right. This whole room is, it feels like.

NyQuil. That should fix me. I have it here, next to the thermometer on the cute bedside table. A water bottle is next to my phone.

My phone.

Tremors rack through me as I reach my hand out from under the covers.

I’m right there…

My fingers curl…

About to grab onto the bottle and…

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