Page 12 of Role Model
I stare at it for at least five minutes. Niamh is colouring and drawing, with the kind of artistic skill that looks like a magic trick to someone like me, who cannot draw. Txai is happily reading, breaking out occasionally to voice a seemingly random thought to Dr Mars, who smiles. He will sometimes get up to walk around the room; sitting still for too long obviously unsettles him.
I make myself write.
Dear Autism,
I don’t know what to say to you. I don’t know what they want me to say to you. You’re just there. Neutral, which means neither good or bad. A part of me. I don’t like that teachers say it in front of everyone, because then everyone stares. I know they don’t understand what it means and it makes me wish I could reach inside people’s heads and tidy them up.
I just want to be like everyone else. I didn’t like how they stared before the viral video, and I really45don’t like how they stare now. Whether it’s doctors asking me questions, therapists making me talk to them, teachers pulling me up on stage or Mum’s weird staff members forcing me to film stuff for them, I feel like an animal in a cage. It makes me feel wild. And I don’t like feeling wild. I want to feel easy.
I want to be just like other people.
There.
Aeriel.
46
Chapter Seven
My video has been international news for a week. As a result, I’ve been invited to a state dinner at Buckingham Palace. The King and Queen will be there, along with their two children. Plus the president of the Unites States and her daughter.
I tell Fizz I don’t want to go when she next takes Gideon and me out for ice cream.
“You don’t have a choice,” Gideon tells me cheerfully. “They didn’t invite us! Only you, Aeriel.”
“Because I’m too old, silly,” Fizz tells him. “Once children turn eighteen, they don’t look good in the staged photo ops anymore.”
I glance at Ilya, who is as silent as ever. “I really don’t want to go.”
“The whole world thinks you’re the greatest kid alive,” Fizz says, and I can see that she’s trying to make47me feel better. I don’t know why. I’ve been so awful to her. “Enjoy it. Have fun!”
We’re called back to the house for a pre-dinner meeting. I can’t express how dull these meetings are. Grownups talk about meetings so often – I sometimes think that’s all they ever do. Eat, sleep, meetings. And now they’re forcing me to do the same thing. Keren is waiting for me; when I arrive she simply barks at someone to dress me and then bring me back to film a “quick vid”.
If I never hear the words Quick and Vid again, I will be very happy.
“I don’t want to wear a dress,” I tell Margaret, the woman dressing me.
“You have to wear one,” she snaps. She’s holding two, both on fabric hangers. One is a blue organdie and the other a pink chiffon. “Girls in the public eye wear dresses.”
“But I don’t want to be in the public eye.”
“Too late. Now choose one, Aeriel. Come on now, we don’t have long.”
“I. Do. Not. Want. To. Wear. A. Dress.”
Margaret finally looks at me, really looks at me. As if finally realising that I’m a person and not an extension of the adults she knows. She opens and48closes her mouth, visibly wanting to say something and then thinking better of it.
“You’ll be letting your whole family down if you don’t do this,” she finally says and it crushes me. It’s the worst thing she could have said. I think about how tired Mum and Dad always look. How worried my grandparents sound when they phone me.
“The blue,” I mumble.
When I step back into the main area of the house, Keren rolls her eyes and cries, “Finally! Stand there.”
She positions me into place and a tablet is held up once again for me to read from, as the social media team film me.
“Hi, everyone,” I say. “It’s Aeriel, here. I’m so excited to be heading to Buckingham Palace tonight to join their Royal Highnesses Prince Richard and Princess Victoria for a state dinner. We will be welcoming President Carmichael, the First Gentleman and their daughter, Cassidy. I look forward to making new friends–
“CUT!”
