Page 41 of Role Model
I almost smile at that. “Yeah.”
“But, Aeriel,” Mum speaks slowly, choosing her words carefully. “Fizz was right. You should stand up for yourself. It’s not okay for people to treat you like that.”
Now I don’t know what to say.
“I chose the spotlight,” Mum says, as we look up at the school. It’s brightly lit up and there are teachers guiding people towards the assembly hall. “You didn’t. I see that now. I should never have let it get this far.”
I stare up at her but look down when she glances at me, because the eye contact feels too intense right now. “I… I just so wanted to be useful to you.”
I get out of the car before she can say anything. Ilya stays with her as Dr Mars guides me up to the hall. There are photographers on the steps of the building159and they flash and click and yell my name. I can hear music blasting through the walls, as well as lots of chatter but I’m prepared for it this time. There is more space to move around in a large hall than there is in Sable’s small conservatory. I’ll be fine.
It’s so busy when I enter the hall, almost everyone has arrived. The large clock on the wall says it’s exactly 7:15pm. But, as I stand on the wide stairs that lead down into the main basin of the hall, I realise something.
Sable, Jaya and Ana are all standing in the middle of the room–exactly where we planned to meet.
But they’re not wearing the pastel colours. The three of them are all dressed in black.
Sleek, expensive black satin dresses with really short hems. Black high heels. Grownup hair and makeup. Not a scrap of colour on them.
I stare at them. I really take them in.
And it’s like I’m seeing them for the very first time.
A few other people are watching me, especially the camera crew who are huddled in one of the corners. I spot Txai by the snack table and he looks at me with so much empathy, it makes me feel ill. Niamh is there with him and she shakes her head softly, as if disgusted with my friends.
My friends. My friends who lied to me. Who160tricked me.
I watch as Sable and Ana double over in laughter. Ana desperately checking with Sable, to make sure she sees how funny Ana finds it. I wonder whose idea it was. I would bet Sable but I wouldn’t put it past Ana. She’s so insecure about her place in the group. Only Jaya stands up straight, with no expression.
The old me would have run away. The old me would have found this too far to fall.
Not now. Not anymore.
I step towards them.
“Nice dress,” Sable says silkily and Ana splutters with laughter.
Jaya says nothing.
It’s now. This is the moment. The baby bird either flies or it falls to the earth. The elephant strikes the ringmaster at last, no longer willing to perform stupid tricks for cruel onlookers.
I’m done.
“It’s not the nicest dress,” I hear myself say. “It could do with some improvements.”
I suddenly rip at the collar, pulling the lavender scrap of fabric free. I let it drop to the floor, like the shedding of a snake’s skin. Sable stops smirking and Ana stops laughing.
161“It’s not perfect,” I continue, ripping a sleeve away. “It’s not normal. It’s not what everyone else looks like. Certainly not you three, right.”
I realise that I’m letting go. I’m pulling myself up. I’m standing tall. I’m setting myself free. I can’t take this anymore. I can’t keep trying to read their minds, wildly hoping that they might accept me if I say the exact right thing. That is not how love and friendship is supposed to feel, I know that I’ve known this all along. It’s been the needling feeling inside of me. The uneasy voice I’ve refused to listen to.
I’m listening to it now.
“You could never wear a dress like this,” I tell them, ripping the other sleeve away with a loud, violent snag. “Because you don’t know how to be brave.”
“Cringe,” Ana whispers to Sable, just loudly enough for me to hear. “So cringe.”
“Yeah, maybe,” I say, ripping a large strip away from the bottom of the skirt. “But I would rather be me, standing in a ripped-up dress, than be you. Standing there, looking like everybody else. Looking like a cardboard boat in a school musical. Or a bird that won’t fly out of the nest.”
