Page 10 of Unconventionally, Elle
"Jude, baby, who's Elle?"
7
Twelve years ago
As the flames of the bonfire smoldered and the crowds thinned, we lay together on a blanket we found and watched the stars. Most people were asleep throughout the house, some were still drinking by the pool, and others had called Ubers. While my head rested on his arm, he told me about his life in New Orleans. He wanted to be a lawyer, and it was just him and his mom. His dad died when he was younger, and he'd always wanted to travel. I told him about my grandparents and how I never really knew my parents because they'd left. He didn't feel like a stranger; he wasn't a stranger. He became something more that night. He listened to me and wanted to know me. He cared. My eyelids grew heavy, and the night went from humid and clammy to chilly and damp. He gently moved my head from his shoulder, stood up, and reached for my hand. Once it was nestled in his firm grip, he lifted me to my feet and pulled me into his body.
No one would understand. They'd think it was a one-night stand, some drunk girl fucking a boy she met at a summer party. But that wasn't true. Every decision was my own--every kiss, every touch. I allowed it because I wanted it. I led him into thehouse, tiptoed around the sleeping bodies that blocked our way, and guided him up the grand staircase. The stairs creaked with every step, but no one stirred. I opened the door to my guest bedroom, which thankfully wasn't occupied, and walked toward my bed. He let my hand fall and stood on the other side of the door.
"Are you sure?" He didn't move. His eyes were searching my face, telling me he wouldn't move unless I asked him to.
I stepped back into the hall, lifted onto my toes, and kissed the tip of his nose. "Yes."
He walked over the threshold, and before he came farther into the room, I turned at the bed and put my hand up. He jerked to a stop, not moving another inch.
"The door, we need to lock it. You never know," I said, and his shoulders relaxed and his lips curled up. He turned around to lock the door, and when he faced me again, I saw--no, felt--the hunger in his eyes. My body was fully awake, it called to his, and neither of us could ignore this pull. This magic.
He walked up until I was pressed against his firm, hard chest. He leaned down and brushed my lips with a light, delicate kiss. Before I opened my eyes, he lifted me into his arms and gently laid me down on the comforter. Eyes wide with delight, I ached for him. Heat continued to build within my core, and I wanted his body on mine. He slowly crawled onto the bed, the mattress sinking with every move of his hands, every shift of his knees. He stopped once, hovering over me. His warm golden eyes searched my face. I smiled and let a moan escape between my lips.
He leaned down so that his lips were by my ear. His hot breath sent tingles through my body. "I want you so fucking bad." His whisper caused goose bumps down my arms.
I whimpered; the tension felt torturous. He nibbled on the tip of my earlobe for only a second before moving his head downto kiss the side of my neck. My hips shifted in smooth circles, desperate for his touch. I wrapped my arms around his torso and lightly brushed my nails along his spine. He shivered and released a guttural groan. He worked his way back up to my ear, nibbled one more time.
"Tell me your name. Tell me so I can scream it as I come," he whispered.
"Fuck," I rasped.
He chuckled as his hands moved from my hips, up my ribs, all the way to my breasts. His fingers slid under my bikini top and gently teased my nipples.
"Elle. My name is Elle," I moaned.
His hands stopped and pulled away. He sat up on the bed and straddled my body between his powerful thighs.
"Jude." He smirked down at my flushed body. Then he grabbed the bottom of his shirt and lifted it over his head and threw it on the floor. Oh my God, this beautiful man. He leaned over to my other ear, and his breath made my spine arch as he whispered, "I want to hear you scream my name as I do unspeakable things to you, Elle."
My eyes closed and breath heavy, his name escaped my lips, barely a whisper. "Jude."
He moaned and moved his hands to push my bikini top over my chest. His kisses brushed my skin, slowly down my stomach, and then his fingers touched the button on my shorts.
"You're sure?" He gazed into my eyes, asking for permission one last time.
I reached down between our hands and undid the button myself. The hunger in his eyes was back, and my shorts were on the floor in a matter of seconds.
"But your shorts. You're still dressed," I said as he undid the side ties of my bikini bottoms with delicacy and focus.
"Ladies first, Elle Belle." I swear that his eyes were molten as my bikini bottoms ended up next to my shorts. He pulled me to the edge of the bed, and I couldn't help but laugh with giddy excitement as he left a trail of kisses up my left inner thigh and then my right. And then my mind went blank.
8
Now
Reality could only be avoided for so long, and I knew I had to get back to mine. I'd reached that part of the grief process where I was nothing but pure rage, and my anger hangover was having a disastrous effect on my well-being. The headaches were nonstop and all I could eat--when I remembered--were a few tortilla chips with cashew queso. There was no energy to cook, no energy to move my body, and no energy to be a human being. Most of the time, it felt much easier to exist than to live.
This was my last day before going back to work. It had been easy enough to take a few extra days after the vacation, but I couldn't sit on this resignation any longer. I didn't want to go back, but I didn't want to entertain this anxiety and darkness any longer. I needed to finish my resignation letter. Tonight.
I'd felt this way before. I'd been lost in darkness, angry and sad, confused and hopeless. I'd lost myself in a cycle of despair and anxiety right after Grandma Di passed. I remembered how that darkness had felt like an escape, how the world was too much, and every decision I made had felt like the wrong one. It almost killed me. It took a lot of time with my therapist andmedication to get me through that season of my life.I can't let that happen again. This ends now.
A few hours later, I texted Rachel and she agreed to video-chat with me while I read her my two weeks' notice. I thought about taking two weeks of vacation time, but I decided I'd rather have my vacation time cashed in on my last paycheck.
