Page 13 of Unconventionally, Elle
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Twelve years ago
Jude's love was raw and passionate. I could never get enough of his kisses, and he could never get enough of mine. I knew it was going to end; my internship was going to end. My gut told me this was too good to be true, and long distance never worked. But my heart told me the present with Jude was worth every tear that would inevitably come.
I stole kisses when he took me kayaking in the Cumberland River. He stole my heart when we danced in his driveway under the moonlight.
Jude drove me to the airport in his roommate's truck the week after my internship ended. I had to get back to Duke to prepare for my senior year. The drive was silent, my heart breaking while my mind tried to find a solution. When we arrived at the terminal, he noticed the tears rolling down my cheek and reached for my hand.
"I know you don't believe in it, but we can do long distance, Elle. I can do it with you."
I took his hand and rested my cheek in his open palm. I looked at him with sad eyes, my tears silently flowing while I memorized his strong jaw and every inch of his face.
"Elle, seriously, I know we didn't talk much about this--us, our future--but I believe we can do it. We can make this work." The desperation in his voice made my stomach clench.
I closed my eyes and leaned more into his palm. "Jude, you're about to start at that firm in New Orleans. I don't want to distract you; I don't want you to feel trapped waiting." He pulled his hand away and put it back on the steering wheel.
"I won't feel trapped!" His voice grew louder.
"You don't know that. I'm still in college, Jude. This summer, it was fun, but you don't want to be with a college girl." I tried to stay calm and wiped my tears with the Duke sweatshirt I was wearing.
"You don't get to tell me what I want, Elle. Because what I really want is to be with you." He pinched the bridge of his nose, and his voice cracked as he tried to continue. "This is something, Elle. You know it. I know you do." His eyes were pleading for me to agree.
"Jude, it's not fair to make you wait for me."
"You're not making me do anything."
"Don't give up your freedom and the chance for love with someone else because you think we have something. Jude, I can't wait. I don't even know where I'll be after graduation. Long distance isn't a long-term solution. I don't want to do long distance and restrict my career options after graduation."
"So it's not me you're concerned about, it's you. You, Elle Watson, don't want to wait for me." His eyes were glazed with hurt, and tears streamed down his face. "Elle, I want to come to your graduation in May and cheer as my girl walks across the stage. I want to be the one you call with the news of your firstjob offer. I want to help you move into your first apartment after college. I want to wait. For you."
I looked away and out the window. I didn't want to say goodbye. I didn't want to walk away. I didn't want to miss out on the possibility of a life with him. But I had to.
"It was just a fling. You'll forget me." My words were flat and unemotional. I had to end this. Bile rose in my throat as the words echoed in my head.
His body flinched and hurt clouded his eyes. "A fling?" he rasped.
The lie felt acidic in my mouth. Two weeks with him felt like we'd known each other for years. I'd shared my most intimate stories with him while we lay under the stars in the bed of his roommate's truck, and he'd told me about his over mimosas and pancakes. He took care of me when I got stung by a wasp, and I constantly reminded him to wear sunscreen. My favorite memories, the ones that made me smile and giggle to myself, were the ones where we'd danced in the kitchen while cooking dinner or in the living room just because.
"We only just met, Jude. Two weeks is nothing." I was horrible. "If I was done with school, if we both had our careers situated, this might have worked. This just isn't the right time." I wanted to smack myself in the mouth.
He stared at me, his expression dumbfounded. "Elle, no. I--"
I cut him off before he could finish his sentence. I knew I was close to breaking him, but he was closer to convincing me of this dream ofus. "Jude, I... I can't." I unbuckled my seat belt and grabbed my purse. "Goodbye, Jude." My heart hammered in my chest, and my throat tightened. Everything felt wrong as I opened the car door.
He jumped out of the car and ran to the trunk.
"I have to go," I whispered, staring into his eyes. I turned away to open the trunk, but he grabbed my wrist and twirled meinto him. I felt his heart pounding, fast and rhythmic. He leaned his forehead against mine. So intimate. So perfect. His hands held mine to his face, cupping his cheeks.
"Please," he whispered back.
Eyes closed, I breathed in the sandalwood and spice from his cologne. When I opened my eyes, his glassy amber eyes held my stare. I leaned in slow and deliberate. He closed the distance. Our teeth clicked as he kissed me deep and hard. This was goodbye.
Breathless, I pulled back and licked the tears from the side of my mouth before biting down on my bottom lip. I didn't want to go. I pulled his head a little closer and whispered into his ear, "Goodbye, Jude."
I discovered my first love that summer but didn't realize it, no. I didn't admit it until it was all over.
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