Page 15 of Unconventionally, Elle
"I hear you," I rasped through sobs. Embarrassed, I tried to pull myself together. "Okay, okay, I'm okay." I sat up slowly so as not to get dizzy and lifted my T-shirt to wipe my face. I closed my eyes and took a deep, full breath. When I opened my eyes, Rach was still next to me, holding my hand.
Her eyes scanned my face, and she released a soft sigh.
"Sorry, that was dramatic." I laughed half-heartedly as I kept wiping my face with my damp shirt.
Even if Rach didn't see it, I still believed I'd failed. The feeling would probably ebb and flow, but I knew I'd have to work extra hard with Tina to resolve this feeling of inadequacy.
"You know," I said as Rach crossed her legs on the couch, "my therapist asked me to explore what I thought success was at our last session. Deep, right?"
Rach raised her eyebrows and tilted her head. "Hmm, so that's where the question came from on the trip. Have you figured out what you think it is?"
My breathing was starting to normalize. I'd given the idea of success some thought since my session with Tina. The corners of my mouth lifted into a modest smile.
"Freedom," I whispered softly with my eyes closed.
Rach nodded slowly, but before she could reply, a knock echoed throughout the apartment. My eyes shot open. I wiped my face one more time and hopped off the couch.
"Chinese food. You know, the goods." I winked at Rach, whose confused stare transformed into excited beaming.
"Gyoza and fried rice, here we come!" She launched herself off the couch and beat me to the door.
13
Twelve years ago
Jude and I tried to keep in touch, but life got in the way. A text every day turned into every few days into once a week intoI'm not sure when I'll hear from him again.Sarah and I studied abroad together in Oxford during the fall semester of our senior year. I was working on writing courses, and she was studying in Oxford's fine arts program.
I'd always had a strong desire to go to the United Kingdom, and this was my first opportunity. It was probably all those Harry Potter and Jane Austen books I read as a child. My first day in an Oxford classroom was like living in a fantasy world. The high ceilings and ornate architecture embodied the history that lived within the walls and reminded me of Hogwarts. The atmosphere was full of academic tradition, as well as the faint aroma of aged wood. Bookshelves lined the back wall of my classroom, and footsteps echoed off the ancient stone floor.
After class, I emailed Jude a picture of the building and typed "Oxford." I should have left him alone. I just couldn't resist; I wanted to share the beauty with him.
He never responded.
14
Now
After some more fried rice, two episodes ofSex and the City, and one episode ofGilmore Girls, Rachel turned to me.
"So, I was thinking about what you said before. You know, about freedom?"
I nodded but kept one eye on the television.
"Right, well, I know that you're unhappy here, but sidenote, can we agree you have an amazing apartment? That's totally a positive, right?"
I moved my head from side to side and hummed my agreement.
"Okay, so on the bright side, then, what does your freedom look like? What's next?"
I pursed my lips and threw my head back onto the couch, looking at the ceiling. "Hmm, well, I don't know entirely." I sat back up and smirked at her. "But I do know that my lease ends soon."
"Hey, I said positives," she teased.
"That is a positive!" I argued, then grinned behind my wineglass.
"Well, if it's ending, why don't you leave? Think about it--you can go anywhere, be anything, do anything. Positives. What do you want to do? Who do you want to be?"
I thought about what she said, and it was true. Getting out of here had always been my end goal, but I'd never had enough courage to leave my job before. I knew money wasn't going to be an issue for a little while. I was a conscious saver, my grandparents had left me a healthy inheritance, and though I never took advantage of it, they'd also left me a condo in Boston. It was a historic brownstone and our little piece of Back Bay.
