Page 26 of Unconventionally, Elle
He nodded encouragingly.
"Elle, you know I wouldn't lie to you. I think you need to take your shot. Make Grandma Di proud."
I bit my lip and tried to make sense of the chaos in my brain. Five thousand dollars would be nice and would certainly help keep me afloat until I had a few more freelancing sources. But I'd never written a book. I wondered if Grandma Di had ever written a book before the competition. She never elaborated. I wish she could have published. I wish she could have followed her dreams. But like Finn said, I had the chance to follow mine and do it for myself and for Grandma Di.
I licked my lips and took a deep breath. "Okay."
"Okay?" he said.
"Okay, I'm going to enter." A huge smile spread across my face. "But first, I'm gonna text Rach and Sarah to let them know!" I pulled out my phone and started typing wildly.
When I'd texted the girls about the competition earlier that week, they were ecstatic for me. Rach even offered to help me edit and proofread, but I had to remind her that exactly zero words were written so far. I smiled when I saw Tina wave on the screen as she entered our session. I was bursting at the seams to tell her my news.
"Tina! I'm entering a writing competition!" It felt weird to say it out loud--up until then I'd only texted it. I crossed my legs on my couch with a huge grin on my face.
"Elle, that's wonderful! That will be a great way for you to explore your writing on a bigger level," Tina said with authentic joy in her voice.
"Yeah, I'm excited. I've already started outlining." I slowly twirled a lock of hair around my finger.
"What's on your mind, Elle?" Tina asked through my computer
screen.
"I don't know. I just... I'm just nervous, I guess." I took another sip. "The grand prize is a huge deal, and it would help out, ya know?"
"Financially? Yes, I can see that if it's a large sum."
"It's five thousand dollars."
She paused for a minute. "Wow, that is certainly substantial. But remember, if you don't win, it's not the end. You still have your freelancing and you're a hard worker." She adjusted her thin navy-blue glasses on her nose and continued. "Elle, I'm wondering, what encouraged you to sign up for this writing contest?"
"My friend Finn." I laughed and wrapped my arms around my middle. "But also, my grandmother."
Her eyebrows rose. "Your grandmother? How so? I know you adored her."
"Oh, you know what? I don't think I mentioned it really, but my Grandma Di was a writer too."
Tina tilted her head to the side and furrowed her brow. "No, we haven't talked about that. Elle, that's incredible. What an inspiration!"
"Yeah, she did it after she and my grandpa married, before they had children. But she quit." I took a deep breath. My grandmother's forgotten dream had never sat right with me. "She quit because my grandpa asked her to move to NYC and wanted to start a family."
"You seem upset by her choice." Tina was sitting cross-legged on her sofa as well. She leaned forward and rested her chin on her fist.
"I don't get it. I mean, I do, but I don't. She won this competition, Tina. The exact one."
Her eyes widened and her lips formed a small O.
"I feel like I need to win. I know it's not the end of the world if I don't, but I want to win for both of us. I want to live my dream so she can have hers too."
"Elle, that's truly beautiful. I know she would be so proud of you," she responded softly.
"I know, but also, I need to prove to myself that my writing is good enough. That I can really write, just like she did. She gave it all up for a man. I won't do that. I didn't do that before; I won't do it now." I rolled my eyes. "Not that there is a man to speak of at the moment, but yeah. I think that's my big problem with her decision. She gave it all up for a man."
"It sounds like you have a deep need to validate your talents and abilities. Elle, this is completely understandable. I hear thatyou have conflicting feelings about your grandmother's choices, feeling admiration for her but also frustration for her choice to stop writing. Her path is not necessarily your path. You get to have a unique writing journey all your own."
My sight became blurry as my eyes watered. How could my body contain happiness, grief, fear, and excitement all at once?
"Elle, you are a fantastic writer. I know that to be true."
