Page 27 of Unconventionally, Elle
Tears trickled down my cheeks. "I don't even really know why I'm crying right now." I grabbed a tissue from my coffee table and wiped my eyes.
"Because you're being validated, Elle. You are overcoming old ideologies of success and forging your way. That's not easy," she replied softly.
"My friend Sarah, she's a stay-at-home mom. She loves it." I cleared my throat, holding back a sniffle. "I'd never want that, but she did. We used to joke we'd travel the world together, but then she got pregnant unexpectedly, quit teaching art at the local college, and says she can't imagine doing anything else."
"How did her decision make you feel? It's similar to your grandmother's choice, isn't it?"
I gave a shaky laugh. "Yeah, I guess. I never thought about it. I never understood how Sarah could have a plan, and then it just disappears. Suddenly, she's okay with a life that is completely opposite of what she thought her dream was. But now I do. I think." I stared tearfully at Tina on my screen.
"You do." She understood.
"I know I want to write. I want to be a published author. I want to be the one in control of my life and, in a way, live the life my grandmother didn't get to. She gave in to expectations of her life. I don't want to let society dictate mine anymore." My face was hot with frustration and pent-up anger. A headache was forming at my temples. "That is the complete opposite of who Iwas supposed to be, who I used to be." My tears were flowing now, and I frantically rubbed my eyes to make them stop.
"It's okay to cry, there are a lot of emotions and a lot of barriers coming down. You are working through a lot of learned behaviors and teaching yourself to live in a different way that is very much out of your comfort zone. It's okay to feel these emotions. No one is judging you here, Elle. Cry."
I needed to get out of the house after therapy. I felt raw with intense emotions that kept overloading my brain, and I craved a change of scenery. I was sitting in the Boston Public Library in Copley Square working on my outline when my phone buzzed.
Finn:Hey, wanna go to the Pats game with me tonight?
Me:Jackson isn't going? He loves football.
Finn:No, he has to work, I have his ticket. Is that a yes?
Me:Sure, sounds fun. I'm at the BPL outlining right now.
Finn:Oh, sounds fancy. OK, I'll come get you around four and we can get a quick bite before the game.
I stopped outlining and looked at the schedule to see who the Pats were playing tonight. My eyes went wide when I saw they were playing the New Orleans Saints. I would definitely be a Patriots fan tonight. I was not a Saints fan, much to Jude's dismay when we dated. I hadn't texted or called him since that embarrassing night in New Orleans after Mr. Landry's email. But I felt like even if he had a girlfriend, this would be a friendly chat, nothing serious. He was a huge Saints fan, so he'd appreciate that I was going to a game, even if I wasn't rooting forhis team. I couldn't explain it, I just wanted to talk to him and tell him the news--pride be damned.
Me:Guess who's going to the Pats vs Saints game tonight?
He replied two hours later. I was about to hop in the shower when I heard the notification.
Jude:No shit.
Jude:How've you been? It's been a while.
Me:Doing all right, big changes and such. Ya know, unconventional Elle and all.
This felt easy. This was us, though. Even if we had a fight when we were together, we'd pick back up like nothing ever happened. Thinking back, that probably wasn't the healthiest communication, and here we are...
Jude:You're anything but unconventional. How are you going to the game, isn't it in Boston?
I'm anything but unconventional?He had no idea.
Me:Oh yeah. I moved to Boston a few months ago
He didn't waste any time in responding.
Jude:Damn, Elle. Boston? We're basically neighbors! Well, I'm glad you're doing okay. You're okay?
Me:yeah
Jude:Elle?
Me:yep
Jude:Elle . . .
