Page 42 of Unconventionally, Elle
I stared at her, my cheeks getting hotter and my hands feeling
clammy.
"Elle, let's take a deep breath and then try to exhale slowly as if we are blowing out a candle." I furrowed my brow and looked at her curiously. "This will help to calm the anxiety you might be feeling. You are not doing anything wrong; you haven't done anything wrong. Your childhood does not define you, and you have so much to be proud of, especially the woman you've become."
That was it. I was crying and I couldn't stop. With a shaky voice, I spoke to my screen, to Tina. "Why am I crying? I don't understand, Tina! I don't understand." My body shuddered with every sob.
She pulled her screen closer so that she appeared bigger on my laptop. "Elle, listen, we will work through this together. I think you're crying not only because of these suppressed feelings but because you are being validated today."
I stared at her while tears continued to stream down my face. "What?" I asked, disbelieving what she'd said.
"Yes, you are hearing validation. You have done nothing wrong. You have become an amazing woman. You have made it through very dark times. You are not behind the curve, Elle. Ifanything, you are extremely resilient, and whether you realize it or not, you inspire others."
I was back to ugly-crying. The screen resolution was finally crystal clear, but Tina was distorted and blurry as I tried to keep my eyes open and look at her.
She continued. "We will overcome this. But first, let's focus on our breath and understand this reaction your body is having. You have to inhale." She watched as I took in a deep breath. "Now hold, Elle. Hold for a few seconds."
I held my breath.
"Good, good." Her voice was reassuring, solid. "Now," she said, "I want you to let it all go."
So I did.
29
Eight years ago
“Babe, want to go see a play this weekend at the Saenger?" Jude scrolled through the Saenger's Instagram feed while he enjoyed his morning cup of coffee.
I sat down next to him at the table and lifted mine to my lips. I set my mug down and gave him a dismayed smile. "I can't, I'm so sorry." I hung my head and sighed.
When I looked back up, he was staring at me with a blank expression. He'd expected this answer.
"I'm really behind and the emails never stop. I can't seem to get ahead, even a little bit."
Disappointment flickered in his eyes. While he was also a busy person and sometimes slept in his office, I was much worse with coordinating my work-life balance. I never slept in my office, but that wasn't for a lack of trying. Mr. Landry caught me sleeping one morning after I'd fallen asleep at my desk the night before, and he immediately sent me home to change my clothes and freshen up. Come to think of it, he was kind of rude. This was no longer a nine-to-five job. It was constant.
"I really am sorry." My pleading gaze softened his features.
"I mean, that's a good thing though, right?" he asked calmly, patiently. "When you're busy, you get more accounts, and you make more money."
I nodded.
"I just wish it wasn't so crazy." He reached for my hand and lifted it to his lips. "I miss you, Elle Belle."
I turned his hand over and pressed it to my cheek. "I miss you too, my love." Resting my cheek in his hand felt warm and secure. Safe. "I just want to prove myself, you know?" I placed his hand back on the table and intertwined our fingers. "This guy Chris in the office is such a dick." I groaned and rolled my eyes.
"Why's that?" Jude looked at me with a quirked eyebrow.
"Well, he's always coming over my shoulder and telling me how to do things with my work. His mansplaining makes me want to bang my head against the wall." I put my coffee down and rested my chin on my other fist. "Believe it or not, I actually know how to do my job."
"Never doubted you." He lifted his mug in acknowledgment.
"I know, I know. It's just... I don't know." I groaned and tried to find my words. "It's just that he makes me feel small. I don't like him, and I definitely don't trust him. His words aren't authentic, if that makes sense?"
"No, I get it. There's one of those in every company." His smile was apologetic and understanding.
"Yeah, I guess." I sighed. "Corporate culture and all that, right?"
