Page 45 of Unconventionally, Elle
I guided him over to the toilet and had him sit down with his head between his knees. I kept rubbing his back and guided him through the breathing that Tina taught me.
"Elle, I can't do this."
My heart plummeted. What did he mean, he "can't do this"? Us? After he just saidI love you for the first time?"Do what?" I asked. "Breathe, babe. C'mon, big inhale, now slow exhale. I'm here. I've got you."
"I can't keep pretending. I can't keep doing this with my dad." He sat up and reached his hand over his heart. "Elle, my chest, it hurts. I can't breathe. Right now. I can't breathe." His eyes were wide and his pupils dilated. He was scared.
"Barrett, I'm here. I love you. I'm here."
Louie woke up because of the commotion and waddled over to his daddy. He whined and licked Barrett's shins.
"Barrett, do you think you're having a heart attack? This might be a panic attack. Have you ever had one before?" I held his hand and intertwined my fingers in his, firm and supportive. "Inhale, two, three, four--exhale, two, three, four," I repeated.
"No, no, this happens sometimes. It goes away, the chest pain goes away, but--" He was hyperventilating again. "It's not working, the breathing!" He was gasping for breath. "Elle, Elle, I'm..."
I grabbed both of his hands, moved to the floor in front of him, and looked him straight in the eyes. "Barrett, focus on me."
He held my gaze. I didn't blink. His eyes were wild and his body was trembling, but I held his face between my hands and never broke my stare.
"Okay, inhale deep. Youcanbreathe, youarebreathing. Barrett, you are not dying. I won't let you. Now, inhale deep. Do it."
He fixed his eyes on me. His bright blue eyes were red-rimmed and watery, but he took a large inhale. I saw his bare chest rise.
"Now exhale, slowly, as if you are blowing on a flame but trying to make it flicker, not extinguish. Do it, I'm here." I let go of his face and grabbed both of his hands in mine. They were clammy and shaky.
He blew out slowly through his pursed lips. The lightest breath brushed my face. "Exhale as long as it takes, then inhale again. Remember, you can breathe." I watched him take each inhale and release each exhale.
After a little while, his panic started to abate. His chest stopped heaving, and he stopped sweating. He closed his eyes in obvious relief and his heart slowly returned to a normal rate.
"A little better?" I asked, still holding on tightly to his hands and kneeling on the bathroom tile between his knees.
He nodded, appearing exhausted, and leaned forward to rest his forehead against mine.
"Elle," he whispered.
"Barrett, I'm here," I whispered back.
Louie was still whining and gently nuzzled my naked thigh.
"Elle, that wasn't the first one," he admitted.
"Barrett." I reached back up and cupped his cheeks in my hands. He sighed and tilted his head into my open palm.
"When that happens, I always think I'm going to die. Sometimes I wonder if that would be better." His voice was soft and raspy.
"No, Barrett. No. Never. Promise me." I pressed up on my knees and kissed his forehead. "I know what that feels like. That darkness and anticipation of no more pain, no more anything. I know how awful panic attacks can be. But dying isn't the answer. Living is."
He opened his eyes and met mine.
I wrapped my arms around his wet body and held him. Nuzzling my face into his neck, I whispered softly into his ear, "Please, Barrett, continue to live."
31
Now
"Barrett, you said your dad is going to be there tonight but has to leave early, right?" I was reaching for my purse as Barrett stood up from his couch. I'd arrived at his condo earlier to write while he got some work done before dinner. "Wait, where did you say they live again?" I knew it wasn't technically in the city but was still pretty close.
"Correct. Dad has to catch a flight out to Miami for a large real estate deal and won't be joining us for dessert." Barrett rolled his eyes and scoffed. "And they live in Weston. It's about fifteen minutes or so away, so not too far." He reached into his hall closet for a blazer. "Are you sure you don't want to borrow a winter jacket? I'm sure Emma left one here, and it's frigid outside. As much as I love looking at you in your black dress and pearls"--he walked over to me and kissed my cheek--"you're not wearing anything very warm." The concern in his tone made my heart ache in the best possible way.
