Page 58 of Unconventionally, Elle
I'm not going to cry. I'm not going to cry.The combination of warmth and spices from the wine had me relaxed and comfortable.
"What are you thinking about?" he said.
"I'm not sure." I shrugged with a sideways grin. "I guess I'm thinking about how truly happy I am right now." I shook my head and lifted my hands, looking around. "Like, is this even real life?"
"Oh, it's definitely real." He laughed and lifted his cup to mine, then took a sip.
"Oh, look, there's one more thing in here," he said excitedly.
"Did she pack dessert?" I asked, hoping for one of the brownies I'd seen in the bakery window. But it wasn't dessert.
"Elle . . ." His voice trailed off.
"Oh my God. Is that . . . ?"
He reached into the basket and pulled out an old green book, like ancient. "I know how much you love to read, and I asked Finn if you had a favorite fairy tale. I didn't want to ask you and spoil the surprise."
He extended the vintage green book toward me, and I could barely speak. My eyes were wide, and my heart was pounding.
"It's a first editionBeauty and the Beastfrom the 1700s. I pulled a few strings and got it out of good old boy George Vanderbilt's collection." He released the book into my careful grip.
"This is the most thoughtful--oh my God, I don't even know what to say. Barrett! Oh my God!" Holding on to the book, I flung my arms around him and hugged him tight. "Thank you," I murmured into his neck. I sat back up and gave him a playful smirk. "You know, I totally thought you were going to pull something else out of your magical basket of treats."
"That was the point, my dear." His playful eyes turned my stomach into knots.
"Oh my God." A lighthearted headshake and I held the book to my heart. "Thank you." I gazed into his crystal-blue eyes and beamed.
After an unusually long pause, Barrett asked with a soft, slightly nervous voice, "What if it was the other thing?"
I went still, the book clutched to my chest. I was fine teasing him about marriage, but wait... Was he seriously consideringit--and after only a few months? Did I want to marry Barrett Henry?
In that moment, a picture of Jude smiling and holding me came to the forefront of my mind. Jude and I had talked about marriage, and we had picked out a ring. I almost said yes once before to a boy I loved. Was I ready to say yes this time? And with someone else?
I gave Barrett a coquettish smile and leaned across the few inches between us to put my face in front of his, our noses barely touching. "Well, I guess you'll have to ask to find out." Then I kissed him.
37
Now
Nantucket was a dream I never wanted to wake up from, but once I was back home in Boston, reality was like a splash of cold water to my face. A week had passed since our trip to Nantucket, and time was running out for my writing competition. Fifty-five thousand words in, I was about twenty-five thousand words short of my goal for my first draft. I'd read that eighty thousand words was acceptable for a contemporary romance, and so my goal was born. How had Grandma Di done this? What was her story about? She'd never mentioned it, and I'd never found anything when I cleaned out their New York home. Actually, that wasn't true. I'd found her old working typewriter. I had it on the desk in my bedroom, but I never touched it.
When I glanced at it, I thought about how she'd been alive, real, and her fingers had touched those keys. If I didn't touch it, part of her was still in the world. Those hidden fingerprints had created a story on that typewriter that had won this competition. Sometimes--and I wasn't sure if it was grief or if something was wrong with me--I thought of my grandmother and questioned whether she'd been real. Had she really existed? Now, of course Iknew she'd existed. But she'd been gone for more than five years, and without her in my life, all I had were pictures that didn't feel real. They felt like history and longing. It didn't make sense. I wasn't sure how to articulate how it felt to lose someone who was such an important part of your life and then try to keep living without them.
My mind would still play games with me; it made me question which of my memories were real. Did Grandma Di really buy me all of the Nancy Drew books and fuel my love for reading? Yes, I still had them on my bookshelf. Real, tangible books with her love notes and handwriting on the inside covers. How could all of that exist without her here anymore? My memories of her and my grandfather and my childhood felt like a life that happened hundreds of years ago. Maybe even another life completely. My grandmother's typewriter was a tangible reminder of the woman I loved most and lost. One of the last reminders I had.
As I typed in my favorite booth at the coffee shop with a honey lavender latte by my screen, I thought about my grandmother. I kept wondering, had she kept a copy of her manuscript? I wished she had so I could read it and feel her presence, hear her voice, be a part of the world she'd created.
Lost in thought, I almost missed my phone vibrating with notifications on the table.
Barrett:Are we still putting up the tree tonight?
Me:Yep, that's the plan! I even got Louie a Santa hat so he can join the festivities.
Barrett:Okay, don't be mad. I'm still coming over, but it's going to be a little later than I thought.
Me:B, it's a Saturday. Your dad still has you at the office?
Barrett:I know, Ellz. I know. I promise, I won't miss this.
