Page 69 of Unconventionally, Elle
"I support you, babe. I really do." I released my hands from his and placed them on his thigh closest to me. "But how do we do this? We aren't college kids anymore. This isn't summer break."
"Elle, I love you. Think on it, okay?" His eyes, his golden-brown eyes pierced through my heart. "They won't need me in New York until I finish my current case. I can't leave it undone. It's not fair to my client when they went out of their way to hire me as their counsel. It's looking like it will be around June."
"So you're definitely accepting? No matter what I decide?"
"Yes." He didn't hesitate. "I'm happy with you, I'm in love with you, but my job is killing me. I don't want to stay there till June, but like I said, I feel obligated to my client." I nodded in agreement, and he put his hand over mine, rubbing gently with his thumb. "After I was approached, I looked to see if they had a division here, and they don't. Then I looked for other companies who may need someone for media law." His empathetic eyes told me what I needed to know. He shrugged and continued. "The place for me to be is in New York City. New Orleans doesn't have anything for me anymore, except you." He leaned forward and kissed the tip of my nose.
"What are we going to do?" My voice was barely above a whisper. The tears were threatening to break through, and then I'd be lost.
"Come with me. Let's start over together," he whispered.
I couldn't speak. He was serious. Everything was about to change.
"But you've got plenty of time to think about it. It won't be until June, after all, and before any of that..." He stood up from the couch and walked over to our hall closet, where he pulled out a small felt box.
"Oh my God!" The words fell out of my mouth.
He looked at me, then down at the box, confused. "Ohhh." He shook his head from side to side in understanding. "Well, glad to knowyeswould have been the first word out of your mouth." He chuckled playfully. "This is a bit different than a ring box, okay?"
I nodded in relief. I mean, yeah, I would marry him in a heartbeat. But this job thing had me tied in knots.
"I love you, Elle. Merry Christmas." He handed me the box, and I realized it was a bit bigger than a ring box.
"My mistake." I gave him a bashful grin and opened my mystery present. "Oh my God." I held up a hand-painted ornament and admired the delicate design of a New Orleans streetcar on St. Charles Avenue.
At the very bottom written in silver lettering, it read,Jude and Elle, Christmas 2016.
41
Now
I told Tina everything that had happened since our last visit. I recounted every detail and feeling. There was Mr. Henry's death, the funeral, the baby news, even throwing up behind a bush.
"I have no idea what's going to happen." I squeezed a white linen pillow to my chest and looked at Tina on my screen. I wanted her to fix what was happening, but how? How could she make everything go back to the way it was before his father's funeral?
"So Margaret is definitely having his child?" she asked.
"Yes, or so she says. See, I'm not so sure. I was going to tell Barrett to get a paternity test, but I couldn't get it out of my mouth. I'm hoping he's smart enough to do it. At the end of the day, it's not my choice." I groaned into my pillow.
"That's true, but it does affect you, Elle. You are his girlfriend, maybe even wife one day, right? You are part of his life and he's part of yours, so both of your decisions will affect the other. True, you can do things independently, but now big decisions are ahead." She wrote something in her notebook andthen sat back up, readjusting herself and grabbing for her cup of coffee.
"What did Barrett say to you about all of this? I'm curious to know if Margaret proves the baby is his child. Is that what you want, Elle? Have you both spoken about this further since that night?"
My chest squeezed a little tighter. I didn't want to admit to myself or out loud that our future came down to my desire of being a mother or not, specifically regarding a child that wasn't mine. And truly, I did not want to be a mother. But I didn't want to lose Barrett. I squeezed the pillow tighter, and my upper back spasmed with new tension. Saying words out loud made them real, and I was terrified.
"He hasn't been home much over the past few days. It's just been Louie and me at my condo because he's working so late at the office. So, no, we haven't talked about it in depth since the funeral. I'm scared, Tina." A tear trickled down my cheek as I stared at her on my screen. "I'm scared that if we talk about it, when we talk about it, things aren't going to work out."
"Elle, I know this is a very hard decision to process, but it is something that deserves your attention and thought. Your feelings surrounding parenthood are important, as are his. Both of you honestly sharing your feelings surrounding this change, and the future, is an important part of the process in making the decision that is best for both of you."
"You know, people always told me I'd change my mind. But this feels forced upon us. Upon him. I love him so much that every time I think about what our future will be like if he decides to be a part of that baby's life, my heart cracks and my stomach drops. I never wanted to be a mother because I wanted to live my life in whichever way my future partner and I decided. Travel whenever we wanted. Be financially secure. There's so much responsibility with little humans that I don't desire. Beinga mother, it never appealed to me. The day I decided I didn't have to do what was expected of me as a woman, I felt this huge burden lift from my shoulders. It's simply not my cup of tea." I chuckled to myself before continuing. "But being the cool aunt at a T-ball game? Yeah, that I would like to do someday."
"You have a few choices here, but ultimately, if you don't want to be a parent, you need to talk with Barrett sooner rather than later. If that baby is going to be a part of his life, then it's going to be a part of yours. If that's not something you want for yourself, then you need to ask yourself if this relationship is what you want. Are you settling? Are you giving up your ability to choose? What do you want and what is okay for you? You aren't stuck, you aren't married, and you have some say in this matter. It's your life too."
I woke up earlier than usual and watched the sunrise from my balcony. The streets were quiet, the city was still sleeping, but today was my big day. It was New Year's Eve and my manuscript was due.
I'd finished my first draft around eleven p.m. the night before. Barrett had been sleeping. Most nights lately, he didn't make it home before midnight, and he was exhausted as soon as he walked through the door. Barrett Henry, CEO. It had a ring to it, but damn did it have contingencies too. Late nights, high stress, limited time for himself. The list went on.
I knew he needed the sleep. He left for Miami just a few hours later--four a.m. I think? But I'd had to tell someone that I finished my first draft! I had texted the girls and Finn last night. I knew Sarah and Rach would be sleeping, but Finn was a fifty-fifty shot.
