Page 70 of Unconventionally, Elle
He'd texted me right back.
AHHHHHH! You did it, Ellz!! I'm so proud, so fucking proud!
We need to celebrate! xo
I told myself that today would be a spell-check-and-send-it kind of day. After weeks of writing, I felt confident that even this amateur first draft could catch an acquiring editor's or agent's attention. Yet, even with my confidence, I felt the weight of imposter syndrome. As the sun rose higher, light came through my French doors and into my living room, gently reaching onto my couch and kissing my knees.
I'd written the book, but how could I share it? I'd never done something so incredibly vulnerable. I felt exposed and I hadn't even submitted it yet. I wasn't even sure I'd finish the novel in time--that was my biggest fear until today. Now, what if no one liked it?
The validation of this competition was turning me inside out. But so was the fact that my grandmother had won it years before me. I wanted to make her proud, make myself proud. Finish her story and live the life of a writer, like she had dreamed.
Once I submitted my manuscript, then it would be up to the judges--a Harvard literary professor, an acquiring editor or two, and a few agents. They didn't release names, which makes sense, or the exact number of judges.At least Margaret isn't on the panel, I thought to myself and laughed as I lifted my morning coffee to my lips and Louie jumped onto the couch beside me.
I'd vaguely heard Barrett leave this morning, and I already missed him. We still hadn't discussed the baby. It was almost as if avoiding the discussion kept us in our safe little bubble. It was going to pop, I knew it. But until then, I was going to cherish every ounce of our relationship as it was now.
I pulled out my phone and looked at my recent texts: Finn, Sarah, Rach, Em, Barrett... and Jude was at the very bottom. I hadn't talked to him in ages, and for some reason, I wanted totell him so badly that today I was submitting my book. My finger hovered over his name, but I decided better of it. I scrolled back up and went to Instagram instead.
I looked through my feed and noticed that my Instagram had become a place for baby announcements and Christmas decor sales. I rolled my eyes and shut the app.
After changing clothes and gathering my computer and notes, I grabbed Louie and left for the coffee shop. I felt bad leaving him while I wrote and Barrett was away. I told myself he was used to being home alone, but it hurt my heart too much to leave him. After a few visits to the café and management's approval, Louie was officially their unofficial mascot. The little guy had been extra clingy and needy lately, so I made sure to give him lots of kisses and keep him in my lap while I wrote.
"Heya, Elle, same as usual?" John, my barista, asked as I walked up to the counter. "Oh! Little guy is with us today? Does he want his usual too?"
Louie's usual was an espresso cup of whipped cream, and he borderline expected it every time he came to the café with me. I adjusted my backpack on my shoulders and nodded, giving John a thankful smile. My table was open, so I set my things down, placed Louie to my side, and started to get my laptop out of my bag. While my head was down, I noticed two feet standing next to me. I looked up, and it was John smiling with my latte and Louie's puppacino.
"Oh, you deliver now?"
He laughed and set my latte on the table, carefully away from my laptop.
"Only for you, Elle. How's the book coming? Still working on it?"
I let out a large sigh and slumped into the booth.
"Yessss. I'm done with the overall draft. But oh my gosh, this was so much harder than I anticipated. Today is editing and submission day!"
His eyebrows lifted in amazement. "Wow. Way to go!"
"Yeah, but it's not quite ready to be submitted. I need to make sure it's formatted correctly and that spell-check doesn't catch anything too obnoxious, ya know?" I brought my latte to my lips and melted into the first taste of honey and lavender.
"Gotcha. Well, let me know if you need any more fuel along the way. We're rooting for you." He winked, and the girls behind the counter waved and gave a thumbs-up.
"They all know?" I asked, surprised.
"Oh yeah. Finn's been in here bragging on you, saying you're writing a bestseller. We can't wait to read it. Though, I knew you were already writing it, of course." A gentle chuckle escaped his lips.
"Well, I can't wait to get you all copies, then. Thank you again for bringing me the latte. I so appreciate all of you." I gave him the biggest smile I could muster and then slipped my headphones in my ears so I could start looking over my draft one last time.
I had to hurry, and I felt all the pressure start to come down on me the second I tried to open the file from Dropbox. But as I scrolled through my manuscript, something felt wrong. I skipped to the last chapter, and that's when I saw it. This wasn't my most recent version! Where was my happily ever after? Where was my last chapter?
Panic pulsed throughout my body. I had no idea what to do. I restarted my computer. I tried to find any possible way to open a different version. They were all the same or older.Oh my God. Oh my fucking God!I started sweating and getting hot flashes. I was going to be sick.
Hysterical, I called Finn. "Oh my God, oh my God! It's not here! My finished version, everything I did last night, it's gone!"
John was staring at me, concerned, and I waved him off, even though my face must have told a different story. I was known for my face giving away anything I was thinking, so when John kept glancing over to check on me, it was certainly warranted.
"I'm not sure I can help, but I'll be right over. I'll bring Jackson. He knows Dropbox better than me." Then I heard the call end.
I texted Emma. I called Barrett. Nothing. John walked over and sat down next to me.
