Page 75 of Unconventionally, Elle
He pulled back and looked down at me with narrowed playful eyes.
"A table?" His lopsided grin was about to murder me. I wasn't going to make it to 2023.
"Yeah, my friends, uh, well..."Why can't I use my words?"You should come over. Come sit with us!" I blurted out before my brain could say anything reasonable.
His lips pulled into a grin and his dimples made my body ache. Jude was an illicit affair in the making.No, no. I'd never do that to Barrett, I told myself. And, yeah, it was true, I'd never cheat, but my heart cheating was a totally different story.
Jude waved his arm in front of us. "Lead the way, Elle Belle."
44
Five years ago
One month. It had been one month since I last went to sleep in Jude's arms. The pain was devastating. When I thought my heart couldn't shatter any more, it would crack just a little deeper. To keep the grief from consuming me, I buried myself in my work and pushed the levels of exhaustion just so I wouldn't have to lie in bed at night and think about the loss of my life. It didn't always work. Sometimes, I'd lie in bed and scream until my throat was raw, my head congested, and my heart throbbing against my chest.
I couldn't stay in our apartment. Everything from the way the coffee machine sat on the counter to the way my clothes hung less cluttered in our closet was an agonizing reminder of Jude. So over the past month I'd searched for a new apartment near my office downtown. I only saw pictures before I put an application in on a luxury apartment on Conti in the French Quarter. It had a beautiful balcony with historic iron railings and floor-to-ceiling windows that connected the balcony to the open living room and kitchen. It was the perfect place to start over, or in all honesty, barely keep going.
I didn't reach out to him. I couldn't. And he only texted me to tell me he'd landed at JFK Airport. I replayed our entire relationship on a loop in my mind. I'd thought he was the endgame; he was supposed to be the endgame. Our alchemy was transformative and magical, and I was the villain who destroyed it all. I think that's why I was so fragile when Jude fluttered through my thoughts. I chose my career; I chose to let him go. I'd had the choice, and lately, I thought I'd made the wrong one.
I missed him. Desperately, deeply, and painfully.
Since he left, I'd been lost and ungrounded. Life felt so dark, and I felt so alone. I texted the girls and jokingly mentioned that I was so lonely. I couldn't tell them point-blank that I couldn't see the sunshine and felt like all the happiness in my life had disappeared. I would burden them, and I couldn't do that. I was the happy Elle. The one who had it together. The one who always made good decisions. Forever optimistic and glass half full. They'd never believe that there was a layer underneath the illusion. And it was darker than all the midnights I saw.
I began to resent New Orleans, I began to resent my situation, and I began to resent myself. Nothing was physically keeping me in New Orleans. Nothing was physically keeping me away from Jude. But he deserved better than me. What I did, was that even forgivable? I knew I broke his heart, but I refused to be the heartbreak princess. I wouldn't keep hurting him.
45
Now
Sarah was back at the table and drinking water when we walked up. I realized too late that I forgot to get her another water after I dropped the first one.
Sorry!I mouthed, but she wasn't looking at me. She was looking at the tall man next to me with wavy chestnut hair and his left hand on my lower back.
Sarah's eyes popped and her lips mouthed the wordsHoly shit!She knew exactly who was standing next to me, but the boys had no idea. "Jude!" She jumped out of her seat to give him a hug and then over his shoulder gave me aWhat the actual fuck?stare.No, she mouthed behind his back as she gave him one more squeeze.
I got her message loud and clear.Stay away from him.I was, in fact, still very much in a relationship with Barrett Henry. And last I knew, Jude had a someone. The memory of that late-night phone call and hearing a stranger's voice with him made my stomach drop all over again.
At the sound of Jude's name, Finn came to attention. He raised his eyebrows and made direct eye contact with me. I'dmentioned Jude here and there, and he knew that he wasthe onebefore Barrett. All Jackson could tell was that I knew this man and there was some juicy history in this entire situation.
"Sarah, hello, good to see you again." Jude's warm smile made Sarah look down. She was a sucker for good manners.
Finn stood up, eyes on me, then shifted his gaze to Jude. "Finn Bennett." He extended his hand to Jude, who took it in his free hand and gave it a firm shake. "And this is my boyfriend, Jackson." He released Jude's hand and pointed to Jackson, who waved with glee and continued to smile.
"Jude Ashford, nice to meet you all!" He motioned to the velvet booth and lightly pressed his fingertips into my lower back. "May I join you?"
"Of course you can!" Sarah was trying so hard to be nice. Truthfully, they got along, but I knew she was worried about me. Jude was the one who got away. The one I could never get over. Until I did. I thought.
"Jude, where's your plus one tonight?" Sarah asked nonchalantly. I gave her a side-eye that could kill, and Finn brought his drink to his lips. Jackson glanced over to Finn then back at Jude and me, eyes wide with curiosity.
I noticed Jude's shoulders tense for a moment, then relax again.
Our server returned with our orders and handed Jude his scotch.
After a slow sip, Jude looked at me while answering Sarah. "No plus one. Just me and some friends from work."
I didn't look away. I was studying him even though I knew every dimple, every mannerism. The unconscious lick of his lips and the slight pull of his smile. The way his sultry eyes stayed on mine made the room fall away. It was me and him. Always me and him. His energy was pulling me in--magnetic, addictive--and the group took notice.
Jude excused himself a few minutes later to find his friends, but he told us he'd be right back. The boys, more specifically Jackson, leaned in as soon as Jude walked away.
