Page 77 of Unconventionally, Elle
"Elle? What a surprise," said Jude. I could feel the tension over the line. Yet the sound of his voice changed everything within me. Emotion overwhelmed me.
"She's gone." My sobs were raw and unfiltered. I could never hide from Jude.
"Wait, Elle, Elle. Who's gone? Please don't tell me it's Di." His strained voice made my throat tighten. He loved my grandmother too.
The guilt suffocated me. I didn't know she was sick. I didn't go home last month like I promised. I would have noticed if I'd gone. Maybe she would have told me? On our calls, she never mentioned being sick. Granted, those calls had been sporadic over the past few months, but she'd sounded fine--tired but fine.
Nothing changed the fact that she was gone, and during our last conversation, she'd randomly asked me if I was happy; I'd lied and told her yes.
47
Now
Everyone sat still, anticipating my story. All eyes were on me--lights, camera...
"All right, well, a few years back, I was severely depressed. Like, severely." I stopped to clear my throat. I'd never told this story to anyone outside of Sarah and Rachel. Even Barrett didn't know. "I'd just lost my grandmother unexpectedly, and I didn't even know she was sick. I hated myself for not being there for her." I took a sip of my champagne for courage.
"Right, you told me that before. You started therapy right after that," Finn added.
Jackson had tears slowly rolling down his cheeks.
"Well, that's not exactly why," I said. "See, I went dark.Verydark. I was so obsessed with work, I blamed myself for my grandmother's death, and I hated my life, my job, myself. Nothing was off the table. Anyways, I couldn't see a way out, or a reason to live."
I caught Sarah's eye and her slight nod to continue.
"You know how they ask people who are suicidal to call a number or a friend or anyone? That, like, they aren't alone and they are loved and all that good stuff?"
Everyone nodded, waiting for me to continue.
"Right, well, I'm sure that works for some people, but me, I just wanted to be alone. I didn't want to talk to anyone, and the thought of talking to a stranger about my first-world problems made me cringe."
The alcohol was giving me the courage to say everything out loud. Finn and Jackson both reached for me. I took a deep breath and kept going. Each part felt painful but at the same time cathartic. It had been years, and I felt like in the smallest way I was regaining a little bit of myself by sharing one of my darkest moments with people who loved me. I wish Barrett were here so he could know too.
"You see, Jude and I dated for a long time. He was my boyfriend while I was in New Orleans, and one day, I was drinking rosé on my balcony in the French Quarter and decided that I didn't want to live anymore."
The boys gasped and Sarah held her gaze steady. She knew the story.
"Yeah, I just hit this dark wall, like it was the last straw for me. And really, it's so hard to explain the way the little voice in your head can truly convince you that you are alone and that you'd be better off gone. The little voice was wrong, of course. Depression wreaks havoc on your mind, and I wasn't immune to it."
"Wait, but what about Jude? Weren't you two together?" Jackson asked curiously.
I shook my head as the memory came back to me. I could feel the heartbreak as if it happened yesterday. "No." I looked up and gave a small, sad smile. "He'd left a few months before to take a job in New York. Anyway, in that moment, I remember Iwas negotiating with death. What if I did it, what if I jumped? I was pulling at straws to keep my feet on the balcony."
Everyone's eyes went wide, their attention on every word.
"I was standing on my balcony's edge and about to jump when a man's voice roared behind me."
I noticed Finn and Jackson glance behind me, a look of surprise washing over their faces. Sarah's mouth parted ever so slightly as she followed their gaze.
I could feel him before I saw him. I turned around slowly, and the ache in my chest returned. Jude was standing behind me with glassy, understanding eyes.
48
Five years ago
Rach:Elle, I'm worried about you.
Sarah:Yeah, Elle. We haven't heard from you in a few days.
