Page 78 of Unconventionally, Elle
Are you okay?
Rach:Ellz, c'mon, it's us.
Me:I'm not great, but I'm okay. It's fine, I'll be fine. Things always work out. Plus, it's the day before Halloween. How can I be sad when I have Hocus Pocus to watch?
Sarah:Do you want us to come be with you? I know Jude leaving was hard and then Grandma Di. Elle, you aren't alone, we're here for you.
Sarah:P.S. Yes to Hocus Pocus!
Me:No
Rach:Are you sure?
Me:Don't come. I'm super busy. I wouldn't be able to entertain or take you two anywhere.
Sarah:Elle, you don't have to entertain us, you don't have to do this alone.
Rach:Right. You have us. You always have us.
Me:K
Rach:Elle, this isn't okay. I know you're not okay. Please talk to us.
Me:I have to get this email out. Love you both. Ttyl.
Sarah:Elle, please, tell me you're hanging in there...
Rach:Elle?
They say acceptance is part of grief, right? This was my acceptance.
I didn't want to keep living life without my grandmother. Missing our last call continued to haunt me, and I was robbed of saying goodbye. I didn't want to keep living life without Jude; my bed was empty and cold without him.Should I keep up the illusion? Should I tell the girls what's really happening?My tortured heart, my tortured mind.
I hadn't talked to Jude since I told him about my grandmother. He'd stayed on the phone and listened to me cry for hours, but within a few days, I was ghosting him again. Hot and cold, I couldn't make up my mind. I was toxic, and so I texted him one last time before I assumed he went to work.
Me:I don't want to keep pretending. I don't want to live a lie anymore.
Jude:Elle, what are you talking about?
Me:I'm so tired, Jude. Exhausted. I love you, Jude, okay? You were the best part of me.
Jude:Elle, you're scaring me. Talk to me. What's happening with you? I'm still here for you, okay? I'm still here.
Me:Everything is dark. It's so hard. Breathing is hard. Jude, I'm tired. I love you, ok? I love you.
Jude:What's going on, Elle. You're not making sense.
Jude:Elle?
Jude:Elle, answer me!
Jude:Elle Belle, what the fuck? I just called you three times.
Answer your fucking phone.
Jude:Elle!
I'd had a forced yet convincing smile on my face since June. Everyone saw it. They heard my hearty laughs. No one knew I was dying and fighting my demons on the inside. I felt alone with a shattered heart. I felt like the world would be better off without me. What did I matter in this world? I was merely a speck on our planet in a vast universe. What was our purpose, my purpose? What was the point?
