Page 82 of Unconventionally, Elle
"Yeah, I think so. He's in New York. I just don't want him to be alone, ya know?" I crossed my arms over my middle and held my elbows.
"He?" Barrett's ears perked up.
"Yeah, my friend from NOLA, Jude."
Barrett nodded slowly in acknowledgment. I'd never told him about Jude; in fact, I'd never talked about him to Barrett at all.
"I should be home tonight. If not, first thing tomorrow, okay?" I added before going back to the bedroom to pack a bag just in case.
With a resigned gaze, he threw the punch I wasn't expecting. "Elle, you're going to go anyway, right?"
Jude was broken. He answered the door in only his boxers, reeking of whiskey and weed. When his eyes met mine, his upper lip began to tremble. His unkempt hair and tearstained cheeks pierced my heart like a dull blade, so I opened my arms and held him in the biggest hug I could offer. I wanted to relieve the weight of his grief and give him refuge.
By the time he calmed down, it was ten p.m. and way too late to catch the train back. So I stayed. It was like old times, except it wasn't. His mother, Ava, was gone. Our home together was gone. Our bed was gone.
I thought of Barrett as I built a pillow wall down the middle of Jude's bed.I'm not cheating, I'm not cheating, I thought to myself as I isolated my side of the bed--the same side as before with Jude. That's when I realized he still slept on his same side of the bed from our relationship.
"Thank you for staying, Elle Belle. I... I don't want to be alone," he muttered as he helped me stack pillows in the middle of his bed. His body looked like it was going through the motions of surviving. He resembled a shell of the boy I loved: distant, numb, and aloof.
"Hey, I'm glad I can be the one here for you. It's my turn to catch you, yeah?" I gave him a quick wink and started to fluff my pillow. A large sigh caught my attention, and my gaze went back to Jude. He was sitting on the bed with his hands on his head.
"I love you, Elle." His voice trembled with raw emotion. "I've always loved you, and ahhhh..." I could see the frustration swirling in his mind. Our history was so rich, so deep. "I just, I love you and I hate that this...usisn't possible. I hate it." It was barely a whisper, but my chest tightened with the weight of his words. Each one a bittersweet reminder that I had Barrett at home.
I remained silent as words eluded me. Jude lowered his head in understanding, and two tears traced a jagged path down my warm cheek.
50
Now
Rachel and I met at Bryant Park for coffee and to catch up. "I can't believe youjustreached out to tell me you were in town, you bitch." Rach stuck out her tongue and laughed as we sat together at a little table with our coffees. "You know you could have saved the awkwardness and stayed with me last night, right?" she said, lifting her brows.
"I know." I groaned. "But you didn't see him, Rach. He's so broken. He literally looks like he's just floating from room to room, hardly aware of what he's doing." Rach's brow furrowed and her face softened with compassion.
"I couldn't leave him alone," I continued. "It was a long time ago, but I remember that dark feeling, and I didn't want him to even think he was alone in this for a moment."
"You're a really good person, Ellz. Forget the fact he's your ex, you are simply good people."
I gave her a lopsided grin, my mouth pulling to the side.
"Do you think he meant it when he professed his love? Or was it like, 'My mom died so I love you' kinda thing?" she asked as we watched figure skaters going around the ice rink.
"No, I mean it was a pretty raw 'I love you.' And he was drunk." I shrugged. "We say what's really on our minds when we're drunk, right? But I felt like a total asshole. I said nothing, Rach. Absolutely nothing." I groaned and pressed my face into my palm.
"Holy shit. That's awkward." She grimaced as we watched a little kid pull his dad down as they skated past us.
"Definitely awkward, but at the same time, I don't know..." I sighed and leaned back in my chair.
"Elle, you're with Barrett. Mind you, this is Barrett Henry. You break his heart and you get blacklisted. Cheat on him? Dear God, the horrible possibilities." She shuddered and looked at me with sad, knowing eyes. "It's tough, girl. I know you still love Jude. You've always loved him."
"I told you about the baby, right?" I asked looking away and watching the skaters mindlessly.
"Yeah, that's crazy shit. I can't believe Margaret is suddenly pregnant. What do you think Barrett will do? Is he gonna help her raise it?"
"I'm not sure, I think he's torn, especially since his dad wasn't around. But I told him I don't want children, so that pulls him in two directions."
Rachel considered me for a moment. "Elle, what the fuck are you doing?"
"What?" I was surprised by her sudden shift in tone. "What are you talking about?" I pressed my lips into a quizzical grin and lifted my brows.
