Page 84 of Unconventionally, Elle
"I've been so stressed with work and the baby coming, but I choose you, Elle. I choose you."
We were both crying, the ugly, heavy tears that happen when you can't imagine taking one more breath. This was a heart-wrenching experience I'd never wish on two people. We belonged together, had dreams and aspirations together.
"B, I can't. If we stayed together, we would of course love each other, because I'll always love you, but we would grow to resent one another. It's inevitable. I wouldn't feel fulfilled, and I don't want that. Not with you. I cherish every moment we had together. I cherish our real, very real love. I cherish you, Barrett Henry."
He lifted his head, and his blazing crystal-blue eyes penetrated deep into my soul.
I continued, trying to get the words out before my sobs took over again. "As much as I want to choose you, I choose me."
He tilted his chin down and began sobbing harder. "I love you, Elle. I love you."
"I know." My voice broke and I couldn't hold back the tears. They were flowing down my cheeks, and my heart felt like it had been stomped on by an elephant. "And I love you. I brought Louie back since you were his daddy before there was an us."
Louie was whining on the floor, so I picked him up in my arms and tried to hand him to Barrett.
"No, Elle." A sad, understanding smile flickered on his lips. He stepped back, away from Louie. "If there's anything I've learned together with you, it's that you are a fantastic mother."
Confused, my eyebrows drew together and I narrowed my eyes.
"A fantastic dog mother." He walked up to me and Louie and kissed me on the forehead. Then he leaned down and peppered Louie with kisses.
"You're the goodest boy, okay, Lou? You're gonna stay with Mommy while Daddy figures things out. I love you, little Lou." Barrett lifted his head, and his voice was slightly stronger. "Please keep him. I know we will get through this, maybe not as partners, but I think as friends. I'm sorry, Elle. I fucked up. I really fucked up, but you're the best home for Louie now. Will you keep him for me? In a way, you'll always have a part of us, yeah?"
With Louie in my arms, I leaned into Barrett's open arms. His chest was shaking with his renewed sobs, and I wrapped my free arm tighter around him.
Louie leaned up and tried to lick the tears from his face.
"Yes," I sobbed, "a million times, yes."
52
Now
The weeks after the breakup were bittersweet, and my friendship with Emma was fragile because of all the family politics. Ever since Barrett told his family we called it off, Olivia said she had no more assignments for me. I couldn't believe that Emma would feel the same way. Not only did I lose my relationship with Barrett, but it felt like I'd lost Emma too. One day in Pilates, I saw Emma by the cubbies and decided to check in with her.
"Hey, Em, hope you're doing all right." I smiled nervously.
She looked up from her cubby, gave me a sad smile, and hugged me. It felt so good to be hugged by a Henry again. "I'm all right. You? Oh, and hey, don't worry about Olivia, Elle. Okay? When I'm in charge, you're going to be my number one writer. You got it?" She stepped back and was holding my hand while I tried not to cry. "You're too good a personanda writer to dismiss because my brother was a dipshit."
"A loveable dipshit." My bittersweet laugh was joined by tears.
"I wish you the best of luck until we can work together again, Elle. I really do. My brother's a fucking idiot, and I just hope thisbaby doesn't get caught up in the Henry family bullshit." Disdain dripped from her words.
I held my tongue and stared at her with curiosity.
"Margaret wants to get married; Barrett doesn't." She rolled her eyes and sighed heavily. "But he's going to propose, he told me. He wants to do the right thing by his son and make the family seem whole--blah blah blah." Her phone buzzed, so she took it out of her purse and looked at it.
I felt my stomach drop, but also, I pitied Barrett. He was being forced to do things he didn't want to do because he thought it was right, even if it compromised who he was as a person, a dreamer.
"Sorry, Elle. I have to get back to the office. Let's do coffee or lunch sometime, okay? I miss you. You and my brother broke up, not us." She gave me another big hug. "Hang in there. Oh, I was thinking about it, since Olivia pulled that dick move and blacklisted you, I have some connections with other people in the industry who need freelancers. So let me know if you need a referral, yeah?"
I didn't know what to say, so I nodded enthusiastically as Emma Henry walked out of Align.
A few weeks later, I texted Jude to check in on him. Our conversations still felt awkward, and with the lack of communication, I was scared I was losing him too. I didn't tell him Barrett and I broke up. It was too soon, and I didn't break up with him for Jude; I broke up with him for me.
Rachel called me the other day and told me that she saw Jude recently at an industry event. He'd let his facial hair grow to a stubble, very Clooney. I just needed to give him space, that was all. Space and time, and maybe one day we'd have a chanceat something more than friendship if it was still what we both wanted.
I was on my morning run, and while jogging through Harvard Yard and the ancient trees, I felt my watch vibrate. I looked down and saw an email notification.
