Page 133 of Sweet Hate
He wouldn’t and you know it.
Urghhh, I mean, his are not the actions of someone thinking about moving on. If anything, they are definitely leaning toward the opposite. He’s called mehisa lot. Likea lot. And I like it a whole bloody lot too.
But if I assume that or bring it up and I’m wrong and this is all just a temporary thing for him, then I’ll never be able to stay here. Not if I’ve let myself fall in love with him. There is no way.
The silence is deafening, stretching across the expanse of Grams’ kitchen as my brain mentally creates lists upon lists of pros and cons. Except, I might as well have written them in Ancient Greek because I can’t figure out a single word they say.
I breathe in and hold it for four before releasing it in a drawn-out exhale. A little trick I picked up to help calm my anxietydown when I realized I’d gotten through a huge portion of my life relying on someone else to help me do it. In a strange way, I guess things worked out better for me and my own personal growth. I’d been too reliant on Axel growing up. Too secure that he had me.
“He told me about what happened with his dad,” I practically whisper into the silence. Don’t ask me why I’m whispering. Surprise, then sadness fills Grams eyes at my words.
“That poor family suffered a lot. My heart breaks all over again when I think about it.”
“You should have told me, Grams. I asked you about him, told you he’d gone silent on me. I only found out about his dad a few months ago, through Mia. I had no idea it happened so long ago.”
“He swore me to secrecy, Havey. He was adamant I didn’t tell you a single thing because he knew you’d come straight back.”
“Of course I would have. Ishouldhave! I left him alone at the worst moment of his life while he held my hand through all my bullshit. It isn't fair.”
“Sometimes life isn’t fair, Haven. We know this more than most. It wasn’t fair that you were forced to grow up without a mother and in a totally different country from your own father during your formative years. I would never change that because I got to keep you with me, and I’ll cherish that till the day I die. But if I could have kept your mother alive to raise you herself, I would have done anything to give you that, no matter what it cost me.”
My eyes flood with tears at her words. I’m so grateful to have had Grams. Growing up without Mom had been tough, but Grams had never once let me feel unloved or unsupported. She selflessly took me in and raised me, so I wasn’t stuck with nanny after nanny, because God knows, as amazing as Dad is, he’s a workaholic of epic proportions.
I inherited the same drive, and it cost me the ability to be here for the most important person in my life, but the most frustrating thing is that no one thought I was strong enough to decide for myself.
“What Axel did for you is no different from what I did. He was selfless, choosing you over himself. There aren’t many men who would do that, especially at such a young age.”
“It’s a little different. I could have deferred my training, started later after I’d helped him through the worst of it. I could have brought him with me. I could have?—”
“You’d have never left, sweetheart. You know that. I know that. Axel knows that. You would have thrown your life away and deprived that handsome Scottish chef from the chance to try the best dessert of his life.”
Her attempt at humor pulls a weak smile from me, and I sigh, mulling over her words.
“I don’t know what to think, Grams. I don’t know what all of this is with Axel. I don’t know what I even want it to be.”
“Only you can answer that, Havey. Look deep into your heart and listen to what it’s telling you.”
A musical sign would be helpful right now. I’ve played a little game with myself ever since I was a kid. I’d mentally ask for a sign in the form of the next song to play. It would start small, like,Will today be a good day?orShould I do this?before it progressed to bigger things. I’m not entirely sure it’s rational to hinge big life decisions on the next song to randomly play on the stereo, but I’m not exactly known as the most rational person. Besides, it's fun.
Give it a try. Ask for a sign and see what you get.
Grams will think I’ve lost my marbles but screw it. I may as well put the Alexa I got her to good use since she thinks it’s spyware sitting in her kitchen and refuses to use it.
“Alexa, play music.”
Roxette’s “Listen to your heart” blasts through the tiny round speaker, and I barely contain the urge to laugh outloud. This bitch is still hitting a little too on the nose with her music choices, apparently.
So helpful.
Not.
44
HAVEN
Give me a sign.
I’m standing on the sidewalk outside the bakery, waiting for Axel. For some reason, I can’t unlock it to let myself inside, which is weird, so I'm distracting myself by playing my music game again.
