Page 46 of Sweet Hate
I stop pacing, my pulse hammering and my chest heaving, trying to catch my breath. Slowly looking up at Beckett, I see a small smile on his lips.
“Progress, Axeman. That’s progress.”
I sit back down and hang my head, both thankful and resentful at the fact we’ve had a quiet shift today. I don’t know where all that shit came from.
“So, let’s break it down. Do you actually hate her?”
He runs his thumb over his lip, watching me intently, and I want to say yes. I’ve conditioned my mind to think I do. I’ve held onto that belief for over a decade. But do I? Do I really hate her, or do I hate myself and the impossible position I put us in by agreeing to take her virginity that summer? By daring her into that closet at our Graduation party in the first place? I knew she was leaving in a few months. I knew it the entire fucking time.
Her time in Sweet Haven was only ever meant to be temporary. Grams stepped in to raise her when she lost her mom because her dad couldn’t do it alone and they had no one else. She was always going to go home. She idolized her dad. The opportunity to learn from him was all she ever talked about.
I’m the one who fucked it all up. I was the one who changed the rules of our friendship because I wanted more. I wanted her.
I said it would be OK, that nothing would change between us, and I was the stupid prick who went ahead and fell for her anyway. Knowing she’d leave me, I still did it.
And then I chose to keep my dad’s cancer diagnosis from her a few weeks before she was due to leave. I never told her my entire world was falling apart. I chose to hold it all inside and pretend there was nothing wrong, using her to hide from my pain because being with her meant at least a part of my world still made sense.
I refused to tell her. If I had, she’d have stayed with me. I didn’t want that—I wanted her to live her dreams. That's all I ever wanted for her.
But when the time came for her to go, and I had to sit there and face not only the reality of not having her in my life but also see my dad’s health declining until he left me too, it was just easier to shut down and hate her for leaving me.
God knows I needed someone to blame, so I blamed her, but she did nothing wrong. She had no idea what I was going through or of my feelings for her. None of it.
I destroyed us.I did this.Not her.
“No. I don’t hate her,” I mutter, my gaze fixed to the floor. My eyes feel heavy, suddenly so fucking tired.
“What do you want from her now?” Beckett asks calmly.
I think about that for a second. After that tirade, I’m not sure what else he wants me to say.
“I want my best friend back.”
“Just as a friend?”
“Yes. Anything else she’d give me would just be a bonus.”
“Anything else? So, you do want something more? But how is that going to end any differently when she leaves again? I assume sheisleaving?”
“It’s different now. I know her life’s not here anymore. I know she can’t stay. Every time I’m with her, I turn into a total idiot and find some way to fuck it all up, but while she’s back, even if it’s temporary, I just want us to be like we used to. BeforeI went and fucked shit up. I just don’t know how to get us there.”
Pausing, I think back to those times and can’t help the smile that stretches across my face.
“You know we wouldn’t stop laughing? Morning to night, we would constantly find stupid ways to make each other laugh. Daring each other to do the most ridiculous shit.”
“She sounds like she’s a lot of fun.”
“The best, man; there’s no one else like her. No offense to you or Lucas, you’re the best friends anyone could ask for, but she’s…”
Beckett stands up and claps me on the back.
“It's cool, I get it. Why don’t you just try talking to her? If you keep screwing it up face to face, what about texting her? It’s often easier to communicate that way. Even you can’t fuck that up, surely.”
I grin up at him, feeling lighter than I have since Haven got back to town.
“When did you get so wise?”
“Dr. Foxy, baby!” He grins, shooting me a wink and startling a laugh out of me.
