Page 117 of Catching Kyle
“Uh, yeah,” I say, my forehead starting to sweat, sufficiently embarrassed. “Who’s this?”
“I’m sorry to keep calling you,” the male voice says. “It’s Jimmy. Remember me?”
Jimmy. The owner of the diner in Glamour Springs who’s like an older brother to Kyle.
“Jimmy,” I say. “Nice to hear from you. But Kyle and I aren’t exactly together anymore. As you obviously know.”
“Yeah,” he says. “I know. I had a feeling this would happen. I wanted to reach out for a while to talk to you about it.”
“I’m not sure what you could tell me,” I say. “Even if Kyle wanted me back, I don’t think I’d say yes.”
“I wanted to talk because I’ve been through the same thing,” he says. “I wanted to offer my support. You got a few minutes to talk?”
I look around the employee room. Nobody’s around, but anyone could walk in. I don’t know what Jimmy has to say, but he’s a friendly, familiar voice. The only people I’ve talked to in the past week are customers and the men fucking me.
“Sure,” I say, standing up and grabbing my coat. I make my way outside into the cold and put my headphones in. “So what’s going on?”
He chuckles. “That’s what I wanted to ask you,” he says. “How are you holding up since Kyle walked out on you?”
No sugar-coating things I see. “Honestly, pretty bad.”
He sighs. “Yeah, sounds about right. That’s how it was for me when my ex left.”
I start walking down the sidewalk. “This happened to you?”
“Not exactly the same,” he says. “But pretty damn similar.” He tells me how his ex’s insecurity led to him keeping secrets, cheating, and to their eventual falling out.
“And you’re saying you told Kyle all this?”
“Yeah,” he grunts. “I tried to warn him how vicious internalized homophobia can be. We can obviously see that now. But he thought he’d be okay.”
I exhale through my nose, sending steam into the cold air. “Yeah, obviously not.”
“But I wanted to share my experience with you. Because I handled it really poorly. And I don’t want you to do the same.”
My interest is piqued. “How’d you handle it poorly?”
He lets out a long sigh. It sounds like he’s still hurt. “I shut everyone out. I blamed everyone I could. I held my anger and bitterness close to my heart. I thought if I let it go, I’d be approving of what Joe did to me. Sending a message to the world that anyone could lie to or cheat on me and that I wouldn’t care.
“And I did this for so long. I got depressed. I had to go see a professional. I gained a lot of weight. Still getting over the effects of that. It was bad. But then I learned something that changed my whole perspective.”
I reach a street corner and decide to keep walking. “What’s that?”
“That I can’t do this alone,” he says. “In looking for people to blame, I isolated myself. And eventually started blaming myself for everything. I needed to talk to others to get outside myself to get an accurate perspective. To heal. So that’s what I did. Kyle’s mama was a big inspiration. Silas, Martha, and Llewellyn have been my rocks as well.
“I imagine that someone in your shoes is pissed. I’d be too. But don’t let that depression swallow you up. It can do real damage. And from what I know, you’re a real good kid. I would hate to see you waste away like I did.”
As I walk and listen, something catches my eye. I peer into the glass of the building next to me and spot a bunch of different anime books. Right in front of me is the latest physical volume of One Piece, Amani’s favorite anime.
I let out a long sigh, one that I’ve been holding for what feels like months. “Thank you so much Jimmy,” I say. “You’re right.”
“Just thought I’d pass along the wisdom that was given to me. If Kyle’s mama hadn’t been there for me, I don’t know if I woulda made it.”
I remember her, along with my sponsor months ago, telling me to focus on myself. To not try and chase after Kyle. And per Jimmy’s advice, I think that means breaking my self-imposed isolation.
“I’m glad you did,” I say. “I’ve been isolating myself hardcore. I think it’s time to end that.”
“Good,” he says. “I didn’t want to take too much of your time, but I gotta get back to work.”
