Page 121 of Catching Kyle
I feel the back of my eyes heat. The team is supposed to have a little party tonight, then talk about strategy for the Championship Game, honing our plans for if we play the Slayers or the Vanguards. But I don’t know if I have the energy for that.
All my gear off, I grab a towel and head to the shower. There has to be another way to get his attention—I don’t want to never see him again.I could go to his apartment. But I don’t want to creep him out. I don’t want to seek him out if he doesn’t want to see me.
I bang my fist against the shower tile, hot water warming my snow-chilled body.
Then I remember: there is one woman I know who has been able to help me think clearly, one of the first people I ever came out to. I haven’t met with her in a while, but maybe her counsel is just what I need.
Depressed and all but hopeless, I gather a little encouragement from the thought that, at the very least, I’ll be able to be fully honest with someone.
* * *
I sit across from Neeti, my old therapist, as she gathers her notes. Her office is in the same condition I remember, and she’s even burning the same incense as before—jasmine—bringing back memories of that first session together where I told her about my dad.
“It is so good to see you again, Kyle,” she says, her eagerness making her Indian accent a little stronger.
“It’s good to see you too,” I say, blushing.
“It’s been, what, a few months?”
“Something like that,” I say, scratching the back of my head.
“Just as we were really working through some issues with your father.”
“Yeah,” I say, almost embarrassed. “But I have made some headway on my own in terms of what’s going on in my head. I can bring you up to speed.”
She smiles. “I’d love to hear it.”
So I tell her everything, from our last session to me taking Michael to my hometown. To Timmy calling me and telling me the jig was up. To dating Jessica, then to Christmas. And up to now. At least most of the darkness is gone now that Jessica isn’t pressuring me to be intimate.
“My, my,” she says. “We could make your life a movie.”
I laugh, feeling winded from talking for so long. “Yeah.”
“So if I can ask,” she says, focusing up at a random part of the room. “You are trying to get Michael back?”
“Yes,” I say with all the seriousness I can muster.
“Are you sure?”
Something pricks my chest, and I start to get hot. “I’m sure,” I say. “Why? Do I not sound convincing?”
“Oh no,” she says, shaking her head. “You do sound convincing. The issue is that your past actions are not.”
I squint at her. “I beg your pardon?”
She adjusts herself in her seat. “What I’m about to say may be hard to hear.”
Now I adjust in my seat, feeling my body heat up further. “Lay it on me,” I say. “Not like I have any other options.”
“Most sessions you’ve come in expressing desire to either break free from your father’s legacy, or to make things right with Michael. But most of the time, when it matters most, you fall back on what you least want and instead pick what you think you should do. Think about Thanksgiving. You were all but confident that nothing could get in the way of your love for Kyle. And then your agent called.”
I let out a heavy sigh. Jimmy was right, after all. When things got hard, I chose to be ‘normal’ over who I loved.
“Yeah, I’ll admit that was not my strongest moment.”
“But that’s what I’m talking about, Kyle. You’ve had a couple of really strong moments: your coming out, your decision to date Michael despite the outside pressures. But your own moments of self-sabotage have proved far stronger. It’s no wonder that Michael doesn’t want to talk to you. He has no reason to believe that your words mean anything.”
“Sheesh,” I say, wiping my sweaty forehead. “You weren’t kidding when said ‘hard to hear’.”
