Page 127 of Catching Kyle
He gestures to the table. “Sit with me?”
“That’s why I came,” I say, scratching my arm.
He pulls out my chair for me, then pushes it in at the exact right time like a gentleman. I will not swoon no matter how swoon worthy he is right now. I can’t forget what happened, and I can’t forget that words are where he does best. This is what Susan reminded me. Watch their hips, never their lips. It’s what hedoesthat matters.
“I don’t see a point in delaying it,” he says, sitting down. He looks me right in the eyes, his hands clasped on the table in front of him. “I am so, so sorry.”
The intensity of his gaze, his genuine gaze, makes me squirm.
“You walked out on me, Kyle,” I say. “And you never said a word to me after. Do you understand how damaging that is to me? To us?”
Our waiter, Charles, comes out and sets some bread on the table along with an appetizer. Good. At least Kyle’s ordered in advance so we won’t be interrupted.
“I can’t even begin to imagine how damaging it was,” Kyle says, shaking his head. “What I did was wrong.”
I recall the intense feelings of abandonment that threatened to tear my body in half that night I laid in his mom’s kitchen, sobbing into her arms.
“Well,” I say, my chest on fire. “You need to imagine it. You have no idea what that was like for me. My parents abandoned me as a child with their neglect. Then time and time again I’ve had my heart broken by shitty men who didn’t know what they wanted. Then I gained some self-respect and started dating out gay men, but even then the same problem persisted. For the life of me, I couldn’t find men who were emotionally available.
“So I finally decided to focus on myself and my recovery. And I fucking blossomed. I gained so much confidence in myself, learned so much about who I was. This was when I rediscovered my love for writing for Christ’s sake.
“And then you came along. I just so happened to show up on the doorstep of my greatest sexual fantasy. But I kept myself at bay, not letting myself catchfeelings. I figured you were straight, and even if you weren’t, I knew a closeted man in the NFO would not be emotionally mature enough for a relationship.”
Kyle squirms in his seat, anxiously pulling on his beard hairs. I hit the nail on the head there.
“But then you fucking prove me wrong. First, you take an interest in me and what I like to read. Then you like my writing. You help me with it. You show me how sweet you can be. My walls come down. And then you fucking come out to me. Meanwhile, here I am realizing that I don’t just think you’re hot. You have me realizing that I like you. Then, for the love of God, we have sex, and it’s transcendent. We start dating—in secret, of course, but we do.
“And then you pull away. Slowly but surely. Then it’s November, and here I am thinking I’m gonna have to break up with you.”
By now, tears leak out of my eyes, but I only notice once they cool down my hot cheeks.
“And what do you do? You prove me wrong. Again. On Thanksgiving, you take me into your home. I’m part of your family. I feel safe and loved in ways I haven’t in years, maybe ever. And then what do you do?”
Kyle cringes. “I abandon you.”
“Yes,” I say, thrown off that he took the words out of my mouth. “You abandon me. You throw everything we ever had in the garbage. You leave me to sift through every interaction we’ve ever had, turning each one over and denying that any of it was ever any good. You leave me to realize that everything you did and said was a lie.”
He leans forward. “It wasn’t a lie. None of it was.”
“Which wasn’t a lie, Kyle?” I ask. “You saying you loved me? Or you running away?”
He clenches his fist and chews on his lips. “It’s not that simple.”
I let out a sharp laugh. “Great. So you invite me here to tell me it’s complicated.”
“Michael,” he says, like a teacher scolding a child. His sternness chills my body.
“What? Didn’t want to hear what I have to say?”
“Of course I did,” he says, leaning back in his chair. “But I also wanted to talk about how I want to give us another chance. Damnit, Michael. I fucking love you, you know that? I never stopped thinking about you when I ran away. Hell, I couldn’t. You stuck to my mind like fucking glue. And when you stopped reaching out, my heart felt like it would burst.”
“Then why’d you do it?” I groan. “Why did you just walk away from me? From what we had?”
“Because I was a coward without integrity,” he says. “I didn’t know what I stood for. But now I do.”
I sigh through my nose. “And that is?”
He leans forward and rests his elbow on the table. To our side, another table sits with a bunch of gorgeously expensive looking food that the waiter has been bringing out. Any other day, I’d be seizing the opportunity to eat such delicacies. But I’m the furthest thing from hungry right now.
