Page 129 of Catching Kyle
Talking, and even writing, about romance has made my chest tight in ways it never has before. I don’t know why. I finally became strong enough to put off emotionally unavailable men altogether when I rejected Kyle, and it shows in my writing. So why do I feel this way?
“I have a question for the group,” Josh, one of our new gay book club goers, says. He looks at me. “Can I ask it?”
“Go right ahead,” I say.
He nods. “If your entire life you had been invisible, how would you react to someone who could finally see you? I don’t see how youcouldn’tfall in love with them.”
Though a simple hypothetical, his question pricks my chest. And it seems to affect others as well because it starts a lively discussion. But as they all discuss, I shrink inside myself. Because the only person I can think of is Kyle.
I did have the experience of being invisible and finally being seen. My whole life, I was seeking people who did not want to be found. Who did not want a relationship. So I closed myself off. But Kyle was the one who went seeking me out. Time and time again. Starting with my writing, seeing it in ways no one else had before. Then taking me on a date and being so present. Then wanting to date me, taking me to his home on Thanksgiving. Yes, he did abandon me. But then he took me out to dinner and said he wanted to make it all up.
By the time the discussion ends and I’m on my way home, I can’t stop thinking about him. And I’m honestly confused. This entire time, I’ve labelled Kyle as emotionally unavailable, someone who says one thing and does another, never really saying what he means. But this dinner we had earlier this week, I think that was a way he was showing his love. But then it was in private? Gah, I don’t know.
I pick up my phone and immediately dial Susan. She answers on the second ring. I’m so grateful that she gives up her time to me like this. I need her insight when I get this confused.
“So what’s going on?” she asks after some pleasantries, her voice echoing throughout my car.
“I still love Kyle,” I say. “Even after everything.”
“I don’t blame you,” she says. “Feelings are hard. And messy.”
I sigh, thinking of those Championship Game tickets in my inbox. He got me and my friends a private suite. For the Championship Game! When I saw the price on the receipt, I nearly threw up. We’d be sharing the booth with his girlfriend, Jessica, but still.
“What if I want to give him another chance?” I ask. “Is that bad?”
“If you want to give him a chance, then that’s what you want to do. There’s nothing wrong with that. It could turn out better than you could imagine, or not. You don’t know what you don’t know.”
“But what he did on Thanksgiving—that’s unforgiveable.”
“Is it?” she retorts. “What sort of recompense are you expecting?”
I pause, not knowing what to say. “He said he was sorry,” she says. “And from what you described about your dinner, it sounds like he’s doing everything he can to get you back. Choosing not to forgive only hurts you. But what you do with your boundaries is up to you. You can let him back into your life or let him go. The universe will provide you the lesson you need to learn no matter what you choose.”
I want to let him back in, but I feel anxious about it. “But he’s all talk,” I say. “What if the same thing just happens again? He gets distant and then ghosts me?”
“Ah, the classic ‘what if’,” she says, laughing. “I’ll counter that: what if the two of you live a long, happy, healthy life together?”
The thought of that sends butterflies fluttering all around my torso, and I grip my steering wheel so tight my knuckles go white.
“And you say he’s not showing it. Didn’t he get you tickets to the Championship Game?”
“Yeah,” I say begrudgingly. “But I don’t know why. I’m not going as his boyfriend. His girlfriend is going to be there.”
“Hmm,” she says as if she’s onto something. “Maybe there’s something else to it. I won’t tell you what to do, but I will remind you that sometimes people show love in the ways we least expect it.”
“So you think I should go?” I ask.
“I think you should do what feels best for you,” she says.
I take a deep breath, and the answer is all but clear. “I think I’m gonna go,” I say. “But I’m scared.”
“Of course you would be,” she says. “But remember: you are not alone. You have me, the universe, your friends.”
And maybe after this, Kyle, I think to myself.
“You’re right,” I say.
“Well, have a great time at the game,” she says. “As always, call if you need anything. And give the Tigers all the love you can for me. They’ve played well this season, but the Vanguards have done even better. They’ll need all the luck they can get.”
