Page 17 of Catching Kyle
I don’t have that burger yet, but I already have heartburn. Probably from all those cookies. For a minute here, it almost seems like I can open up. Tell my Ma that it’s been hard seeing women. That my mind always go dark whenever I need to be intimate with one, emotionally or physically. Like it goes real dark—my heart beats really fast, and I can’t help but think I’m just some weirdo that wasmade up all wrong. Daddy always said to avoid these emotions—that these sorta negative emotions were for the women and queers. A real man didn’t let these dark thoughts get to him. So I just avoided what always brought these emotions out: women.
But I can’t tell my ma that. I don’t want to talk poorly about Dad, even if they are divorced. Without him, I wouldn’t be living my dream. And I certainly don’t want to tell her about how I need to find a girlfriend in order to get re-signed with the Tigers. I’m here to enjoy myself, not stress.
“There’s no one,” I say, tying my paper straw in a knot.
“That’s alright,” she says. She reaches out and holds my hand. “I think you’re amazing all by yourself.”
“Thanks, ma,” I say. She gets distracted by a text and looks down at her phone. I pull on both ends of the paper straw, tearing it in half. The knot stays intact.
And my mind immediately goes to Peter.
Well, Michael—that’s his real name. They say that when the knot stays, someone is thinking about you. Does that mean he’s thinking about me? My stomach tingles at the thought, or maybe it’s just the cookies. Either way, he’s on my mind. And I kinda want to be on his.
I was able to read nearly all of that Nora Roberts book on the plane, and I loved it. I’ve been to Montana before—stayed in a cabin with some buddies. But, dare I say it, the whole setting was very romantic. And reading a book about it unleashed a part of my mind that always wanted some cowboy to whisk me away to his ranch and tell me I was handsome and valid and awesome.
Just a fantasy, though.
And in a few days, I get to discuss this book with Michael. I know I’m supposed to be going to this book club to meet some girl or whatever, but I just can’t stomach that. I don’t want to feel all that darkness in my head again. But I didn’t get those dark thoughts with Michael, and I’m actually kinda eager to hear what he has to say about it. That’s also when he’s going to give me a little of his book, and I’m curious to see what a gay romance is really about. Just curiousthough. I know it will be about love between two gay guys, but I can’t help but wonder how that will all play out…
Yikes. I guess I sorta lied to my ma. Thereissomebody in my life. I wouldn’t call him special, but he certainly isn’t nobody.
My heartburn flares again just as Jimmy brings our food out.
“Jesus, Jimmy,” I say, marveling at him. “You got a roadrunner in the kitchen or something? I feel like I haven’t even blinked.”
He sets down my ma’s Caesar salad and my burgers and fries. I gawk down at the greasy masterpiece, already looking forward to the glorious nap after this, my heartburn be damned.
“What can I say?” Jimmy says with a shrug. “I’m good at what I do.”
I take a bite of the steak burger, and it’s like heaven pouring into my mouth. The juiciness of the burger complemented by a little ketchup and his thousand island sauce—I’m throwing this diet to the wind.
“Jimmy, you’re not killing me—you have killed me, and I’ve gone straight to heaven.”
Both he and my ma laugh.
“Thanks, Kyle,” he says. “Now you both enjoy.”
“We will,” my ma says.
And as we eat, I can’t help but notice bright orange and pink dip into my periphery. As I’m savoring the last bite of my first burger, I turn to see that the building across the gravel road as a gay flag in front of it—a lesbian flag if I’m not mistaken.
“That,” I say, nodding my head to it, still swallowing my food.
My mom turns to it as she takes a bite. “Oh, yes,” she says, light in her eyes. “That’s a lesbian owned bookstore and coffee shop, The Book Corner. It’s spectacular.”
My chest burns again, and I press my hand against it. “Lesbians?” I ask, letting out a small burp. Even though I came here to stay with my mom often as a kid, I never noticed that Glamour Springs was this inclusive.
“You wanna know why I choose to live here, Kyle?”
I wipe my hands with a napkin and nod.
“Because it’s like a little oasis in a tempestuous sea,” she says, emphasizing each syllable of the thunderous word. “People are accepting here. Kind. And it’s where I want to spend the rest of my life.”
I gaze back over at the flag that blows in the wind. Some people walk by, but they don’t pay the flag any mind. It’s almost like it just belongs there.
I start on my second burger. “That’s cool,” I say. “I have to leave tomorrow morning, and there’s some people I’d like to see while I’m here. But maybe next time I visit I can check it out.”
“It’s wonderful,” she says. “I think you’d enjoy it too.”
