Page 13 of Fractured Grief
Lyric
So, you’ll let me come stay and help you?
Seb
Yes, brat!
What about Ma?
Lyric
I’ll talk to Ma now, and we’ll both see you at ten!
He ended that text with three big grin emojis. I guess he was excited.
Seb
Okay. Thanks again.
Lyric sent back the big grin emoji and the devil face emoji. Classic Lyric.
I breathed out, both relieved and completely exhausted. I thought I was improving, but longer conversations were still proving difficult. It was beyondfrustrating.
Before meeting with Judy, I had a morning session with Indy. His exercises, stretches, and strengthening had helped my arm and leg immeasurably. Although I was beyond exhausted and sore afterward, the results spoke for themselves. My progress gave me hope. When the darkness crept in or I had a setback, thishopewas what I clung to.
I was finishing up my session when Ma, Yaya, and Lyric walked in. They all waved in greeting and took their seats, knowing not to interrupt. Indy had me on the dreaded parallel bars, which I’d hated from the beginning. This time, he included a small step in the middle of the bars. It was a way to challenge me and help bring more awareness to my leg. From his sessions, I gained more strength in my core and arms so that I was able to catch myself more often than I let myself fall, unlike my time with other PTs.
“You know what to do. Focus on your right leg. Brace yourself.” Indy crouched as I made it up the step. Going up wasn’t the hard part; the step down was. “Good. Now take a minute and try stepping off with your right leg first. Trust your body, engage your core. That’s it.”
Indy’s voice was soothing as we went through drill after drill, over and over. He was always there to encourage me, but also push me. This was only the second time we had done this exercise sequence with my shoes on. Tying my laces was another skill I’d had to relearn with my OT. While my arm was almost back to a hundred percent, my fingers still lacked feeling, and there seemed to be a delay between my brain and my hand.
My fingers also cramped a lot, and the tightness and subsequent muscle spasms were fucking painful. It meant the nerves and blood flow were healing the pathways. I didn’t understand much of what the doctors said after that, except for, “That’s to be expected.”
That seemed to be their favorite phrase.
After they said that, it usually meant I was in for more agony and anger before things improved. If they expected this, then why didn’t they tell me all of this at the start? Every time a new symptom improved, another one took its place, but it was allto be expected.I could feel the anger bubbling as my mind drifted.
Fuck!
“Argh, fuck!” Pain shot through my knee as I missed the step, and my knee buckled, and both legs went out from under me. I grabbed the bars to catch myself before I hit the mat.
I could hear my family gasp. This was not a good thing for them to see.
“Seb!” Indy reacted quickly, bracing my weight as he helped lower me to the mat. “Easy now. Take a moment. Are you okay?” His multicolored eyes shone with concern.
“Damn it, damn it, d-d-damn it,” I cursed. I’d been doing so well the last few times. Why did my body choose now to rebel? It felt like one step forward, two steps back, and it was wearing me down.
“Hey, it’s okay. Just a stumble,” Indy tried to reassure me.
“I d-don’t think th-hat was...” I had to breathe through the ache as I shifted my right leg. “It’s my kn-kn-knee.” I glanced at Indy, then at the anxious faces of my family. “D-don’t tell them.”
Indy hesitated, confusion marring his features. “Okay... You know a nurse will need to assess you, so...” He shrugged like he didn’t understand what I was asking.
“Can you a-a-ask them to l-leave?”
“And say what? They’re here to help you.”
“I know, but I c-c-can’t have an-other s-s-setback. It’s too m-much... All they’ve b-been th-rough,p-please.” I glanced down, trying to keep the sudden wetness in my eyes from showing. I didn’t know why I was having this sort of reaction. They wouldn’t care about another setback, only that I was okay. This was more my pride and self-preservation than anything else.
