Page 28 of Fractured Grief
I rubbed at the tension headache forming as I reached for my phone to reply and get my thoughts in order.
I guess so, but I feel like I’m letting Ma down by not settling down. Now that Atty has Bodhi, I’m feeling more pressure. But why now?Why am I interested in someone after all these years? And Indy is totally different from Emmy, like not even in the same ballpark. It’s weird.
I handed Lyric my phone.
I couldn’t get my head around what I was feeling. Was I just looking for companionship with someone who understood my grief and could relate to me outside of my family?
Lyric handed back my phone. “You could be bi or pan, you know, and it doesn’t matter when you figure things out. There’s no time limit on discovering your sexual identity or preferences. Even if you decide something, it could change in a week, a month, a year, or ten, and that’s fine, too. You know I’m not one for labels, but I did my research when I was like twelve, after the dinner where Theo and Atty came out to Ma and Pa. I wanted to know what it might be called that I liked everyone, so I settled on pansexual for myself. I’m more fluid in my tastes than any label allows, but maybe that’s different for you. Do you care that Indy is a guy? Does it make a difference?” Lyric paused to let all that settle in.
I thought it through as I typed.
I’m a little worried about what sort of research you did at twelve.
I couldn’t help but quirk an eyebrow at Lyric’s answering smirk.
“I blossomed early and was horny all the damned time, still am. Do you really want to know what I got up to?”
“No! I do not ever want to know about you or any of my b-brother’s sex lives, thank you very much.”
“All right, all right. So, how do you feel about bisexual? Does the gender of who you’re attracted to matter? Other than Emily and now Indy, have you ever been attracted to anyone else or admired any particular traits in any gender?” Lyric asked.
I scrubbed a hand over my face. Typing out my thoughts felt less embarrassing than trying to stutter them out.
Attraction has never been a thing for me. I don’t really notice if someone is attractive or not.And no, gender never mattered. With Em I was interested in her energy and the fun we had together. It had nothing to do with the fact that she was a girl. And Indy…
I trailed off, thinking of Indy’s sunshine smile. He lit up any room he walked into, but that was all Indy and nothing to do with him being male; it was justhim.
Once I came back to myself, Lyric was reading my phone upside down and studying me intently.
“What?” I asked, “You’re never t-this quiet.”
“I am when it’s serious,” he glanced at his feet, shuffling in place. He looked a bit forlorn.
“Hey, I was just k-kidding. I know you can be s-serious. What’s wrong?” I jostled his shoulder to get him to look at me.
“It’s nothing. I’ve… been doing some more reading. Someone referred to themselves as a term I was unfamiliar with, so I needed to look it up. Have you thought about asexuality?”Was Lyric blushing? He was!I wondered what about asexuality, or this person he mentioned, could make him blush.
“I’ve never th-thought about asexuality. I mean, Em and I had sex, so I don’t think I’d fall under that label anyway,” my cheeks heated.
“You can have sex and be asexual,” Lyric rolled his eyes. “Consider reading up on it, if you want. I’ve been exploring what demisexual means, which is under the ace umbrella. It's something worth considering. I can tell you’re reaching your limit, so maybe you could look into all this for yourself. It might help you identify what you’re feeling, or at least, give you a better idea. It might offer you some comfort.” Lyric patted my shoulder. “I’m starving. I’m gonna run out to the restaurant and see what I can snag for us. I’ll leave you here to ponder in peace.” With that, he bounded out the door and left me to my thoughts.
Doing some research might help, or at least help me identify what I was feeling.
Asexuality.
Maybe I was, maybe I wasn’t, but I would take Lyric’s advice and look it up.
Chapter 15
Indy
Throwing myself back into work was better than dwelling on whatever the fuck had almost happened with Seb. I couldn’t think about it, or I might panic, freak out, cry again, or God knows what else. I’d been unprofessional enough for one day.
The rest of the day thankfully flew by, and I didn’t have any time to dwell on Seb. Not until after Hazel was in bed and I was alone in my room, stuck in my head.
I was trying to write up my case notes for the day, but I couldn’t focus. With Seb being my first client, his notes needed to be processed first so that we could confirm his next appointment in less than forty-eight hours.
All I could think about was the heated way he’d gazed at me. No one had ever looked at me like that. It had set my skin on fire.
