Page 31 of Fractured Grief
Lyric hesitantly moved closer.
“Look, I get not wanting to talk, but please, Lyric, tell me what’s going on.” I caught his gaze, pleading with him to open up.
His body heaved with a heavy sigh as he looked away. “I’m not sure, Seb. I’m, like, scared all the time and confused.Lost. I have nightmares. You were hurt, and I just stood there, frozen in place, watching you fade away.” Tears formed in his eyes. “I did nothing. You were dying and I didnothing.” His voice was so soft I could barely hear him.
I took his hand, nudging him with my shoulder. “But I’m here. I’m alive. If it weren’t for you, we could’ve lost everyone that day.”
He looked up at me with a watery smile. “I never knew I was capable of that sort of violence. I could’ve killed him Seb… and I didn’t care.”
“There is no way t-to prepare. You did the best you could, and you s-saved us.”
“No, I didn’t!” he yelled, launching to his feet. “I am no hero. You almost died. You were shot, Seb. You’re broken because I wasn’t quick enough. You’re suffering because I was too scared to leave the office.”
Lyric paced back and forth in front of me, tears streaming freely down his face. He’d obviously been keeping so much to himself. My heart broke for my little brother.
“Lyric.” I waited for him to look at me. “Noneof this is your fault.” I patted the space next to me. He was about to speak, but I cut him off. “No. Sit!”
He slowly lowered himself to the floor, still breathing heavily and looking completely shattered.
I held the physical scars and a few emotional ones, but it seemed Lyric was struggling with more than any of us knew.
“You need to t-talk to someone. You don’t have to go through this alone.”
“I’m talking to you,” he mumbled.
“That’s not what I meant, and you k-know it.”
“I know. I hoped these feelings would go away.”
“I don’t think that’s how it works. You know I love you, b-bro,” I said, offering what comfort I could. “And this isn’t something you want to hear, but thank you for s-stopping Derek. You did save Atty and Bodhi and made my stupiditynot be in vain.” I nudged his shoulder to get him to look at me. “If you didn’t stop him, my s-sacrifice would’ve been for nothing.”
A sad smile finally crossed his face. “I love you, too, Seb.” He jostled my shoulder right back. “But jumping in front of a crazed gunman was pretty stupid.”
Lyric would be okay. “Help me up. I need coffee.”
He did and then went about making us some coffee and getting ready to face the day.
As the weeks progressed, my body and mind got stronger, but so did my feelings for Indy. Our appointments had become the highlight of my week, and I looked forward to them more than a recovering patient should.
Even though I was getting stronger, there were still things I couldn’t do yet. Work was still off the table. Ma had taken me to visit a few times, each time getting a little easier. The fact that I didn’t remember anything after being shot made it easier for me to distance myself from all that had happened here.
Not being able to work on the cars and bikes that came in was hard. I hated feeling useless, and more often thannot, I was in the way. The garage was busy as usual, but so much had fallen on Atticus’s shoulders. I worried he was going to burn out. We needed to hire another mechanic, even if only for a little while.
I still couldn’t drive, and I didn’t know when or how I’d be able to again. Being stuck at home, even with all the visitors, was still better than the hospital, but it sucked. I was used to being active, going out, being in nature, and working. I had nothing to do or couldn’t do the things I wanted. I was starting to go stir crazy being cooped up. I needed to get out, so I convinced Lyric to drive me to my next appointment with Levi, rather than doing it on telehealth.
The drive was surprisingly enjoyable with Lyric singing along to whatever tune was on the radio. I attempted to work on my whittling project. I found that I enjoyed my new “hobby” more than I thought I would. Once I started, I realized not only did it help my hands and improve my fine motor skills, but it calmed my mind. I could zone out and meditate on the task at hand.
Before I knew it, Lyric was gently shaking my shoulder to get my attention. We’d arrived at the nearby parking lot, and it was a short walk to Levi’s office. Lyric helped get my cramped body out of his Subaru Crosstrek after I put my whittling kit away. He passed me my cane, and we made our way to Levi’soffice.
Lyric had messaged that he’d meet me at a café down from Levi’s office, so I headed that way. I made sure to take measured steps and use my cane. I’d come so far and was so thankful for all the progress I’d made with Indy, Judy, and Levi.
I felt surprisingly refreshed and reinvigorated after my appointment. My counselor always had a way of getting me to open up, even about things I never planned to tell anyone. Sometimes I thought he could read my mind. I’d reluctantly discussed my growing feelings for Indy and the possibility I could be on the ace spectrum.
I’d been worried about revealing my feelings. It felt so wishy-washy and juvenile. I couldn’t fully encapsulate the longing and light Indy brought into my life. The change he’d made by just being there. I was so caught up in my thoughts that I didn’t take in the world around me. A taxi came out of nowhere, jumped the curb, and clipped me.
I was knocked backward. My cane went flying, and I couldn’t keep my feet under me. Pain lanced through me as I tumbled to the ground, my hip and palms hitting the asphalt first. Horns honked, people started yelling andcursing, but all I could do was brace myself and wait for my body to tell me where I was hurt.
Through all the melee around me, a voice I recognized stood out.
