Page 41 of Fractured Grief
Once her crying ceased, I eased her back from the monkey grip she had on me. “What’s the matter, Haze?” This seemed like more than her being upset about her spilled breakfast.
“I broke mommy’s bowl,” she wailed and buried her face in my neck.
I rocked her as she cried. It was just a bowl, but I understood the significance. We each had our own bowl,plate, and cutlery. We’d chosen them together from a thrift store we’d visited before Lexi’s last birthday. They were all mismatched and cheap, as we couldn’t afford much, but they were ours. It had been a great day as we’d laughed at each other's ridiculous, tacky, and silly bowls and plates, all in the excitement of moving to our new place. It broke my heart that we’d lost another piece of Lex, and even more with her birthday around the corner.
“I know it’s hard, sweetheart, but Mom loved you more than any plate or bowl. She’d be worried about you being safe. She wouldn’t have wanted you to get hurt.” I kissed her messy red curls and hugged her close. “I miss her too, so much.”
“Do you?!” Hazel snapped, jumping out of my hold, tears staining her innocent face. “You’ve been so happy. It’s like you’ve forgotten that she’s gone.”
I sat there frozen in place as her words cut me to my core. How could she think such a thing?
“No Haze. Never.” I reached for her, but she flinched away from me, breaking my heart even more. “Mommy was my best friend in the whole world. It will never be okay that she’s gone.”
We stared at each other, our grief palpable in the air.
How could she think that I was okay with Lexi being gone? What had I done that made her feel that was even a possibility? My poor girl. She was hurting so much, more than I realized. How did I not notice? Shit, I was failing her. How could I help her? We were all alone. In that moment, all my dreams and hopes crashed. I couldn’t start a newlife when the old one was still haunting us. Hazel was my world, and I needed to do better for her.
“I’m so sorry, Hazel,” I paused, trying to gather my thoughts. “I miss Mommy every single day. She was the heart of our family. But you know what?”
“What?” Haze muttered; her little arms folded across her chest.
“Mommy would want us to be happy. She’d want us to find happiness in the little things and celebrate life the way she did.” My lips lifted into a sad smile. “Do you remember your fifth birthday and Mommy turned the living room into a fairy wonderland?”
Hazel’s face lit up with happiness, followed quickly by sadness as she nodded.
“She spent hours at night drawing and cutting out those flowers and streamers so that she could see you smile. She loved you more than anything in this world, and I know she’d not like it that you were so sad. Your mother was courageous, spirited, and so full of life, even after all she’d been through, that she would want us to live our lives like she did. Full of hope, love, and laughter. Don’t you think Mommy would have loved that?” I took a chance and reached out for Hazel again. Thankfully, she let me pull her into a hug. “Mommy loved to laugh. I remember whenever you got the giggles, she would always join in.”
Hazel chuckled as she pulled back to look me in the eyes. “And she always made you join in too, even when you were cranky and studying. She’d tickle you and chase you until you joined us. I miss our laughing cuddles.”
“I do too, sweetheart. I do too.” I held Hazel close and breathed her in. I wished I could have reassured her that things would get better and we’d be okay, but what did I know? This was new territory for both of us. I’d lost Mom, but that was different. I’d seen it coming. I knew it was going to happen, but Lexi was ripped from us, suddenly, unfairly, and at a time of happiness and celebration, which only made everything that much worse. We’d need to navigate this together, as best we could.
“We need to get ready for school,” I stated absently, “How about I get you some Cocoa Puffs as a treat and you can watch something while I clean up in the kitchen?”
“Really?” She looked up at me, her gaze filling with innocent excitement.
“Yes, but only for twenty minutes.” I kissed the top of her head and handed her the remote.
Walking into the kitchen, I took in the mess and quickly grabbed a paper towel to begin mopping up. I meant what I’d said to Hazel; it was just a bowl, but as I carefully gathered the broken pieces, it hit me again that Lexi was gone.
I wondered what she’d think of this place. If she, too, would have found work somewhere nearby or decided to go to school. What would our lives have been like had she lived?
I was so lost in thewhat ifsthat I didn’t even feel the initial cut, only noticing the paper towel was pink.
Shit!
I quickly grabbed the roll and went to the sink to check the damage. Running my hand under the water, I carefully assessed the cut. It didn’t look bad, just a few slices over the fleshy part of my palm. Blood still seeped from the wound, so I patted it dry with the towel and got a few plasters from the first aid kit to cover it and hopefully stop the bleeding. Hand cuts healed quickly, so I didn’t think much of it. It was fine.
With that all sorted, I quickly finished the cleanup and got Hazel’s cereal ready for her, ensuring she ate before we got our lunches together. I had to rush through the rest of my morning routine to get Hazel to school on time and make it to my first appointment.
The day passed by in a blur. We had six new inpatients, so we were now at full capacity and all our schedules were fully booked. I didn’t have time to stop and talk to Carol as I had planned. By the end of the day, I was exhausted and had a massive headache. I ended up messaging Seb to let him know I couldn’t chat tonight. I’d been so looking forward to it, but this headache wouldn’t quit.
Indy
I’m sorry we couldn’t chat tonight.
How was your day?
Seb
