Page 72 of Fractured Grief
“I hope that’s okay,” Seb spoke hesitantly. “We wanted you to rest, and Hazel said you used to make cookies with her sometimes.”
My heart swelled in my chest at the sweetness and consideration.
“It’s fine,” I said to Seb. “Did you have fun, Hazel?”
“Yes! Mr. Seb even let me sneak a few extra chocolate chips as we prepared the mix. He called them chef’s treats.” Hazel was beaming at Seb with hearts in her eyes, and it made me fall that much more in love with this man.
“Hey, that was supposed to be our little secret,” Seb whispered playfully to Hazel, while sending me a wink.
“Oops,” Hazel gasped and covered her mouth with her hands. “I forgot.”
Seb reached out and hugged Hazel’s tiny body to his side. “It’s okay, sweetheart. Next time we make these, we might need to save some extra chef’s treats for Daddy, too. How does that sound?”
“Yes! Then everyone can have a treat, and it can be our family secret.” Hazel spoke so matter-of-factly, completely unaware of how she melted my heart with her words.
“Let’s get you cleaned up, little miss. The cookies won’t take long.” Seb guided Hazel off the stool she’d been kneeling on and moved it to the sink before Hazel climbed back up, and Seb helped her wash her hands. “Do you think Daddy might let us make some hot cocoa to go with these cookies?”
“I love cocoa,” Hazel exclaimed. “Please, Daddy?”
I often found it hard to say no to her on the best of days, but when she and Seb both looked at me with such hope and a little silliness, all I could do was laugh and nod.
“Yay! Thanks, Daddy.” Hazel quickly hopped down and rushed over to give me a hug. She crooked her finger at me to lean down. “I like it here and I like Mr. Seb,” she whispered, her little expression turning serious. “Mommy would have liked Mr. Seb, too.”
Oh, my sweet girl. She never ceased to amaze me.
I stood there, a little dazed by her words as she rushed back over to Seb and asked if she could help him with the cocoa. I watched from my spot as they interacted and Seb guided Hazel to measure ingredients and helped her stir, taking extra care of her near the stove. Her tiny frame is a contrast to Seb’s extra-large and colorful one. He was so gentle with her, never losing focus and listening intently as she chatted away.
I thought about Lexi and all she would miss. But Hazel held her mom in her heart and always would.
I needed a moment to gather myself, overwhelmed with grief, longing, and love as all the emotions clashed inside me. I had times when I felt guilty, flashes of joy thateclipsed the sadness, but then there were occasions when I was torn down by the grief and lost to the feelings that things would never be the same again. Hazel and I were alone in the world until this giant man and his boisterous family wormed their way in.
“I’m just going to the bathroom,” I said, absently as I fled, tears welling in my eyes and my breathing turning ragged. It had almost been a year without her. I checked my phone on the way to the bathroom and realized the date. My stomach dropped. Her birthday was in sixteen days, and she’d died just over two weeks later. It hurt that her death tarnished her birthday memories—all the joy and celebrations stained as she’d never made it past twenty-five. The churning in my gut intensified as I entered the bathroom and splashed my face with cold water. I willed myself to take deep breaths and remember that this too would pass.
There’d always be a Lexi-shaped hole in our lives, but she was the reason I was the man I am today. And with Hazel, we could keep her alive in our hearts. As time moved on, we would be able to remember her as she was, full of joy, humor, and heart. So much of Lex was in Hazel. The sass, her headstrongness, and fierce protectiveness. She was her mother’s daughter through and through.
I took care of business and washed my hands. Taking deep breaths and letting all the emotions pass over me. I’d become quite adept at embracing the grief and not letting it break me. I took my time drying my face and wandered back through Seb’s bedroom.
Something caught my eye on Seb’s dresser. Tools I’d know anywhere, and I slowly made my way over. I unwrapped the black canvas roll, seeing all the whittling tools tucked into their respective slots. I traced my hand over each one.Why did Seb have these? Did he whittle too? What does he make?
I was so caught up in my thoughts that I jumped when Seb’s large arms circled my waist and his head rested on my shoulder.
“You okay?” he whispered into my skin, causing me to shiver.
“Yeah. I didn’t know you whittled,” I said, my voice hushed, not wanting to break this moment.
“It’s part of my recovery. Judy suggested it, and Levi helped me choose it. It’s to help my hands, but I found I really like it. It’s relaxing and I enjoy the feel of the wood taking.” He reached over me and opened an ornate wooden box to reveal various smooth spheres. “I’m not very good yet. I’m only now moving on to more complex figures. I just started trying to whittle a fox. He’s really rough, but I loved the process of carving his fur.”
“A fox, really?” My heartbeat increased.
“Ah, yeah. I can show you if you want,” Seb hesitated, his gaze watching me.
“Please,” I nodded.
Seb reached into the drawer and pulled out a canvas bag. He opened it to reveal his fox. It was rough and unrefined, but it was still beautiful. You could tell what it was supposed to be. The fox was sitting up with its tail wrappedaround to the front and its head tilted at an angle. The eyes or nose hadn’t been carved yet, so the creature seemed a little haunting. The tail had the most texture with small notches all over to show the full fur. I couldn’t help the silent tears as they streamed down my face.
I gazed up at Seb over my shoulder. “He’s beautiful.”
“So are you,” Seb whispered, caressing my cheek with a large, calloused hand, absently wiping away my tears.
