Page 23 of Real Rocks
As she walked away, I spotted my dad’s gaze follow her. Some things never changed.
We started to eat, but his comment was bugging me. “What did you mean when you said I shouldn’t believe everything I read?”
He chewed on a piece of steak before answering. “I didn’t know when the right time would be to tell you this, Tris, but I guess it could be now.” He placed his knife and fork down on his plate. “Your mother’s accident; well, it definitely was an accident, but you could say I was to blame for it.”
The onion ring I’d been eating suddenly got stuck in my throat. What the hell was he talking about? I reached for my pint and downed it, swallowing hard to alleviate the blockage.
“You know she liked to go out with her friends to bingo and pub quizzes and the like. I had no interest in going with her, so I stayed home to look after you as usual. It was our agreement.”
The depths of my memory dredged up that night. Like any other, mum had headed out with Sonia, one of her closest pals, promising to buy me something nice with whatever she won. I remember going to bed, then hearing the door slam sometime later before creeping downstairs to discover I was alone in the house. Nervous about being on my own, I went back to my room and shut the door, getting under the duvet and pulling it over my head to keep me safe. I didn’t sleep until Louis came back and broke the news to me. I fought back tears again as I remembered the words.Son, your mum won’t be back tonight, or ever. She’s been in an accident and she’s dead.Then he’d left the room, leaving me to deal with the consequences. He’d never been the best at softening the blow; always direct and to the point. I wished he had been different that night when all I needed was a hug.
I couldn’t speak, so I encouraged Louis to carry on with a nod of my head.
“I didn’t like her going out without me. I thought she might be seeing someone else, given how regular these girls’ nights had become. The thought she could even consider cheating on me made me angry. Really angry.”
That’s where I got it from.
“Then I found some notes pushed down the side of the sofa; little squares of paper, which said things like ‘looking forward to seeing you tonight, Joe x’ and ‘really enjoyed last night, can’t wait to do it again, Joe x’. And the name was spelled J-O-E.”
Fuck. Instantly, my childhood fell apart. Everything I thought I believed in had been shattered. No wonder I had ended up with someone who was similar to my mum, capable of cheating on someone she said she loved. I couldn’t help thinking the worst. After all the shit I’d been through, hearing this hit me hard.
“The night of the accident, I decided to follow her to the bingo hall. I parked up outside and waited for her to come out. When she did, she was with another woman. I confronted her about the notes. We argued. She shoved me and ran away. But it had been raining and she slipped, hit her head on the kerb.” Louis inhaled hard before taking a huge gulp of beer, his eyes glassy.
I hadn’t heard this level of detail before, he’d always simply repeated it was an accident.
“The other woman went over to her and crouched down stroking your mum’s hair, which was matted with blood, whispering, ‘it’s okay, Jo’s here, Jo will look after you.’ When she said her name…”
Wait, Mum was seeing another woman? My head began pounding. I couldn’t take it all in. Not only was Louis admitting to it being his fault, but it was because of a lesbian affair? I screwed up my eyes for a moment, trying to make sense of it.
“I asked her how she spelled her name and she told me it was J-O-E, like on the notes. She explained she was a new colleague of your mum’s and because they were on opposite shifts, they would leave notes for each other about when they were going out and what they were going to do.” He hung his head. “I got everything wrong. If it hadn’t been for my stupid jealousy, she’d be here today.”
A mixture of relief and latent anger washed over me. It really had been an accident and nothing more sinister. And Mum wasn’t having any sort of affair.
Maybe I was wrong about Saff.
But my dad was still to blame. If it weren’t for his possessive streak, she wouldn’t have run away from him, wouldn’t have hit her head, wouldn’t have bled out on the pavement.
“I’m so sorry, Tris.”
I let out a hard breath and gestured to the waitress that we needed more drinks. I felt I needed to get obliterated to deal with the revelations. “Why tell me now?” I asked. “Why not straight after it happened? Or at the funeral?”
He twirled his empty glass around in circles. “I didn’t know how to. I’m not good with words, Tris, you know that. Emotions and stuff aren’t my thing.”
Oh, I knew all right. He dealt with my mum’s death by getting with as many women as possible in the next few years, until finally settling down with Donna.
“Here you go. Two more beers.” The waitress’ gaze swept over our barely touched plates. “Is everything okay with the food?”
I had lost my appetite. “No, it’s fine. I lost my appetite. You can take my plate away. Dad?”
He nodded in agreement and passed his plate to her. A frown flitted across her face as she left us to it.
Louis stared directly into my eyes, a serious expression on his face. “Your girlfriend, Saff. Don’t make the same mistakes I did. Don’t believe the notes, the pictures, the posts, until you’ve heard the truth from her. You don’t want her to die on a pavement outside a bingo hall.”
If the comparison hadn’t been quite so maudlin, I might have raised a smile.
“If you love her, Tris, you need to fight for her. Don’t be a coward like I was.” He picked up his glass and clinked it with mine.
I did love her. Idolove her.
