Page 21 of Hiss and Tell
“Us three, of course,” Dorothy explains, like it should be obvious. “To chaperone.”
“Chaperone?” My voice cracks embarrassingly. “We’re adults!”
“Exactly.” Iris nods sagely. “That’s why you need supervision.”
One of my snakes actually whimpers. I didn’t even know they could do that.
The sound sends an unexpected chill through me, a reminder that my snakes aren’t just decorative appendages but living creatures with their own reactions to stress.
In this moment, as my neighbors plan my romantic life with military precision, I feel the primal creature beneath my careful human facade stirring restlessly. The urge to rear up to my full height, let my pupils shift to reptilian slits, and hiss with enough force to make them all step back wars with my ingrained politeness. Instead, I clench my hands into fists and feel my skin temperature spike several degrees as I struggle to maintain the gentle librarian facade.
“Ladies, please.” Gathering what remains of my dignity, I try to sound firm. “Aspen and I are taking things slow. Very slow.Glaciallyslow.”
“Which is why you need our help!” Mabel brandishes her phone triumphantly. “Look, I found the perfect recipe for coq au vin. Nothing more romantic than French cooking.”
“I can barely make basic comfort food.”
“That’s why we’ll help, dear.” Dorothy’s already opening my cabinets, tutting at their contents. “Though we’ll need to upgrade your cookware. And your spice collection. And possibly your entire kitchen.”
“I have spices!”
Iris picks up a dusty container. “Salt isn’t a spice, Sebastian. And this expired during the Obama administration.”
My protests die as they divide into tasks with military precision. Mabel starts a shopping list that seems to include half the grocery store. Dorothy measures my table for a proper tablecloth. And Iris…
“Why are you eyeing my clothes?” I take a cautious step back.
“Because that sweater has seen better days. Possibly better decades.” She peers into my closet with the same expression she used for my spice rack. “Don’t you own anything that isn’t gray or navy?”
“Gray and navy are dignified colors!”
“They’re librarian colors.” With pursed lips, she adds, “Fortunately, I keep up with the latest trends and know where we can get you perfect clothes that will fit those wide shoulders right here in town.”
“How long have you been planning for this?”
“A good neighbor is always prepared. I think burgundy will bring out the copper tones in your snakes.”
My traitorous snakes perk up with interest.
“A week from tonight,” Mabel announces, looking up from her phone. “We’ll do it next Saturday evening. That gives us a week to prepare.”
“I haven’t even asked Aspen yet!”
Three pairs of eyes fix on me with varying degrees of exasperation.
“Then what are you waiting for?” Iris makes shooing motions. “Call her!”
“Text her,” Dorothy corrects. “Calling is too desperate.”
“Right.” Iris nods. “That went out in the nineties.”
“But don’t wait too long,” Mabel adds. “That seems uninterested.”
“And use a proper greeting,” Iris instructs. “None of that ‘hey’ business.”
My head spins as they spew rapid-fire dating advice. Even my snakes seem overwhelmed, coiling tighter against my scalp.
“Out!” The word bursts from me with unexpected force. “All of you, out! I need to… process.”
