Page 14 of Lost in Translation
As predicted, her birthday celebration took place at a local restaurant. Dom made a tipsy speech about trading her in for a younger model, greeted with a few muffled sniggers and a not-so-muffled ‘moron’ from Ruth. Charlotte’s mood didn’t improve when Dom presented her with his gift — a sparkly watch and earrings set which she knew came from a budget airline shopping catalogue. Charlotte was no snob, but somehow ‘it’s the thought that counts’ didn’t apply when he’d snapped it up alongside a bacon buttie and a mini bottle of Cabernet Sauvignon.
‘Thinking of havin’ another?’ Des’s gruff voice interrupted Charlotte’s wistful reverie. She looked at her barely touched mug of coffee and shook her head. He laughed, a wheezing sound suggesting a serious nicotine habit. ‘Not coffee, darlin’, I meant another sprog. A fine pair you’ve got already, but time’s a-ticking if you fancy a wee lass. Got four myself, two of each, and they’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me. Mind you, the missus says I need to tie a knot in it, or she’s puttin’ a lock on the bedroom door!’
Trying not to take offence at the implication that she was past her sell-by date, Charlotte gave a non-committal shrug. Leaving Hump It and Dump It to finish their tea and get on with packing the rest of the kitchen, she wandered outside. It was late March, and the temperature was pleasantly mild after a damp, cold winter. Small green shoots poked up through the earth, eager to blossom in the watery spring sunshine. Hanging baskets lined the boundary wall between their house and the neighbours’. Sadly, Charlotte wasn’t so much green-fingered as a mortal enemy to all things floral and fragrant. She’d plant, water and add the recommended growth stuff, all to no avail. Like her shrivelling ovaries, the garden bore no fruit.
‘What are you doing out here? Shouldn’t you be keeping an eye on the removal men?’ Dom appeared from the side pathway, Alastair and Robson trailing behind.
‘We brought you a McMuffin, Mummy.’ Alastair proffered a greasy bag. ‘But it might be a bit cold.’
‘Daddy let us have chocolate milkshakes too!’ Sherlock Holmes wouldn’t have struggled to work that one out, judging by the brown smears around their mouths and the dark stain on Alastair’s top.
‘Ihavebeen keeping an eye on them.’ Charlotte took the paper bag and scowled at Dom. ‘And, trust me, it hasn’t been pleasant.’ The sight of Des hunkered down, dismantling the TV stand, remained seared on her eyeballs. Not so much a bum crack, more a hairy crevice leading to unimaginable horrors. If his jeans had crept down another inch—
‘Well, I’m here now.’ Dom stood, hands on hips, cape flapping in the breeze. Not that he waswearinga cape, but his stance suggested the returning hero, fuelled by carbs, caffeine and confidence in his supreme parenting skills. Obviously, taking your kids to a fast-food joint totally trumped dealing with bottom-baring workmen questioning your childbearing abilities.
‘In that case, I’m off.’ Charlotte turned away, Alastair and Robson falling in behind her. Quite where she was offtoremained to be seen, but bloody Superman could take charge for a bit.
‘Darling, if you’ve struck up a rapport with the workmen, surely you should—’
Rapport?Yes, she and Hump It and Dump It were officially besties, destined to spend the rest of their lives trading tips on protecting fragile objects and not packing life essentials, thus avoiding nervous breakdowns.
‘I’m going out.’ Charlotte squirrelled in her pocket for her phone. Two missed calls from Ruth and one from her parents. They’d missed her fortieth celebration — ‘We’d love to be there, but you know how life is?’— but were full of promises to visit them in Switzerland. Charlotte thought it was more likely that Santa Claus would be interviewed on Channel 4 News, revealing his true identity and his battle with obesity issues.
‘Where?’ Dom pulled out his phone. There they stood, mobile devices at the ready, squaring up for a cellular battle. ‘Don’t leave. I don’t think…’ He frowned, pressed a button, then turned from Superman to deflated dad. ‘OK, I’ve some calls to make, but I can hold the fort. For a little while.’
Whoop-de-doo for you, thought Charlotte. She fired off a text to Ruth, knowing it was one of her rare days off, then stomped back into the kitchen, the boys still hot on her heels. Seconds later, a message appeared from Ruth.No probs, honey. See you when you get here xx
‘Aren’t you going to eat your McMuffin?’ Alastair pointed at the bag which Charlotte placed on the counter.
‘Maybe later, sweetie. I’m popping out to see Ruth, but I won’t be long.’
Des appeared at that moment, wielding a gigantic roll of tape and a Stanley knife. ‘If you don’t fancy it, pet, I’m a wee bit peckish myself.’ Charlotte gave him the thumbs up, expecting him to zap it in the microwave first. But no, he seized the congealing bun and devoured it in two bites. Wiping his mouth on his sleeve, he grinned at Alastair and burped. ‘Oops! Better out than in, eh.’ Alastair giggled.
Dom came through the door. ‘Seems like there’s still an awful lot to pack,’ he said. ‘You will get it all done today, won’t you?’
Des gave a mock salute and headed for the hallway, hollering at the top of his voice for Hugh to ‘get his arse in gear’.
‘Don’t leave me with that Neanderthal,’ hissed Dom. ‘The amount the company’s paying, you’d expect a better class of workmen.’
Charlotte doubted Hump It and Dump It would see much of the extortionate sum charged by Gulliver Removals. And despite their dubious eating habits and drooping jeans, they were a hardworking and decent pair.
Dom looked sternly at Charlotte. ‘Two hours, max. Please. I’ve work to do.’
Charlotte rolled her eyes. ‘I’ll do my best. Can you double-check that the boys have put aside everything they need for the next few days? And book somewhere nearby for us to eat tonight. The cupboards are bare and I don’t want to hang around in an empty house.’
They’d spend the night at the house — the beds were staying as they would rent it part-furnished — but tomorrow they moved into a hotel for one night. Then it was up and away to start a new life in a new country. Charlotte kissed the boys, waved at Dom, and wondered if Ruth might have something stronger than builder’s tea…
Chapter 14
‘It’ll be fine, hon.’Ruth poured a measure of Tia Maria into each of their coffees before topping them with a squirt of canned cream. ‘You’re a survivor, keep on surviving, and all that malarkey.’
‘But what if I don’t make any friends?’ wailed Charlotte. ‘What if the boys don’t make any friends? And what if Dom—’
‘Runs off with another woman? I thought that was behind you, Charlotte. Anyway, if Miss Sparkly Card — Emily, or whatever her name is — is here, he isn’t likely to be carrying on a long-distance affair.’
‘Her name’s Amelie,’ replied Charlotte. ‘And I’ve no idea where she’s based. Oh God, I’ve just had a horrible thought!’ She took a gulp of her drink, burning her tongue. ‘Ouch. That’s a French-sounding name, isn’t it? What if she’s Swiss, and she’s part of the new team?’
Ruth shook her head in exasperation. ‘That’s an awful lot of “what ifs”, sweetie. Look, I know you’re not happy about moving. OK, you’d rather visit the gynae and have all your wisdom teeth out on the same day, but don’t weigh yourself down with unnecessary worries. You’ll make friends, no problem, and the boys will too. As for Dom— Well, if he does the dirty on you, I’ll personally fly over and rip his testicles off.’
