Page 262 of Not My Type
I wash my hands with cold water, the chill biting at my skin, but it doesn’t do much to numb the ache in my chest. As I stare at myself in the mirror, tears start to fall again. Gavin and Sash walk over to me, their concern palpable. “Zara nuh tell Mama dem yet.”
“We a go think of a way fi tell dem, and yuh nuh in a this alone. You have we,” Sash adds. “And yuh kno’ yuh old foot granny love bring dung people.”
“Yea..” I say but I don’t hear it. Not you losing your voice.
“Too much crying,” Gavin breathes.
I still look a mess even after I’ve freshened up. My hair was done and I was still neat, yet I still looked like a mess. My health is deteriorating. I’m not eating properly, I’m losing sleep and my eyes are swollen. Just imagine. Mi need fi lock up somewhere and nuh ever come out back.Stop Zara! Yuh nuh look that bad.
“Yuh ready fi walk out?” Sash asks, and I nod. Gavin decides to drive my car since I’m in no mood to.
They stay over with me for the night, talking about everything they think might cheer me up. They try to look at the positives, telling me things like how I still have time to figure things out, how it isn’t too late to make a plan.
I stay quiet the whole time, letting the words fly through one ear and out the other. I can’t focus on anything they’re saying because all I can think about is the fact that I’m not out of college yet, I’m not working, I don’t have a house, but I’m single with a baby on the way.
70. SECRET
Nickoi
Rick sits beside me, eyes on the bill counter, then starts laughing. “We nuh chap small, enuh,” he says.
I nod, sipping my D’usse Cognac with a smirk. “Neva lie,” I chuckle, but my mind? It’s nowhere here. Hasn’t been.
Smoke curls from my lips as I lean back, watching the team celebrate. Since I’ve been back, business moving faster, heavier. Today was busy—met up with my Haitian plug, the same one who kept my father strapped. Solid man. Business always smooth. We moved weight, made big drop-offs, then spent the rest of the day a dial skull.
“Jah Jah,” Rick grins as he puts more money in the bill counter.
I exhale the smoke, completely lost in my thoughts. The gang play music, drink liquor and count money in bliss around me. When the thoughts start getting to me, I take a swig of my Hennessy. Cyaa bother with deh overthinking thing deh.You a try avoid the fact that you miss Zara.
“Good fi have yuh back here enuh mi killer, but mi know sup’m nuh right with yuh,” Gutta says, pulling off his gloves. He’d been stacking drugs earlier with Keno and the others, eyes sharp, like he could sense something was off.
“Everything Gov man,” I lie.
He doesn’t look convinced, but he lets it slide. “Alright mi Don.” He sits beside me, rolling a spliff of his own. I keep puffing mine, the smokemixing with the tension in the air.
Rick starts dancing, making everyone laugh. “Jah know, wi cyaa bruck again!” he shouts, the energy shifting as everyone cracks a smile.
He walks over to the TV, chuckling, then starts playing Jamal’s Ballon d’or. “A this the man a talk bout!” he grins. It’s good to see him happy again.
I open my phone and her story pops up. I skip it. She’s already on my mind; mi nuh wah see nutt’n else fi think bout. Mi have a lot of exes, and none a dem never took so long to get over. Now it’s been a week, and not a day pass without me thinking bout Zara. Mi cyaa’ believe a me dis.
When I’m done smoking my fourth spliff, I roll up another, lighting it without a second thought. The pain’s still there, gnawing at me like it won’t ever leave. I take another drag, letting the smoke fill my lungs as if it could erase the weight on my chest. It’s new to me, this feeling. I’m used to being in control, used to keeping my emotions locked tight, but this? This shit is different. I reach for the Hennessy, gulping it down like I need it to breathe, and pop a weed edible, chewing it slowly. The burn in my throat matches the ache in my heart. You a try hard fi avoid the fact seh you hurting eeeh.
“Hey Nickoi,” Juaqína chirps. Mi nuh wah hear har enuh.
She stands directly in front of me, leans over and bites my ear. I hiss and push her away gently. She has the decency to look a little embarrassed. She smiles after a while. “Mi know you and har lef mi nah ask Christ,” she says and I ignore her.
When I’m ready to leave, she’s still standing in front of me. “Watch it,” I say and she moves away. That harsh enuh Nick.
I dap everyone up and leave shortly after. On my way home, I stop by my aunt’s restaurant. I get out of my car, walk in, and realize it’s packed. Dat d’evu faze mi.
One of the workers spot me and smiles. “Hey Nick. Wah yuh want?” she asks.
Seet deh... man a G.
“Mi wah yuh deal wid brown stew fish and rice fi me,” I tell her and she blushes.
“Okay hun,” she runs her nails on my hand and I look at her. Oh so yuh want me? She nuh look 3 bad enuh Nick. Yah, but she a nuh Zara.
