Page 49 of Storm in a Teacup
I purse my lips in a fine line.
Quietly, she confides, “I had friends. I did, but after things with Atti ended…I was depressed. Like clinically. I’m taking meds now. I mean, I think I had depression for a while before that, but everything with Atti kind of put me over the edge. Before I got myself to the doctor for help, I shut everyone out. I did what you are trying to do, Ben, but the difference is, my friends gave up on me.”
My heart pinches in my chest. Before I can say something, she keeps speaking.
“I’m not saying it’s completely their fault. It’s hard not to give up on someone who’s given up on themselves, but I wish they hadn’t given up on me so quickly. My retreat into myself played a huge part in the fizzling of these relationships, but it also felt like…like they were glad to be rid of me. Glad to finally have an excuse.” She blinks rapidly, trying to suppress a sudden onslaught of tears. “Your friends are refusing to give up on you, and I am immensely jealous because from what I’ve seen, you’ve given them every reason to.”
“I…” I drag a hand down my face, chest aching. “You’re right. Shite. I’m sorry, Linny.”
She shakes her head. “I’msorry. I didn’t mean to make this about me.”
“You’re not. You’re knocking some sense into me, is what you’re doing. You’re good at that, you know. My friendsarethe best,” I agree. “They’re my family and I’m glad they haven’t given up on me.” As we pause for a street crossing, I toe the pavement. “I would never give up on you, Linny.”
“You can’t say that for sure.”
“I can,” I say with a finality. She looks away, so I change the subject. “David seemed upset when you came back from getting drinks earlier.”
She discloses, “He was. We were talking about you.”
“All bad things, I hope.”
The light changes, so we cross.
“Not exactly. He said you kissed. Last June.”
“Oh.” Nearly forgot aboutthat.
“It slipped out. He thought I knew.”
I sniff sharply. “I kissed him. He stopped it and called it a drunken mistake. I pretended to agree, then convinced myself that if I cooled it for a bit, I could try again. Less intoxicated.”
“Did you?”
“Naw, but that didn’t stop my brain from concocting all these scenarios where I would. I thought I’d kiss him again, and everything would beright.” I clench and unclench my fists.“But I also knew deep down that wasn’t true. It’s why it took me so long to tell him. Iknewhe didn’t feel the same way, but I had a fantasy that he did.”
“I’m sorry, Ben.”
“Me too.” Quietly, I confess, “You know, I moved here for him.”
“I thought you moved here for the café?”
“I did, but I also convinced myself that if I lived here, he would see me differently. That it was only distance keeping us apart. Not the fact that he wasn’t interested in me. Not the fact that he was already with Callum.” I chuckle to myself. “God, Callum. Callum is so nice. He’s a total laugh, in the best and most surprising way. Quiet, but David likes quiet. Or, he likes quiet people who can be loud for him. And I know he knows, but he’s not making me feel weird or bad—even though he shouldhateme.”
“I like loud and gentle, personally. Like you.”
I smile. “I like a little grumpy and devastatingly beautiful, like you.”
She bumps her shoulder into me. “Oh, he’s a sweet talker in his thirties.”
“Well, I suppose I’m one of those grown-ups now.”
We reach her door to find it propped open slightly. “I hate this damn thing,” she says, kicking it open the rest of the way.
I let out a small sigh. I don’t know what about her makes me want to be unabashedly truthful. She’s a good listener, yeah, but I also have this desperate need for her toknowme.
“Last August, I was in town and I went out with David and Callum. It was the first time I really saw them together. I mean, I had seen them together before, but it was less…I don’t know. Less serious. They’d been flitting around each other for years, never quite making it official. This time, I realized how much David liked him. I was deeply jealous and so goddamn frustrated with myself. For waiting so long to tell David. For not talking to him about the kiss. For living far away. For not figuring out my sexuality as soon as I would have liked. I thought I needed more time. I thought I needed less time. I was so obsessed with time. But in the end, it didn’t matter. Timing didn’t matter.Timedidn’t matter. He was never meant to love me back.”
Her mouth opens and closes like she doesn’t know what to say. Understandable—I keep dumping things on her. She ends up grabbing my hand and squeezing it tightly.
