Page 23 of Run For Me
I busy myself with eating, making it seem like the phone going off was lost on me, even though it’s the complete opposite. My fingers are twitching to see what the journal thief has to say today.
Chapter Sixteen
Sailor
It’s close to two in the morning and I’m lying in bed, staring at the ceiling. Sam has been sleeping for a few hours now, softly snoring beside me.
I left the house this morning with the idea of making this work with Sam, yet it’s turning out to be more difficult than I thought. It’s hard to fake how I feel—always has been. I wear my emotions on my sleeve—all of them. I’m a terrible liar, and I suck at pretending to like things I don’t like.
I take my phone, shift in bed so I’m facing Sam and he can’t see my phone screen, and then pull up the Surge app.
After dinner, Sam and I went out. I got a new laptop, and we stopped for ice cream. It was nice. Being out distracted me enough to not obsess over what’s going on with Sam. Being outside of the house, doing something so simple and less domestic made spending time with him easier. I felt like I could breathe. Then it rained, and we hurried home, watched a movie, and got into bed. Sam fell asleep almost instantly while I’ve beenlying here in the dark, mulling over every life decision I’ve ever made.
I’ve thought of reading the messages from the journal thief non-stop—because I haven’t had a chance to do that since my phone dinged at dinner—but I have been too afraid of getting caught. Also, I don’t want to feed into this dark side of me, and it seems that’s exactly what JT—journal thief—is making me do.
He’s someone willing to accept the real me.
Or he’s just messing with me.
Of course, there are people who have similar fantasies and kinks. But I’m sure they’re older and experienced. They live lives that allow them the freedom to do these things. That’s not me.
I’ve grabbed my phone so many times while in bed but keep putting it away. Sometimes because I’m fighting my urges and others because Sam would stir or his breathing would change. But I can’t stop myself any longer.
I pull up the app with the intention of telling JT to screw off. I can’t keep doing this. Accepting those parts of me is not worth the anxiety it’s giving me. JT can keep my journal because it doesn’t matter to me anymore. It’s gone. That’s that. I put more feeling into that journal than needs to be. I mean, it’s just a thing. My mother wouldn’t be upset if she found out I lost it, and now that I know it’s safely in one person’s hands, well, that’s easier to handle than the whole school seeing it.
I can get another journal to keep writing in, since it’s a way for me to unwind. It doesn’t have to be that specific journal, any one will work.
Maybe I have attachment issues, it isn’t really a secret, but can you blame me when everyone I’ve ever loved and cared for has died? I’ve gone so far as to think I’m cursed and the reason they’re dead.
I’d love nothing more than to have that journal back in my hands, but the journal is not my mother and I need to heal—something I’ve clearly never done. Losing the journal has been eye opening for me in so many ways.
You_Run_Ill_Chase: Do you have an answer for me, little dove?
You_Run_Ill_Chase: I hope you’ve chosen wisely.
You_Run_Ill_Chase: I want to get to know you better.
It’s the last line that throws me off. He wants to get to know me better? Why? So that’s exactly what I send him. Just a simple “why.”
I don’t expect him to answer me, considering the time, but when the dots dance, I find my heart picking up speed. I anticipate his response, excitement warming my body.
You_Run_Ill_Chase: Because you’re like me.
DarkRaven: What does that mean?
You_Run_Ill_Chase: It means you have secrets. Ones you’re ashamed of. You hide yourself from everyone around to fit in even though you have no want to fit in with THEM. All you want is to be seen by someone who understands.
My grip on the phone tightens. This complete stranger just called me out…
DarkRaven: How did you come to that conclusion?
You_Run_Ill_Chase: Birds of a feather… I sense it in you.
DarkRaven: You don’t even know me.
You_Run_Ill_Chase: I’ve read your entire journal. I know more about you than most, I’ll bet.
My stomach twists. The entire thing? All of it?
