Page 30 of Run For Me
I don’t know if it’s the extra sleep or the agreement with JT, but I find I’m in a good mood today. Good enough that I sent Sam a message before leaving for class, explaining everything to him as clearly and nicely as I could. He hasn’t answered yet, but that’s okay. I told him the truth, and it’s up to him what he does with that. I can’t control how he reacts; I can only control what I do. And that’s the thing—I need to start taking control of my life.
Something about that has me feeling lighter. I hadn’t realized how much I was holding onto until it became too much, and I’d turned into this ball of grumpy anxiety.
I don’t want to be that girl. I don’t necessarily want to be the girl who has these dark thoughts either, but I’ve never tried accepting that part of me before, so I have to at least try. I just need to be discreet about it, which is why the arrangement I now have with JT is good.
At least, I hope it’s good.
The worst thing that happens is I find out I hate myself, but if I don’t take the opportunity to explore this part of me, I’ll neverknow if it’s good or bad. Maybe this big scary thing that’s been looming over me for months doesn’t have to be so scary.
As I walk toward the building where my first class is, I pull out my phone and pull up Surge. The first thing I notice is that JT changed his username to reflect my nickname for him. It makes me smile in a way it shouldn’t.
I consider doing the same, then wonder why the hell I want to flirt with him, then decide flirting with him is fine because if it’s what I want to do then I should do it. Ultimately, I leave my username as is, because his nickname for me is mocking mine, and I stick by the fact I’m more of a raven than a dove. On the inside anyway. I just need to live up to it and prove it. Maybe then, instead of me changing my username, he’ll change his nickname for me.
DarkRaven: I’m ready for your first question when you are.
After sending the message, I put my phone in my pocket and head to class, but not before checking the lost and found bins… just in case.
When I get to class, the doors are locked. Guess I’m too early. I move to the nearest hall and take a seat on the floor toward the back and out of the way. I scroll through emails, deleting all the spam, but then hop to Surge when I get a notification.
JournalThief: Good morning to you too, little dove
I type out a message in response but stop when an image comes through. My jaw drops at what I see, and I bring my phone to my chest to hide it. Glancing around, I make sure no one could have seen that. Thankfully, the hallway is empty.
“Holy shit…” I say under my breath, biting back a smile as I peel the phone away and take in the photo. He took thishimself, and I can only assume, maybe hope, it was just now. The image is from above, like he’s holding the camera near his face. It showcases his abs, the black bed sheets low across his hips showing a bit of dark hair below his belly button, and I don’t miss the outline of his hard… you know. His abs are defined, tan, and smooth. They’re perfect.
This must be fake.
There is no way someone this attractive is into me.
Well, I suppose it’s very possible, considering he doesn’t know what I look like. If he ever did, he’d change his mind in a second. I’m not one of those girls. The perfect ones with big boobs, tight asses, tan skin, shiny hair, and fake lashes the hot guys go for. I’m not the kind of girl these guys go for.
I’m the complete opposite—the girl no one bats an eye at. I can’t say I’m so average that I blend in; the pink hair throws that right out the window, but there’s nothing about me that catches people’s eyes otherwise. I’m just me.
JournalThief: My first question is… Do you like what you see?
I raise a brow, not expecting that to be what he asks. I take a breath and respond.
DarkRaven: That isn’t a question about me.
JournalThief: Never said they had to be about you, just that you had to answer whatever I ask. Now answer the question.
Smartass.
DarkRaven: Yes.
JournalThief: Good.
I wait for him to ask for something in return. As someone who spends most of their time talking with people online, and has for years, I encounter creeps on a daily basis. I know how they operate. Guys are so willing to share their bodies, more so than most women. They’re also quite manipulative and send unsolicited pictures—like the one I’ve just received—and then expect one in return. They guilt you into it, making you feel like you have to do this for them. Like it’s unfair otherwise… They did something for you and they want payment, even though it was never agreed upon. And when you don’t, they make you feel like crap about yourself.
I never fell for it. Not really, anyway. I’ll shamefully admit I have sent photos back to a few guys who sent them to me, but they were never of me. I’ve never been confident enough for that. After some time though, those guys would get bored and move on and I realized it was all pointless and stupid, and I shouldn’t care what random guys on the internet want. They’ll find plenty of women who will send them anything they ask for, and that’s just not me.
The request never comes though. JT never asks. Never even makes a comment about getting something in return. And I have no idea what to make of that.
Chapter Twenty-One
Sailor
It’s Friday night and I’m lying in bed at seven o’clock with not a single thing to do. My mind wanders, going back and forth over what I’m feeling and trying to decide what my next move should be.
