Page 36 of Run For Me
DarkRaven: Hey
SameoldSam:How are you?
DarkRaven: I’m okay. How are you?
SameoldSam:Better.
SameoldSam:I’m sorry I’ve been gone so long.
DarkRaven: Don’t be.
SameoldSam:I just needed time to think. I’m really confused about this whole thing.
SameoldSam:Can I call you?
I let out a sigh as I read his message multiple times. Can he? Yes. Do I want him to? No. Should we get this conversation over with? Absolutely.
I’ve known it was coming. Sam wouldn’t disappear and never talk to me again. Not without setting things straight. He isn’t like that. What happened with us was barely a fight. It was more like a minor disagreement, and the longer he went without messaging me or calling, I realized more and more that I didn’t do anything wrong. He caught me off guard. He can’t expect me to change everything in my life just because he wanted to show up at random.
DarkRaven: That’s probably a good idea.
I stare at the phone, waiting for his name to appear.
“Hey,” I answer, once the phone rings.
“Hi,” he says in a tired voice. I can picture him perfectly now that we’ve seen each other face-to-face.
It’s quiet, an awkward silence between us, and then finally he speaks.
“What’s going on with us, Sails?”
He’s the only one who’s ever called me Sails. It sounded so strange at first, and I remember not liking it, but I grew to find it endearing. Because it was from him… my best friend, my boyfriend.
Now? The name has no effect on me. Definitely not the way little dove does.
“I don’t know, Sam. Things have changed.”
I need to be honest with him.
Be honest with him!
“I know that, but why? Is there someone else?”
“No.”
Yes.
JT isn’t the reason I don’t want to be with Sam anymore—I’d had those thoughts before I met him. But JT is responsible for me wanting to accept things about myself, things I’ve questioned for so long, and that has me questioning everything.
The anxiety hasn’t gone away. I’m not suddenly okay with everything going on in my head, but I want to be.
I want to be okay with who I am.
I want to be comfortable in my own skin. I don’t want to hide from the world, don’t want to pretend to be someone I’m not. I just want to be me.
I should have been truthful with Sam from the beginning, but part of me worried he would judge me. That he’d think those things were weird. Every time Sam talked about sex, it was sweet, kind, and caring… the complete opposite of what I’ve always thought of it. In turn, I started to think there was something wrong with me. That I was broken. And hey, maybe I am, but I’ve found someone who is broken too. Someone who is like me.
Birds of a feather…
