Page 37 of Run For Me
The anonymity of JT makes me comfortable sharing certain things about myself that I’ve refused to think about. Even if he knows who I am, something about me not knowing who he is makes it okay in my head. I can’t make sense of that, but it’s okay.
I also can’t make sense of why I find myself dressing up more and caring about my appearance, knowing at any time he could see me.
He’s a stranger. He’s no one.
He’s just a journal thief.
“Then what is it?” Sam asks, his voice pulling me from my thoughts.
I sigh, lifting my eyes to the ceiling, staring at absolutely nothing, trying to pull myself together. Trying to find the words…
“Everything, Sam. It’s just everything.”
“What does that mean?”
“I’m not the same girl I was six years ago. I thought I was. I’ve been hanging on to those parts of me and living in the past because it makes me feel close to my family. Something about starting school, about… losing my journal, has made me realize I haven’t been being true to myself.”
I want to be as honest as I can without telling him the whole truth. I sent him that message and explained a lot of this to him already, but I understand he wants more.
“I’ve changed too, though. Why does that mean we can’t be together?”
“I’m sorry, Sam,” I whisper, my eyes stinging with tears. I blink them away and take a deep breath, holding it in for five seconds and then letting it out slowly and quietly. It’s not that I don’t care about him. I do. I don’t want to lose him; I just can’t be with him like this anymore.
“Is this forever, Sailor?”
Yes.
“Maybe not. I don’t know.”
“I’m not giving up on us, Sails. I can’t. We’ve shared too many late nights. I know you better than anyone.” No, you don’t, Sam. “Just the same way you know me. The life we’ve planned together is perfect.” Maybe for you, Sam. “I can’t quit so easily. I needed some time to think, and I did that, but I still want you.” I don’t want you, Sam. “I love you, Sailor. You’re my forever.” You’re not my forever, Sam.
“I’m sorry.” It’s all I can say.
“Just keep in touch, okay? We were friends before; we can be friends now.”
“Of course.”
It’s silent again, for so long this time I have to make sure the call didn’t drop. It didn’t. After two minutes pass, I decide to say something.
“Sam, I have to get to bed. I have class in the morning.”
“Yeah, okay. Good night, Sails. I love you, okay? Please don’t forget that.”
“I won’t. Night, Sam.”
I pull the phone from my ear and end the call.
My god, the emotions rolling through me right now…
Even though I’m wiping away tears, my emotions getting the best of me, I feel lighter. My head is clear, and I can breathe again.
I can breathe.
A smile forms on my lips, and I start to laugh. It’s slow at first, just a bubble, but then I’m laughing so hard I can’t see. The tears that pour from my eyes now are happy ones.
I can breathe!
The craziest thing of all? The one person I want to talk to is JT. I’m giddy with excitement. It’s amazing what getting something off your chest will do. Just a simple conversation with Sam to let him know where we stand, and I feel like I’ve shed thirty pounds of baggage.
