Page 53 of Run For Me
How can I want those things without having had them? I guess the same way anyone wants anything else they’ve never had, right?
I sigh heavily, closing my eyes.
I’m nervous about tonight, but I definitely want to do it. I want this to happen.
I pick up my phone to text JT. I can’t worry about him thinking I’m clingy. This is a big deal.
Me:Should we have a safe word or something?
JT:Are you planning on telling me to stop?
Me:No, but what if I want you to? I’ve never done any of this before.
JT:Good point. Pick a word.
I chew on the inside of my cheek as I think of what word to use. I don’t want to use something stupid like a fruit because that’s what most people use. It has to be something easy to say, something I’ll remember. Something I can’t accidentally say.
Me:Journal.
JT:How did I know that’s what you’d pick?
I smile to myself. He knew?
Me:Thank you for doing this.
JT:Thank you for trusting me with doing it.
Me:Have you ever done something like this before?
The jealousy that tightens my chest is unexpected and uncalled for. Why should I be jealous over this guy? I don’t even know who he is. Other than him telling me to meet him in thepark at ten, we’ve not talked much about it. The anxious part of me wants to get into details, plan the whole thing. But that ruins it. Knowing what’s going to happen will ruin the experience. I have to trust him to just do this.
JT:Which part?
Me:Any of it.
I wait for him to respond, holding my breath. I glance at the clock. It’s only three. Maybe I should take a nap.
JT:I’ve never had sex with a virgin. Never chased anyone down in the woods. I have had random hook ups and rough sex.
I think long and hard about how I feel about that, and the only thing I keep going back to is the fact he’s never had sex with a virgin.
Me:How old were you when you lost your virginity?
JT:14
Me:How old was she?
JT:29
My eyes bulge out of my head. He lost his virginity at fourteen years old with someone who was almost old enough to be his mother? What does his mother think about this? Then I remember what he said about them and how they were there, but not. Maybe that’s why he did it. Maybe he looked at this woman as if she was a mother figure.
Me:That makes me sad for you.
JT:Why? It was hot.
Me:Because you were taken advantage of.
JT:Says the girl who is going to allow me to do whatever I want to her.
