Page 58 of Run For Me
Who knew loneliness could be so, well, lonely?
I tell myself I’m fine. That I can manage alone. But sometimes? Like now. I just want someone there for me. Someone in my corner. Someone I can go to when I’m sad. My parents were that for me. When Dad died, it was Mom. When she died, it was Grandma and Grandpa. Now? It’s just me.
Maybe I should get a pet.
Or maybe I should learn how to be a strong, independent woman. That’s what all these girls preach these days, isn’t it? Not needing a man to be happy. Doing things themselves.
It’s not that I want a man in my life. I don’t need a boyfriend or a husband. I just need someone. And maybe I’m looking for it in the wrong place. I mean, is JT really the person I should rely on?
He gets me like other people don’t. He’s there all the time. Except now, that is. At the end of the day, I don’t know the guy. Don’t know who he is or what he’s done. He’s just a stranger hiding behind a phone. Which is something I can’t even get mad about because it’s what we both want.
So yeah. I think I’m looking at this the wrong way. Any sort of emotional tie shouldn’t be had with JT. That’s not what I’m using him for. He is for exploring. For coming to terms with the parts of me that I’ve hated and ignored for so long, out of fear. The people I should rely on are Sam and maybe Amelia too. I need to set boundaries and make sure I stick to them.
I turn the volume up on the stereo when Bad Omens starts and get lost in the song for a few minutes. Shortly after that, I’m turning into my driveway. I stare at my front door and see how dark it is.
Forgot to turn the light on again.
Maybe I should get one that’s on a timer. That would be a good idea. If only I knew how to install one of those things…
Strong independent woman, remember?
I’m smart. I can figure out a light.
I make my way out of the car, using my phone as a flashlight, and get inside. I plop onto the couch and look up timer lights, only to be even more disappointed when I realize the lights aren’t just a special light, but an electrical thing. Most of what I find are little contraptions that plug into an outlet. I guess that makes sense…
But it won’t help me. I don’t have a lamp outside that plugs into an outlet. It’s a light that’s wired into the rest of the electric. This is definitely something I won’t be able to figure out. Not on my own. So, I guess I’ll need to call someone. Like an actual electrician.
I sigh, resting my head back and a wave of cramps hits me, causing me to groan.
“Shower and bed,” I mutter as I get up.
On my way to the bathroom, I pass my grandparents’ old room. I stop in front of the door and press my hand to it. I can’t remember the last time I went in there. Right after they died when I shoved their things inside. It’s been untouched other than that. I should clean it out. Turn it into an office, maybe. That would be helpful now that I’m in school.
Letting my hand fall to my side, I continue to the bathroom. I take my time in the shower and when I’m done, I get into bed. Staring at the ceiling, my thoughts are filled with JT. Should I text him? Leave him alone? Do I have to be careful what I say to him, now that I know I need to keep all emotions out of this?
It won’t be easy. I know that much. How do you stop yourself from feeling emotionally connected to someone who gives you something no one else ever has? Is that possible?
Guess time will tell.
Deciding not to text him because he was pretty short with me earlier and said he would text me, I roll over and go to sleep.
Chapter Thirty-Six
Him
Usually when I’m pissed off, I need something to keep my mind occupied. Something that requires energy. Like being around people. Going to the gym. Fucking. Drinking until I pass out. You know, that sort of thing.
But tonight is different.
Tonight, after I left my mother’s, all I could think about was her.
I’m pissed I had to cancel. Worried she won’t give me another shot. I’m disappointed. And angry that I even give a fuck. More fucking angry that I’m in this position with my mother at all. There has to be a way out that won’t end in my death. If my father figured it out, I should be able to figure it out. But he won’t help me. He’s too scared. So basically, I’m fucked.
I have to bend at her will. Listen to what she says. Take it up the fucking ass. Until I figure out a way to stop her from ruining my goddamn life. Clearly I need to kill her. Hand her empire down to the next in line—whoever the fuck that is. Or maybe I’ll take it over myself.
I have paid little attention while driving, not until nothing on the road looks familiar.
Until it does.
