Page 29 of This or That
“On the cruise ship.” My thumb and index finger roll the fabric of the tablecloth; it’s a good thing that he can’t see this from where he sits.
“Ohhh… Now, I’m even more intrigued.” One of his eyebrows spikes up.
I snicker at his scrutiny, wishing that the next band would move faster while prepping their instruments and the stage for their performance.
“To be honest, I had a feeling that you found a hook-up on the ship. You always seemed to be… otherwise occupied, but you didn’t say anything, so I had no clue it kept going after we landed. Especially with Stella and—” He abruptly stops and gulps the remainder of his beverage. “Sorry, I’m babbling. What I meant to say is: It’s been a while since you’ve met someone that mattered to you. I’m happy for you, man.” He pats my forearm a couple of times. “Too bad I didn’t get a chance to meet yourimportant someone.” Air quotes are back, which makes me chuckle. His agitation betrays his excitement at the news, which I find endearing.
“Well, actually, you guys met.”
He rubs his chin between his thumb and index finger while mine have stopped wrinkling the tablecloth. “Is this the girl who looked like Margot Robbie?” He missed my subtle hint, thinking of the first woman he saw me with on the cruise.
Swallowing the lump in my throat, I take notice of my throbbing pulse and take a deep breath, making a point to look him in the eye while shaking my head.
“It’s not a girl… or a woman, for that matter.” I let out a heavy sigh. Now, I’ve said it without leaving any room for ambiguity!
My friend doesn’t even blink or comment on my flushed face. “What’s his name?”
“His name’s Troy,” I say, seeing the wheels turn in Matteo’s head. Mentioning Troy’s name sends the right kind of shivers down my spine as naughty thoughts from earlier today invade my mind.
“Do I have to beg for you to clue me in?”
Despite my stiff neck, I tilt my head backwards laughing.
“Can I at least get a hint?”
Now, this is too easy. “Cowboy hat.”
Matteo’s eyes bug like a cartoon character. He leans closer. “Ha-ha! Monster Hunter, right?” I can tell that he doesn’t believe me. He shrugs. “Fine, have it your way, keep your secret.” He leans back in his chair.
“Troy Hunterwasmy secret, Matteo, but now, you know.”Damn, it feels good to have everything out in the open!“It started out…” I run my fingers through my hair while deciding how to phrase this. “We started talking after a misunderstanding. It didn’t take long for me to be genuinely attracted to him. We…” I cough. “Made out. Trust me, I had a hard time—in more ways than one—wrapping my head around the idea of being physical with a dude. Although nobody knew, a part of me still rebelled against it. After some back and forth, we knew it was more than that.” It’s my turn to shrug.
A completely unfazed Matteo simply states, while reaching to circle my wrist, “It’s about time you found someone you love.” Then, he adds, “I wish you’d told me earlier, though. And by earlier, I don’t mean during dinner. From the look on your face tonight, I could tell that something was up. Granted, I wouldn’t have guessed. But, come on, Mike! It’s me, Matteo!” His index finger points inward at his chest.
“I know, I should have said something sooner.” I look away, then back at him. “I guess I needed to figure out what was going on before I could speak the words, you know?” I’m back to wrinkling the tablecloth when I admit, “If I’m completely honest, I was anxious about your reaction… because your acceptance means more than you can imagine.”
He releases his hold. “I’m not sure I follow your train of thought. You don’t need my blessing, Mike.Youneed to fully accept what’s going on with your life right now. I’m actually a little hurt. As if I’d judge you! Again, it’s not about me, man. It’s about you. After all we’ve been through, you’re still hesitant to speak your mind. I don’t know if your jackass of a dad is to blame, but you’re twenty-seven and it’s time to grow up. What people do behind closed doors is nobody else’s business, right? Unless I bring it up myself, you don’t need to know if I’m into vanilla sex or not.” Then the fucker raises his eyebrow as if daring me to ask! “Just like I don’t give a shit if you top or bottom.”
I swat his arm for good measure, and we laugh together, as we often do.
Yeah, Matteo’s always to the point; I don’t disclose where Troy and I stand in that department... Nobody else’s business! But hiding it proves that I wasn’t comfortable. I don’t want to broadcast it, but faking it is even worse. No matter how right Troy and I feel. No matter how stupid I had been to conceal it. No matter how wary I was of my friends’ reactions. I have to accept who I am. Even if it doesn’t last, this relationship is a part of me, and if I pretend that it doesn’t matter, I risk losing it. I can’t let that happen. I can’t deny how much I care about Troy. I can’t lie to myself. Otherwise, my asshole of a dad, like Matteo called him, would have won. I would be denying myself in order to please others.
You should have seen my father’s angular face blanche when I told him that I’d applied to become a fashion designer instead of working at his law firm! All my narrow-minded father could focus on was that all men in fashion were supposedly “gays and drug addicts.” The irony isn’t lost on me, considering my current relationship. Spending time with Troy taught me to slowly but surely embrace who I truly am the way that he does. How could I, of all people, forget that life’s too short to let others dictate your life?
“Aren’t you a bit jealous that I’m ‘having an affair’ with your favorite celeb?” It’s my turn to air quote and be playful, which is refreshing. Finding the appropriate words to describe our situation remains a struggle.
“Sure am!” The asshole mocks me nonetheless when I eventually confess the revenge kisses, the undeniable chemistry, and the uncanny serendipity.
Thank God, Matteo wasn’t there to witness my first encounter with the cowboy bartender; I’m mortified enough that acquaintances who called themselves friends saw that! Thinking about it, I grin like the moron that I am; I’m okay disclosing tidbits, but I’m definitely not ready to share how that unforgettable kiss happened.
“Story of your life, Mike! Life brought you lemons, and you ended up where you were meant to be, making unlikely friends... or lovers.” Again, I keep my big mouth shut; Troy and I aren’t quite lovers, but why fight the inevitable? “Actually, it all makes sense now! I held myself back from saying something when I felt the heat between you guys, but you said he was a friend, so...”Why do my shoulders tense?“Chill out, man. I know you by heart; I notice things. You weren’t ready to explain an attraction that you didn’t understand yourself. I get that. It’s not my place to say this, but I don’t care. You said you envy my stability as a married man. Well, trust my experience with Luana; you and Troy make more sense than you ever did with Ella.”Why does this make me happy?“High school sweethearts. Four-year relationship. Almost engaged.”Why does it take this conversation to make me realize that my own story resembles that of my parents?“When I met Ella, my first thought was that you were in love with the idea of love.”Why does he use the same words my mom did to describe the reason behind marrying my father so young?“I didn’t get those vibes at my birthday party… See, Love Boat effect!”
Love Boat, my ass…I’ve told Troy countless times that he’s fucking sexy and I love what we have. But I’m notin lovewith Troy. It’s too much. It’s too soon. It’s too… impossible!
The more I deny my sentiments, the more he counters. And that’s okay.
I’m lucky to have a witty and supportive friend like Matteo Moretti in my life.
The best.
